Month: February 2011

Okay, did any of you moms out there experience an overwhelming urge to document EVERYTHING about your life leading up to birth? I feel like I am becoming a compulsive blogger, and I don’t know if that’s the insomnia, a chemical knock-off of the nesting instinct, or both. Usually I get up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. Tonight I can’t even fall asleep! And since I can’t sleep, all I want to do is play online scrabble and blog.

In addition to this strange desire to document the boring details my life, I have also experienced the actual nesting instinct. It kicked in full force this afternoon.  We were on our way home from church having a nice discussion when all of the sudden I checked out of the conversation. All I could think about was how I needed to organize the house. After the deluge of presents from the baby shower #2, my friends’ visit, and another baby shower coming up this Saturday, I had no idea where to put all of Lydia’s new stuff! And even though it seems that we have the basics set up, the lack of a definitive set-up for clothes and miscellaneous gifts was driving me completely bananas.

And then there was also the post-fun clean-up to take care of. I had such a blast with my friends, but I didn’t exactly focus on housework while they were here. The thought of tackling the laundry, dishes, and various messes I’ve been ignoring made me want to cry. Luckily, Abe and Clark came to the rescue. Abe came up with an action plan and then Clark came home and pitched in. He and Abe helped me clean and organize until everything looked beautiful–and then Clark went on to make dinner! What a super star.

Clark made an omelet “cake” that I saw on a Rachel Ray episode a couple days ago. I haven’t ever tried any of her recipes, but this was really quite delicious. It’s just three veggie filled omelets layered with a ricotta-milk-thyme filling and topped with arugula and Parmesan. The omelet and ricotta stacks are yummy, and the arugula keeps the whole thing fresh. The picture didn’t do it justice, but here it is anyway:

And then, as if my night hadn’t been blessed enough, who should knock on my door but my wonderful neighbor from across the hall, bearing a container full of homemade chocolate chip cookies! My mom’s building is brimming with the best neighbors in the world. I love them. And our neighbors across the hall are incredible bakers to boot. I knew I’d like them before I even met them; I remember coming home from Christmas break to a plate of cookies they’d given my mom. I took one bite and knew right away I’d like the people who made those delicious cookies. They both have doctorates form Harvard in science, so you can only imagine the precision they bring to the world of baking. Super talented scientists + good recipes = over-the-top deliciousness. I’m pretty sure they used this recipe (it’s one they’ve used before), and it’s a total winner. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/09/dining/091crex.html

Clark was kind enough to photograph the surviving cookies just now. I was too lazy to get out of my chair, but I did so want a picture for the blog.

One last food note. Yesterday Jean, Sherelle, Sherelle’s sister, brother-in-law, and I all went to lunch at the Oak Tree Restaurant on Michigan Avenue (http://www.shop900.com/shop/oak-tree-restaurant), which serves both breakfast and lunch. I could not believe I did not know this restaurant existed before. The food was fabulous and affordable, and the ambiance was great. So fellow Chicago people, if you haven’t already checked this place out, you must! I feel sad that I’ve been missing out for all these years. It’s on the top floor of the Bloomingdale’s mall on Michigan Avenue. My only regret from yesterday is that I forgot take a photo…but check out the website, and the next time you’re downtown shopping, order one of the delectable sandwiches at the Oak Tree Restaurant. You won’t regret it! Many thanks (and, of course, big hugs) to Sherelle for introducing me to this new pleasure.

It’s 4:30am, and even though I would rather be sleeping, I am happy. Why? Because currently my house contains these (sleeping) people!

Abe, Jean, Clark, and Sherelle. I am so lucky!

My friends, Jean and Sherelle, are on their February break and are visiting from Boston. I can not tell you how excited I am to see them! They are some of my favorite people, and I have not seen them since grad school. We have had so much fun already, and we still have a whole day of fun to go.

Yesterday we all spent some time downtown at the Art Institute of Chicago. They have free hours, and so we joined the crowds and wandered happily around. Then we took the El back; Jean and Sherelle got off downtown to do some shopping, and I took it all the way back home to make it to a baby care class at the hospital. It was my first time riding public transportation while pregnant, and I thought it would be hysterical if I went into labor en route. Sadly, that is one story I won’t be able to tell…

Today Jean and I took a long and super vigorous walk all around Evanston while we waited for Sherelle to join us (she spent the first night at her sister’s). Jean is used to Boston crowds, and she sets a quick pace. I was huffing, puffing, and starving by the end. Since Jean is a hypercritical connoisseur of southern cuisine, we put our local southern restaurant, the Dixie Kitchen http://www.dixiekitchenevanston.com/evanston.html, to the test to see if it passed Jean’s standards. She told me that there are places in her home state of Arkansas that don’t even pass muster, but guess what? Dixie Kitchen passed with flying colors! She loved it.

Jean looking very happy with her hurricane and beignets.

We are both clearly happy to be eating. Jean was one of my best eating buddies in grad school, and this brought back many happy memories.

This was on the wall next to our table. It made me laugh so hard.

Then we met up with Sherelle. Jean and Sherelle were sneaky and left me behind in the lobby chatting with a neighbor while they went up to the condo and set up a surprise for Lydia. I was so touched! They have such great taste, and I’m so excited for Lydia to wear and play with all of the pretty things they brought for her.

Afterward, Clark joined us for a rousing game of Scrabble. As usual, he won. (I play him constantly on Facebook and have lost 11 times a row that way. This game made it 12.) We had tons of fun anyway, and we even learned some new words. Did you know that “yom” is singular for “yomim,” and that it means “day”? This vital information enabled several highly successful plays.

And then we ventured out to Whole Foods and picked up ingredients to make dinner. Originally, I envisioned myself cooking for Jean and Sherelle. They came all this way, and I wanted some way of communicating how happy I am to have them here. But every night I have been beaten to the punch! The first night I came home from the baby class to discover Jean cooking up an AMAZING meal, and last night Jean and Sherelle made the most incredible salmon. All I did was zest a lemon. It was pathetic. But dinner was sooooooooo yummy. What can I say? My friends are the best!

I did make a coffee cake before they got here. I wanted something fun to have around for snacking when people got hungry. Boy, does this cake fit the bill! But Clark has forbidden me to make it ever again because, in his words, “it’s wrong on every level.” (Translation: there is nothing nutritionally redemptive about this recipe; this cake will, quite simply, make you fat and leave you grovelling for more. But it is DELICIOUS.) Here’s a picture and the recipe (courtesy of Martha Stewart!) if you feel so inclined to indulge in carbohydrate craziness. http://www.marthastewart.com/recipe/new-york-style-crumb-cake

More to come! Today we are going downtown again for lunch. I am already looking forward to it. Now if I could only fall back asleep so that I don’t sleep through today’s fun…

As part of his job requirement, Abe is a certified CPR instructor. So we decided to use our Family Home Evening (it’s a Mormon thing: http://lds.org/family/home-evening?lang=eng) to learn infant CPR together. After praying that we’d never actually need the skills we were about to learn, Abe set up the DVD and I settled back into a comfy position on the couch. I don’t know what I expected–maybe I thought we’d absorb the information osmosis style while cuddling on the couch–but I was wrong.

The first thing Abe did after setting up the DVD was dig out one of my dolls from the closet. He then set up a little practice station for us to hone our resuscitation skills on. I was already comfortable and therefore declined his initial invitations to join him in practice. Instead, I took these pictures:

After a while, Abe’s diligent example guilted me into joining him. I took a casual approach to the exercise and jumped right into the act of resuscitating my unfortunate doll.

“Ummm…” Abe interrupted apologetically, “I’m so sorry, but since I’m a stickler for sequence, you might want to try again. You forgot to check to make sure the scene was safe.” I looked at him in disbelief. Seriously?  But he was in full-on instructor mode, and that meant we were tackling this CPR session like a real class. Okey dokey.

One and a half hours later, I was pooped. We had role played, practiced, and honed our resuscitation skills to perfection. If Lydia or any other baby in the vicinity so much as coughs, we know what to do.

1. Check to make sure the scene is safe
2. Tap the baby’s foot while asking loudly, “Are you OK? Are you OK?” (Obviously, the baby can’t talk back, but if the infant is conscious, you should get some type of physical response.)
3. Order someone to call 911, or call yourself if the phone is close. If the phone is not close, do 5 sets of compressions and breaths, and then call.
4. Tilt the baby’s head back slightly, hold in place, and begin compressions. For a baby, you draw an invisible line with your fingers between the nipples and then place two fingers directly below the center of that line. Press down hard. You should aim for pressing down to half the depth of the chest. Release and repeat 30 times.
5. Cover the infants nose and mouth with your mouth and give two breaths. Draw your head away from the infant’s head in between breaths.
6.Repeat steps 4-5 until help arrives.

I hope we never have to use these skills, but I’m glad I learned them. And I’m glad to be married to someone who cares enough to force me off the couch and practice for the sake and safety of our daughter.

I hope she gets here soon! To pass the time until then, I made these:

Remember the rolls Elise made for the Hyde Park baby shower? She was kind enough to give me the recipe link. I have been searching for a good roll recipe for years, and nothing I have tried even comes close to these. If you need rolls in your life, you MUST try this recipe. It is amazing! http://www.ourbestbites.com/2008/03/rolls-and-orange-rolls.html (Also, the rolls in the picture are shiny because they were hot when I rubbed butter all over them. After they cool, they look appropriately matte.)

Okay, I know I JUST blogged, but I am so excited that I can’t sleep! Last night was such a wonderful treat. Abe whisked me off to have dinner with one of my dearest friends, Liz Nyden. (Yesterday we calculated we’ve been friends for 23 years–isn’t that crazy?? We are so old!!)  I was very excited to see her and eat her ever delicious food. When I entered her apartment, she told me she had a surprise for me.

I walked down her hall, and to my delight, I saw these beautiful women!

Miki, Anne, Carolyn, Cathy, Liz A., Jelica; Liz N., me, Jennifer

These friends date back to elementary, middle, and high school–and a couple of them I hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing in YEARS. It was sooooooooo wonderful to see them! I was overwhelmed and touched by this absolutely awesome surprise.

And I told you Liz was a great cook! –And a fabulous decorator. I have shamelessly copied her throughout the years–right down to ordering the same artwork she has hanging in her house and “gifting” it to Abe. I wish I had taken more pictures (story of my life), but at least I got a picture of this beautiful table of food and flowers:

And me looking happy and hungry:

Let me tell you, everything was SO delicious, beautiful, and fun. When I woke up this morning and started thinking about it, I couldn’t fall back asleep. It was so fun to spend the evening with these sweet and fun friends, and I am smiling just thinking about how much I loved seeing them! Also, I couldn’t fall asleep because Liz sent me home with one of her amaaaaaazing cupcakes, and it was calling me…So I got up and blogged. (I haven’t eaten the cupcake yet. I keep looking at it, but I want to preserve the pleasure for a more dignified time of day…in the meantime, Liz also gave me a lovely little bag of Trader Joes peanut butter cups that are enhancing the quality of my morning blog.)

A HUGE thank you to Liz for organizing such a beautiful highlight of this pregnancy. And giant hugs to all who came–I feel so loved and full of love!

This is our overachieving, type-A lily. She’s trying to make up for the state of sloth that characterizes all of the other lilies (and Lily) in the house.

Ashley KFebruary 19, 2011 at 4:17 PM

You definitely don’t look pregnant with twins to me! How come your post says 39 weeks, but your little floating baby widget says 37?Reply

LilyFebruary 19, 2011 at 9:50 PM

OOPS!! Talk about seriously wishful thinking. I’m 37 weeks, but in my head I’m absolutely sure I’m 39. Gotta change that!Reply

Susie K.February 22, 2011 at 3:30 PM

You look beautiful Lily! I am so excited for you and your new addition … it will change your life in so many wonderful ways. I can’t believe I am only 6 months away from my first one actually leaving the nest. It goes way too fast!!! Enjoy every moment!

Your other cousin Susie:)Reply

LilyFebruary 23, 2011 at 12:01 PM

Thanks, Susie! I know–time really flies. I remember when you and Mark came over to our house after you got engaged. I can’t believe how fast everything goes!!Reply

This is Abe again.  I felt a strange itch to blog again.  Lily and I just got back from a “caring for newborns” class.  It was very insightful for me.  I think most of it was review for Lily.  She has had a lot more time than me to read books about baby care.  But for me, a lot of this stuff was new!  I learned how to change a diaper, how to burp a baby, how to bathe a baby and even how to put a shirt on a baby.  Looks like I’m ready to be a dad!!!………..well, at least I have a few more logistics figured out.  The truth is, though, that I am still very intimidated by the task at hand.  There is so much that goes into being a parent, and I feel sometimes like I barely get by as it is.   Still, I know for sure that God will help us raise little Lydia in the way He wants us to.  I am so happy that Lily has had so much time to read and think about how best to raise our baby.  It really is a blessing that she can be so informed since I am so often tied up at work. I’ve also been distracted because I’ve spent a lot of time recently deciding about whether or not to follow-through on my plans to go to grad-school.  I’ve already taken the GRE and the decision to go into academia is a monumental shift from corporate America.  So between brooding about that, working excessive hours and just trying to stay on top of life in general, I’ve been swamped!!  By the way, I did decide that I am going to stick with corporate America.  The decision process was long and labored, but it feels good to have made a decision, and I feel good about what I decided.  I hope now I can turn my attention to something far more important which is pondering what kind of father I want to be.  Lily has so many wonderful thoughts and ideas for raising Lydia.  It’s about time I start crystallizing some of my parenting philosophies so that she and I can have a truly meaningful exchange about how to parent.  I am excited to parent with her!!  She is going to be such a good mom.  It’s already clear how much she loves Lydia and how much she wants for her.  I already know that Lily will make any sacrifice required to bless her daughter and I am so grateful that Lydia has the mother she does. 

I got to be honest though, responsibility aside, I am just beside myself with how much fun I think having a baby will be.  I intend to just have a blast .  It is going to lots of laughs, priceless photos, hilarious stories and just cuteness all around.  It will be just a complete blast.  I think the fun I anticipate will be a great counterbalance to the great responsibility I feel.  It will be challenging sure, but even more I’m going into it expecting lots and lots of joy. 

I don’t know what else to report.  Lily is getting close to the due date.  She is in a lot of pain….a lot of pain and I do what I can to help soothe her. Despite her discomfort, she still goes out of her way to do sweet things for me. She made me filet mignon on Valentines day and I felt so loved. The steak was ammmaazing. I even had leftovers two days later that were equally satisfying.  That happened to be a really hard day for me, but I just kept going through my day saying, “How can I complain? I had filet mignon for breakfast.”  It’s no joke, Lily is just the best wife ever.

I had something special all planned out for her over the weekend, and to make a long story short, my special surprise for her just fell through.  It stinks feeling like you want to show your love to the most meaningful person in your life, and then having those plans collapse.  We do, however, have a long weekend.  Lily was so understanding about the plans not turning out and it made me realize that simple and sweet time together is what she wants more than anything anyway.  Honestly, it’s my favorite thing too.  No frills. No fancy plans.  No expectations.  Just a quiet day or two to kick around with my favorite pal and to just be together for the first time in…….well, I’m not sure when the last free time was.

Lily gets embarrassed when I go on about how wonderful she is………..so I’ll just end by saying this marriage continues to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Sometimes I get glimpses on just how weak and flawed I really am and I just feel grateful to live with someone who truly reciprocates my love.  I still have a lot of holes, but she loves me so I count myself as blessed.

So after getting my morning Valentine’s Day panic over with, I napped for a couple hours. When I woke up, the sun was shining and the beautiful weather called me on a long walk. I ended up walking around Evanston for five hours and then came home and cooked for two more hours. I think that’s why I’m up and typing at 3am; I woke up at 1:45 in so much back pain that it was impossible to fall back asleep. I figured I could lie there drooling onto Abe’s sweatshirt for a couple more hours, or I could get up and blog.

My walk was lovely. First I went to the lake and saw three stunning cardinals; two were vibrant, red males and one was a distinctly fat female. I wondered if she was pregnant like me. Then I made my way to the library and checked out three very exciting books: The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton (for my Hyde Park book club, even though I know I won’t make the March meeting), Planet Home: conscious choices for CLEANING and GREENING the world you care about most, and Superbaby: 12 ways to give your child a head start in the first 3 years.  If you read last night’s musings, you will understand why Abe was terrified to see that last choice in the house.

After the library, I made my way across the street to Whole Foods. After failed attempts to go vegan and then vegetarian, Abe and I are now happy flexitarians. Basically, a flexitarian is an undisciplined foodie who knows that a plant based diet is best but still occasionally indulges in the guilty pleasure of eating happy animals who were well acquainted with the concept of grass. Okay, okay, I admit–sometimes on a meat night I buy those rotisserie chickens from Jewel–but their little gimpy wings never fail to induce prayers for forgiveness and firm resolutions to opt, once and for all, out of the system. After all those prayers, I still find myself drooling when I pass a KFC… Also, if someone were to analyze my diet, it would probably center around a wonderful little chemical compound called glucose. But sugar is plant based, right?

Anyway, the point is, I don’t prepare meat very often, and I can not remember the last time I ate–much less prepared–red meat. But when I perused potential Valentine’s Day dinners, a high number featured filet mignon, and I found myself becoming alarmingly attracted to the pictures of those juicy cuts of beef. So I resolved to overcome my fear of red meat, and when I walked into Whole Foods, I made a beeline to the meat counter before I could lose my resolve. My heart did a slight flip flop when I saw the price of filet mignon, but I already had a recipe, so I tried to sound confident when I asked the butcher to give me 16 oz of the stuff.

I spent the next couple hours trying to forget the imminent pre-dinner face off between me and the meat. This amazing recipe for asparagus soup was a wonderful distraction. It’s flavored with basil and garnished with goat cheese/basil balls. So yummy! And the green color was a delight to behold:

Isn’t that pretty?

Goat cheese and basil balls. They melt in the soup and turn into white and green streaks of salty, tangy goodness.

Yes, that is a bowl of popcorn on the table. We were too full to make a huge dent on it at dinner, but knowing that a full bowl of chocolate caramel popcorn existed in my house gave me a little extra impetus to get out of bed and blog.

Janelle BargarFebruary 16, 2011 at 7:24 AM

Lily – I have to say I love reading your blog and I do hope you continue when Lydia arrives. I am always looking for new ways to make vegetables into soup. I am going to try this recipe in the next few weeks!Reply

LilyFebruary 16, 2011 at 8:38 PM

Thanks, Janelle! I loved reading your fb note the other day–your hubby sounds adorable!Reply

Yesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed. So instead of trying, I gave in and quietly narrated my physical woes to the headboard in song. (Remember that scene in The Lion King when Zazu, the parrot, warbles, “Nobody knows the trouble I’m in, nobody knows my sorrow…”? That was the inspiration for my very own song of sorrow.)

Abe, who was studying scriptures on the other side of the room, promptly came over and applied some of the techniques we learned from The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD. In the video, Dr. Karp recommends that parents turn on a “calming reflex” in their fussy babies by swaddling them, swinging them, turning the on their side, shhh’ing them, and giving them a pacifier to suck on. When Abe’s loud ssshhing noises failed (Dr. Karp recommends sshhing “with vigor”), a mischievous grin appeared on his face.

He ripped off all the covers and proceeded to do this:

Yep, I got swaddled. And you know what? It totally worked! With all of  my movement constricted, I found myself staring placidly at the ceiling in a state of contented stupor. Abe was very pleased with himself.

On another note, happy Valentine’s day! I woke up this morning in a panic because I had planned absolutely nothing for this day. I knew Valentine’s day was coming, but I have mentally equated it to a midterm paper that I’m putting off. But this morning, there was no more getting around it. Valentine’s day was here, and something had to be done about it.

Like any good procrastinator, I switched into emergency mode as soon as I realized that the deadline had arrived. I went to the kitchen and got to work.

I cut some hearts into toast and fried an egg in each. As you can see, one heart looks like it needs an angioplasty.

I then made a bunch of heart sandwiches for Abe’s lunch. Some of them are peanut butter and cherry jam, and others are cucumber and trout pate.With breakfast and lunch now taken care of, I can go back to procrastinating for a couple hours until dinner approaches. Up until now, the heart shaped cookie cutters have saved my life. I wonder how far I can take this…heart shaped salmon, anyone?

5 comments:

1. JulieFebruary 14, 2011 at 8:09 AMLily you always make me laugh! Happy Valentines day.Reply
2. CandaceFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:16 PMYou are the cutestReply
3. LilyFebruary 15, 2011 at 2:23 AMWhy, thank you ladies! Happy Valentine’s day to you, too! xoxoReply
4. ElissaFebruary 15, 2011 at 12:27 PMHahaha. This is hilarious. The picture of you swaddled just made my day.Reply
5. LilyFebruary 15, 2011 at 2:26 PMAnytime, Elissa! =)Reply

Yesterday Abe found out how much our health insurance will go up once Lydia arrives. Already ambivalent about the whole concept of health care, this news pushed him slightly over the edge. This morning, as Abe absentmindedly ate his oatmeal, I was treated to a cost/benefit analysis of compulsory health care (with an emphasis on cost).

It’s not that he’s against health care, but he sincerely struggles when he thinks that he’s paying for the unhealthy habits of others.

“If everyone just ate right and exercised,” he said, absent-mindedly stirring around his oatmeal, “these premiums wouldn’t be so out of control.” I sipped my hot cocoa silently and thanked my lucky stars that Abe wasn’t around yesterday to witness my unhealthy habits (the Toblerone hidden in the cabinet, the leftover icing snitched from the fridge, the episode of Iron Chef America which replaced my yoga session….)

Not that Abe is easily located on the political spectrum. If I had to label him, I would say he’s a fiscally conservative environmentalist who flirts with libertarianism every time he calculates how much he pays in taxes. But even when he is repulsed by certain concepts (for example, having to pay for the consequences of other people’s unhealthy habits), he still tries to see things from another person’s point of view. That means breakfast pontifications are constantly qualified with attempts to articulate reasons why his speculations might be wrong, and the whole process of consuming a simple bowl of oatmeal ends up taking a looooooooong time.

I silently monitored the ratio of bites taken to sentences spoken, and things weren’t looking too great. Abe was just getting started, and already it was time for him to go. Thus far, I had mainly provided a listening ear, but when I saw the time and realized that if Abe didn’t hurry up he would be rushing on the road, I took matters into my own hands.

“Well, honey,” I said, smoothly, “it’s a good thing you’ve hedged your bets on the unhealthy habits of the American public. We’ll just hope that whatever we lose in unnecessary health insurance gets made up by the insulin stocks.”

I was referring to the stock Abe bought after hearing over the radio that in a matter of mere decades, one third of the American population will suffer from diabetes. “This is really tragic,” Abe muttered, as he came home and immediately began researching the top producers of diabetes products. “Can you imagine the magnitude of this health crisis?” he asked, while simultaneously processing an e-trade that invested our fate with the makers of insulin.

He still feels some guilt over betting on the bad habits of the public, and my comment produced the immediate desired result. More oatmeal, less critique of the system. Finally, as he stood up, he announced with a grin that we should start an insurance company for healthy people. “We’d monitor their groceries, test their urine for traces of caffeine and alcohol, make them keep exercise logs…and make a ton of money!” he said, cheered up by the thought.

“Mmmhhmm…” I replied, reflecting again on my hidden Toblerone, but rejoicing that he had finished his oatmeal and no longer had to worry about rushing on the roads to work.

Now that Abe is driving safely to work, I guess it’s time for me to make up my missed yoga session from yesterday. But if I end up procrastinating more and eating that Toblerone instead, at least my bets are hedged.

Tonight I’ve been feeling Lydia hiccup, move, and kick, and she is already so cute. I love her little hiccups, and it’s rather amazing to watch my stomach move. I feel overwhelmed with a desire to be a good mom. She totally lucked out in the dad department, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to grow up with a dad like Abe.

My own dad passed away six years ago, and in the time between his death and now, my feelings towards him have become increasingly less complex. I used to feel such a mixture of emotions when I thought about him, but now I mainly feel love and gratitude; I can see he loved me and did the very best he could, and that’s all that matters to me now.

But I can not fathom what it would be like to grow up with the type of dad I know Abe will be. I’m sure it would be wonderful. The other day Abe called home to see how I was doing, and I told him I was about to plunge into yet another child development book. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss any opportunities to help Lydia develop all of her neural pathways and maximize the firing potential of her little neurons. Abe grew silent on the other end of the line, and I asked him what he was thinking.

“She doesn’t have to be perfect,” he finally said. “I mean, we’ll still love her even if her neurons aren’t perfectly developed, right? I think it’s more important to make sure she’s happy than developing that final brain groove that would get her first place in some school math competition.”

I was taken aback. Up to that point, I’d already rehearsed in my head the conversation I’d have with Lydia when the time came for her to choose between Curtis and Juliard; I’d already envisioned her playing her first Suzuki recital at age 4 and her first public concerto at 8–or 10, if she seemed to be lagging. Scary, right? Tiger mom in training. But Abe is not quite on board. In fact, every time I slip in a tiger mom reference, he states that he is outright scared by Amy Chua.

And, to tell the truth, I am so glad he is. When I take a step back, I realize the most important thing is to make sure Lydia experiences gobs of unconditional love. I want Lydia to know God loves her and to understand how to access His love and guidance always. I also want her to inherit her dad’s integrity and virtue. These traits trump any skills she may pick up along the way. I know what matters most in my family’s value system, and outward achievements pale in relation to the development of character.

And…yet. Achievement and the development of beautiful character can (and often) go together. However, when I try to figure out what my role is in helping my daughter develop, I get confused. Should I push her to be her best, or should I just let her develop naturally (whatever that means) and allow her the freedom to choose academic or musical mediocrity? That’s not a rhetorical question to me–it stems, rather, from a place of genuine confusion.

I have always idolized my mother, whose life explains, in many ways, my ambivalent approach to these questions. My mom was a corporate lawyer with a ridiculous number of degrees from Stanford and the University of Chicago. These degrees are especially ironic because I can think of no one I know who is, or at least used to be, as explicitly anti-intellectual as my mother. Although she has softened in recent years, I remember her despising overt intellectualism and completely rejecting the value of her degrees. Although she once majored in English during her undergrad years at Stanford, I never once witnessed her read a non-religious book. (She tells me she has read some in recent years, but I have yet to see this.) She was infinitely more proud of my decision to serve a mission than she was of my decision to go to grad school at Harvard. In fact, I didn’t even bother to attend graduation because I knew she wouldn’t be there. (In fairness, if I had really cared, I’m sure she would have come.) Her driving passions are God and family, and I remember her telling me from a young age that nothing–nothing– this world could offer could compete with motherhood. If my dad had acquiesced, she would have quit her job in a heartbeat and stayed at home with us full-time. I knew that her priority was her children, and I was happy to occupy that spot of importance in her life.

I feel absolutely no ambivalence towards staying at home; it’s what I have always wanted, and already I feel like I am living out a dream.But what about my daughter? I hope someday she will want to be a mother too, and I hope that she will find the same satisfaction staying home with her children that I anticipate finding with mine. But I also want her to feel fulfilled as a person, to develop her talents to the point of no regret, to achieve whatever she needs to achieve in order to better know herself and her own potential. Maybe it’s partly because I am entering motherhood at an older age (at least in the Mormon world), but I feel very satisfied as a person; I don’t need any more degrees or professional advancement to feel self actualized, and that makes the whole decision to stay at home soooo much easier. I want Lydia to feel similarly satisfied with her life so that when the time comes for her to decide how to best express her talents, she will actually know what her talents are. At the end of the day, I don’t want to push, but I do want help give Lydia wings. When it comes to raising my child, I don’t like the idea of making tons of mistakes.

Abe says it’s a good thing we don’t have an inflexible formula about child-rearing, and that we will raise Lydia one day, one case, one prayer at a time. He also says it’s actually a good thing we have no idea what we’re doing because then we can lean more completely on God to lead us. I take comfort in these thoughts, and I hope that Lydia will feel our unconditional love–even when we make mistakes.