In the morning Lydia came in and asked me to help her memorize the twenty-third psalm. That overjoyed me. I introduced the girls to this psalm a couple weeks ago, and then I haven’t mentioned it since. That Lydia independently wanted to memorize it meant so much. She came into bed beside me and we memorized it together. It was beautiful. My dad used to have all of his first and second grade Sunday school students memorize this psalm. It felt cyclical.
In church Abe gave a beautiful talk on families. I am posting it here, but before I do, here are the day’s pictures:
Abe’s talk:
When I was about 14, I was on a scouts backpacking trip. After camping the night, one group of boys adamantly wanted to break camp and leave down the 8 mile trail before everyone else. My dad and I followed 30 minutes behind them and our scout leader and his brother followed 30 minutes behind us in the third and final group. All of us agreed that we would rendevouz at a lake at the halfway point and eat lunch together. When my dad and I arrived at the lake, the first group was not there. We waited over an hour for the third group to arrive behind us, and they never came. We waited another hour, being very confused. Finally, my dad said he would hike the four miles to the end of the trail to see if people had arrived at the end, but he would leave me at the lake in case anyone showed up there. He promised he would return.
So how did this situation happen? The first group of boys that left camp early quickly discovered a shortcut that would take them off the trail. Even though the shortcut would completely circumvent the lake everyone agreed to meet at, they wanted to take it. They did also want to be responsible, so, thinking quickly, they wrote a note advising those of us behind to follow their short-cut. They rolled it up, and stuck it into the top of a pole that was holding a trail sign. Now, they did realize it would be possible for someone to miss this note, so to make sure the plan was completely fool proof, they spread sunflower seeds all around the base of the trail pole. The logic was that surely anyone on the trail would notice such a large quantity of sunflower seeds then proceed to notice the note stuck into the top of the trail pole. After doing this, they headed down the short-cut. Well, you guessed it, my dad and I walked right past the sunflower seeds and the note without noticing any of it. But here is what is crazy. When my scout leader and his brother, the third group, were on the trail, my scout leader needed to tie his shoe at one point. At the exact spot he needed to tie his shoe, he squatted down to tie it and noticed tons of sunflower seeds. He realized the scouts had been there, scanned the area and found the note. He followed their instructions to take the short-cut. So yes, while my dad and I were at the lake, everyone else had arrived to the end of the trail.
So back to my dad. He promised to me he would return. By the time he got to the end of the trail, it was 7PM. It would be dark in one hour. Once he learned what had happened, he was very stern with the first group of boys for the situation they caused. I doubt they will ever forget their interaction with him that evening. Now his son, who was 14 years old, and trusting him to return, was alone on a mountain 4 miles away, and it was about to get dark. My dad immediately stated his intention to go back for me and asked who would accompany him. Everyone at the end of the trail, including the bishop and the young men’s leader advised my father not to go back that night. It would be dangerous to hike alone at night. It would get very cold. He could get lost. He could trip and fall in the dark and get injured. He could run out of water. He could run into wild animals. Everyone advised my father to get some rest and go up for me first thing in the morning with a ready group of people. My dad told the bishop plainly, “I am not leaving my son up on that mountain. I am going back for my son.” The bishop told him, “Tom, this is not wise, but if it were my son, I would do the same thing.” My dad went back up the trail and for the first mile, the Bishop and the Young Men’s leader accompanied him. The Bishop and the Young Men’s leader were unprepared for the temperature and the story I heard was they got very cold, and spent part or all of the night cuddling on a rock together trying to stay warm. My dad kept going. Because it was dark, he confused landmarks when he was using his map, and he did get lost. He hiked 10 miles before he realized where he was. And that realization came when the sun rose on the opposite side of the sky that he had expected it to. He had hiked through the entire night. He continued hiking through cold, fatigue and thirst. He was dehydrated. Around 8AM, he bumped into a fisherman who gave him water and who assured him I was close by. I had happened to talk to that fisherman the night before. Then 15 minutes later, my dad found me. We called out to each other, ran towards each other in what felt like slow motion and embraced tightly. By the time my dad and I arrived back to camp, search and rescue had already been called. He had hiked over 20 miles in the previous 24 hours. He could barely move that day or the next.
Building Eternal Bonds
My topic today is families can be together forever. When I think about this, I think of this question: “What can we do here on earth, in our daily lives, to form bonds with the people we love that are so strong, that nothing, not even death, can prevent those bonds from persisting and thriving?”
To me, the point of the story about my father is this: My father had an unbreakable bond with me. Nothing in the world would have stopped him from going back to rescue me, not even even risk of danger to himself. Our bond was stronger than death and hence, eternal. But that fact is only the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is the story about how a bond so unbreakable, and eternal in nature, was formed. It is the story of my entire childhood. It is a story of consistent and steady love and investment from my father.
It is the temple ordinances that ensure that our marriages and family relationships will formally exist in heaven. But it is obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ that helps heaven to exist in our marriages and families, now. Our bonds are truly eternal when things of an eternal nature like love, faith, hope and forgiveness are the substance of those bonds.
I love the quote from “The Family, A Proclaimation to the world.” It describes the eternal elements that should make up family bonds in the following quote:
“Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
Bringing the heavenly into our families is what ultimately brings our families into heaven.
Perhaps this is one application of the principle that the Lord’s course is one eternal round.
Mormon 9:14 tells us that when we are resurrected, “he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still.” We also learn from Alma 34:32, “32 For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.”
From these two scriptures I learn that now is the time to invest in my family and help build it into something happy. Familial bliss is not something that will be simply handed to me in the eternities. It is something for me to enjoy and build now. Now is the time to figure it out. To repent, improve, work things out, so that eternity becomes a natural extension of the happiness we’ve already built.
Also, we should not be so narrow as to think that eternal relationships only extend to biological family or people to whom we’ve had temple sealings. I believe an eternal bond is formed anytime and anywhere true love is manifest because love itself is eternal.
Also, sometimes we need to take a step back and realize that there are family relationships available to us that are even more sustaining, inspiring, vital and pertinent to happiness than even our earthly families. I speak of our familial relationships as a son or daughter to heavenly parents, and as siblings to the savior of the world. And these relationships are available to everyone.
God uses familial imagery in the scriptures often to describe his relationship and commitment to us. In Isaiah 49:15 God says,
14 But Zion said, The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me.
15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.”
God will never forsake us, forget us or abandon us. If Christ, or brother, was going to give up on us, or stop helping us, He would have done it a long time ago. He would have given up in the garden when things were the hardest. But no, He fulfilled HIs mission under the most infinitely agonizing circumstances imaginable, and in so doing, He sealed with His blood, His commitment to always stand by us, to always save us, to always love us, to help us succeed, to help us repent, to always be our older brother and our Savior. He is real. He is family. And we are loved.
When we maintain our testimony and firm faith of God’s familial love and power, no matter what other challenges are facing us or our families here on earth, we can have peace and happiness through the bonds of our heavenly family. As Jacob says, “if your minds are firm, you can feast on His love for ever.”
Cares of the world infringe on home life
I now want to discuss what I think is one major reason that, Many of us, including myself, might not enjoy the fullness of happiness in our families that we could.
That is that we focus on the temporal, and not on the eternal. Temporal focus is driven by a prideful desire to consume and compete. Eternal focus is driven by the desire to love and serve.
Jim Kramer, a famous tv show host of mad money, who helps people make good stock picks half understood this principle when he stated on his show, “fame is ephemeral, or fleeting, but money is forever.”
The cares of the world are mentioned frequently in the scriptures and they are always mentioned in the context of taking us away from the things that matter most. They take us away from the full enjoyment and the honest labor of building a righteous home.
Matthew 6:19-21 states:
“19 ¶ Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
After pondering this scripture, I’ve imagined that when I die, there will be a highlight reel. I will sit down, and look through every moment of my life. This imagery helps me, because when I consider it, it is very easy for me to realize that the highlights I will care most about will involve service, family, and meaningful relationships.
One such highlight that I know I will look back on with a smile is time that I built an obstacle course around the entire upstairs of our last home. Lydia was 3 and Mary was 18 months. Some of the obstacles in this course were a pink blanket we called a bubble gum swamp, clothing bins to be circumnavigated, an overturned laundry basket to jump over and padding to land on. Just for kicks, we dressed up Mary in her cow costume from Halloween. She was a very cute cow. I think the funniest part for me was at the end when Mary got tired and the obstacles became more frustrating than fun. Still she pressed on. Just a crying, sniffling cow, putting one black and white leg in front of the other as her sweet sister Lydia cheered her on and helped to move obstacles for her. It is so divine to experience moments like that, and exponentially more so so to share them with a wife who I’m deeply in love with.
I know that as I keep my priorities right, I can stockpile these heavenly treasures.
Even though I struggle personally to always seek heavenly treasures above earthly treasures, I am blessed to be surrounded be beautiful examples of this exact principle:
One example is my uncle Chris who owned a carpentry business. He has since passed it on to his son Nathan. Early in his career, when he was starting up with his business partners, he laid some ground rules, that under no circumstances would he allow himself to miss important family events such as family home evenings, dance recitals, soccer games, camping trips etc. He would put his heart into the business, but it would never be more important that his family.
On one evening Chris and his partners were working hard to fulfill an order for one of their largest clients that was due the next day. They would need to stay late to fulfill the order on time. At 6:00, Chris packed up and told his business partner that he was going to his son’s soccer game. His partner looked at him and said, “wait, you can’t be serious. We need to finish this order.” Chris said, “I am serious” and he walked out.
I don’t know all of the details surrounding this story. One could maybe even argue that this was not fully responsible or fair to his business partner. I know the partner argued that! But to me, this example stands as a shining counterpoint, to all the times I make the argument to myself that this task is certainly more important than the time and attention I could be giving to my family right now.
I also have been moved by words from the scriptures and modern prophets that remind me of the joy that is available to me in my family life if I have my priorities right, and my heart and my vision set on righteous things:
Matthew 6:22 states:
22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.”
Additionally, President Monson gave the following counsel which has been a beacon of guidance in my life:
“I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not…..—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us…Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”
Another way that the cares of the world detract from my family experience is my propensity to worry. This weekend is a perfect example. Just as I was wrapping up a difficult work week I received an email from one of the employees that reports to me, and in it he was complaining about a work situation in a way that I was not happy with. I called him right away and for almost an hour I had a very intense conversation that involved me showing my anger at his attitude, listening, sympathizing, problem solving, coaching and tension. I have been worrying all weekend about that call. Yesterday, I was at the BYU game with my dad and my mind was distracted from the game, still spinning about it. It’s not like I missed a good game, but I missed being more checked into spending time with my dad. Also, Clarissa, is at the most adorable charming stage right now. And this weekend, I’ve been too checked out and worried to fully enjoy it.
Was I too hard on him? Was I wrong? Was it just right? Was I clear? Will he be upset? Will he still like me? Was that call good coaching? Will the tension I created help him to make positive adjustments? Or was I just lashing out because he was making my life harder with his problem? Did I damage the relationship? The worries spin and spin and spin. I missed so much this weekend because although I was with my family, my brain was not.
Personally, this is where I want my next big steps of repentance to happen, to learn to control my worry, so I can be more mentally and emotionally present with my family, and be able to fully experience the joy they offer me.
I do not yet know how to conquer this. I’ve started to see a therapist to help me with my anxiety, and I think that will help. I’ve had issues with anxiety and OCD for much of my life and the medical profession has a lot to offer. But I know the heart of the matter is not my issues with mental health. It is my issues with faith. And as with all important matters in life, the solution lies in Jesus Christ and His Atonement. On my mission, my anxiety was a major crippling issue. I was not just experiencing worry, I was having frequent, and occasionally massive, panic attacks. While on my mission, I had many personal revelations from God teaching me and coaching me on how to overcome my worry. I want to share one of those experiences now. It came in a dream.
In the dream, I approached my mission president’s desk for a President’s interview. I sat down, and President Rowley looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Elder Darais, do you have faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ?” I very timidly stumbled out the words, “I-I think so President.” “Well then” he said firmly, “are you going to go around worried all the time, or are you going to start treating life like your playground?”
And then I woke up. Wide awake, with complete consciousness, and complete awareness that what I had just received was from God. The dream was so vivid, I can still replay it in my mind.
Life can and should be fun, especially family life. Part of being a disciple of Christ is having real faith in Christ, faith that carries our burdens, worries, guilt, and imperfections. Faith that frees up our minds and hearts to invest in the eternal relationships we are building and enjoy the fun that is happening around us. I am trying to grow this faith by consistently engaging with the word of God. When we bring our best selves to the relationship that mean most to us, I believe we will find incredible joy and fun and life can even start to feel like a playground.
Testimony 2 minutes:
In closing, I desire to share the deep love and richness I have found in my own family. When I stumble home from a long and hard day of work, and my kids come bursting out the front door to wrap their arms around me and ask me to throw them in the air (even if I yelled at them just the day before), I literally feel like I’m coming to an oasis after a journey in the desert. The love, the laughter, the forgiveness and acceptance of who I am with all my warts is the most satisfying feeling I’ve ever felt. I testify that family is at the heart of the gospel. All of us should be seeking family. Most importantly, we should be strengthening the relationships with our heavenly Father, Mother and Brother, Jesus Christ. Family is the whole reason Christ died for us. We are His family.
