On Thursday night Clarissa was up for hours, and Ammon kept waking himself up coughing. My mom even had to go into Ammon at one point because I was stuck nursing Clarissa and Ammon was coughing and crying for help. It was a long night. I was sick and hadn’t slept in who knows how long, and basically by the end of the night I felt kind of suicidal.
I don’t want to overstate the case, but I think thoughts of suicide are actually pretty normal post partum. I don’t think I have depression; I can still function, bond with my baby, take care of myself and kids, and I’m capable of being happy the minute I get some rest. But the more and more people are being open about their mental health, the more I start to think suicidal thoughts are just part of certain parts of life.
So after not sleeping for days, being sick, and caring for sick kids around the clock (a phrase that sounds so innocuous but actually encapsulates a grueling, excruciating experience), all of my free mental space went to how my family would be better off without me. I never once got close to doing anything about these thoughts, but they took up every free second of my time.
I almost didn’t blog about that part of the week, but I think it’s important to be honest about my post-partum state. I’ve read posts from friends who have had the exact same thoughts, and it helps so much to know you’re not alone. I want my kids and grandkids, should they read this, to know they’re not alone if they have similar experiences.
When I wasn’t busy brooding about how the world would be better without me, I took the kids to Mary’s Halloween Haunt. Had I been feeling better, I would have really enjoyed this experience. Her school was absolutely decorated to the hilt, and there were cute, fun activities everywhere. I pulled Lydia out of school so she could enjoy it with Mary. I have pictures which I will have to add later because my phone is backing up right now.
After the Halloween Haunt, we came home for naps, and then I took Lydia to her group harp lesson. After that, I made chili and paid the Freestone girls to take Mary and Lydia to the ward Halloween party. My mom and I were too sick and exhausted to go.
Around 7:30pm Abe came home!!!! When he came home, I felt like I had exited the valley of the shadow of death and stepped into the sun. He is the sunshine in my life. It was so, so good to see him again. There really aren’t words to express how happy I was that he was home. Trust me, I was happy.