On Thursday Abe woke up pretty sick, but he had a lot to do at work so he went in anyway. His voice was very low and attractive all day. đ
I went swimming in the morning at the gym and felt so grateful and lucky to have that activity in my day.
Abe came home sick and went to bed almost right after dinner.
This morning Abe and I went on a run. I ran a mile and a half, which is not much I know, but it is huge for me. This body has pushed out four children, gained a ton of weight in the process, suffers from all sorts of pains and problems, and I can still run. I am so hugely thankful for this blessing. There was a time after having Clarissa that I would watch people run and honestly wonder whether I would ever do anything more than shuffle for the rest of my life.
Abe took Ammon fishing today while my mom, the girls and I ran errands. I loved going to the library with the two older girls–it was such a luxury not to chase Clarissa around!
Clarissa was really funny in Target, though. Halfway through she stood up in the cart seat and said, “I’m done!” with a mischievous smile on her face. I tightened the strap, buckled her firmly in and said, “No, Clarissa. We sit down in the cart!”
At that point, Clarissa let out a shriek of anger and started sobbing and screaming to everyone around, “HELP ME!! HELP ME!!!”
I about died laughing. It was so funny to see her implore the store to help her to escape from the safety of her buckle. But then I found my sympathy, unbuckled her and carried her for the rest of the time. She is so funny.
And then in the evening my mom and I went to institute with Lori Atoa. The institute class has been amazing. The woman teaching it is a church revolutionary feminist, and this last class of the semester she preached about how to practice radical doctrine in the context of real life. She talked so beautifully about how to forgive and grow in that space. I was so inspired.
Then I ran out to buy pajamas because tomorrow is pj day for Lydia and she literally does not own a single pair that fits her. I was racing to get to the store and find some for her because her bottom literally hangs out of her current pajamas. Thank goodness I found some.
Steve Young came over while my mom and I were gone and helped Abe with his golf swing, and now Abe is playing basketball with a friend.
On Tuesday Abe announced he was going to take the kids to the new How to Train Your Dragon movie. So my mom and I went too, and we got a babysitter for Clarissa.
During the day Abe had a pretty stressful, hard day at work and I finished reading The Next Mormons at home. It was kind of depressing, so I think we all were glad for a little escape.
Also, the kids stayed home sick from school again. I spent about two hours working with Lydia on the harp in the morning, and then it was nap time so I basically retired from parenting for the rest of the day. The kids watched A LOT of tv.
Oh, and in the morning my mom and I introduced Ammon to some figure skating videos. He LOVED them. We have been watching him twirl and dance and attire himself in the frilliest costumes imaginable, and it finally clicked that he might have the soul of an ice skater. We’ll see, I guess. He certainly loved the videos and now throws his leg up behind himself and extends his arms every time you mention ice skating.
On Monday I went to yoga in the morning and Abe went to work early to try to catch up on work. He had a good day at work and I also had a good day at home. I neglected the kids and actually wrote a couple pages for the book I am working on with my friend, Ashley. I realized as I wrote that the process of writing well is so different from the process of just writing whatever comes to my head (which is basically what I do every single time I blog). Trying to write well is SO HARD. But really, it feels so worth it too.
Abe must have taken this photo at some point during the day, because I found it marked for Monday in Google photos. The mountains are still covered in snow, even though it’s starting to feel like Spring.
On Sunday we ate breakfast at the hotel and then drove home from Boise. When we got back everyone was dirty–or felt dirty–after the car ride, so we put all of the kids in the bath and let them play. We wanted to take a family walk afterward but were too tired, so the kids just ran around inside until bedtime.
On Saturday Abe and I went on a run, packed everything and everyone up, and then drove to Boise for Ben Martineau’s memorial dinner.
It is such a shock knowing he’s gone. We reminisced about him on the way up. It was also so sad seeing Candace and her kids and knowing how hard this must be for them. The most poignant part of the evening was when everyone released balloons with lights inside of them and memories attached to them into the sky. My heart just broke for my dear friend.
Abe took this picture earlier in the evening, during the dinner. (We just ate on the lawn because it was too crazy in the tent with the kids.)
Abe told me a cute story about Ammon. I guess the kid were all playing with the balloons, and some little boy started crying because his popped. Abe told Ammon to give his balloon to the little boy. Ammon walked right up to the boy, literally nose-to-nose–inches away from his face–pointed, turned to Abe, and said, “This boy?”
When Abe said, yes, that was the crying boy that needed a balloon, Ammon immediately handed his over, turned aound to Abe and burst into tears. Of course Abe’s heart melted and then he asked Mary to share her balloon, which she also did immediately, no questions asked. We are all so proud of Ammon and Mary.
My own heart was touched over dinner with Lydia, who was processing an exchange she’d had with a boy at the funeral. He had made fun of her for her speech issues (she is in therapy because she struggles to say “r”) and called her a baby. Then he started poking her with a stick. Lydia asked him to please stop poking her. He continued, so Abe intervened. The boy backed off, and then Lydia spent dinner wondering why anyone would do that. She was genuinely confused because she has never been bullied or made fun of before, and it was startling to her to discover that some people can be so mean. She wasn’t mad at the boy at all, but spent a lot of time wondering why. As I watched her thin little form process this new reality, my heart just went straight out to her. Lydia has one of the sweetest, purest souls and I learned so much from the way she didn’t judge or act unkind toward the boy who had hurt her.
Clarissa was a handful, wandering around and trying to test every boundary. I will be so happy when we are past this stage.
On Thursday I took the girls around the neighborhood to canvas for their fun run. They are so determined to raise as much money as possible, and Lydia loves talking to people at their door. Ammon shares this love and even though he wasn’t supposed to say anything, he talked up a storm too. Mary is very shy, but she loves knocking on doors of people she loves.
Ammon had to use the bathroom and so the Morrells allowed us in to use theirs. While there Rose Marie showed me her quilting projects, which are amazing.
Then we went home and put everyone to bed. Abe and I talked and talked for hours that night because he had been feeling lonely because of my faith journey stuff. We talked until we were in a place of love, safety, and unity. I love my husband so much.
Today Ammon and Clarissa spent a lot of time playing by the kitchen sink. I was distracted on my computer and didn’t realize Ammon was actually using the sink hose to flood the kitchen. When I looked up, there was water everywhere! I cleaned it right up, but these kids were so happy making this mischief, I couldn’t stay mad at them. (I took the picture below before they made the big mess.)
Mary was darling and perfect all day today. When she came home from school, she ate her dinner quickly, skipped to the piano, did her practice, completed her homework right after that, helped me out when I needed a towel but couldn’t leave the babies in the bath, and just was all around darling beyond belief.
Lydia also made me proud because she bounced into the car after school and declared she had had a good day even though a lot of things had gone wrong. I was so proud of that great attitude!!
Today was full of friendship. I called my friend Julie, video chatted with my friend Jen, texted with my friend Thalia, and post-messaged some other friends. I’ve been neglecting Abe, though, so I’m hoping things will slow down and I can start focusing more on him.
On Tuesday I spent the morning playing and reading to Ammon and Clarissa. I love those little humans so much. It was fun to dance with them, chase them, play hide and seek, and read until my throat felt dry and tickly. Even though I felt exhausted by 11am and put Clarissa down for her nap early because I just couldn’t do more, I felt full.
I also spent a lot of energy on Facebook, trying to summon up all of the love and forgiveness my heart is capable of in order to respond to a post that felt very hurtful to me. It came from someone I love and respect, so that made it hard. But I kept returning to my phone over and over and over to analyze my feelings, follow the threads, and type out thoughts. I think the thread was very loving and respectful, and it ended up bringing together some sisters from my mission. It’s always great to be in touch with that crowd.
Lydia screamed for an hour during harp practice, but I was so proud of myself. I kept repeating to myself that the only thing that matters is love, and I didn’t scream back!!! I was dangerously quiet and at times obviously upset, but this new understanding of love worked to help keep me from screaming. I am grateful for the baby steps of progress. They give me hope that I can actually grow and someday, change.
In the evening Abe took the girls around the neighborhood in the pouring rain to canvas for their upcoming school fun run. I stayed home, read Mary Oliver essays, and typed away on my book. I don’t think I’ll use a word of what I’ve written so far in the actual book, but you’ve got to start somewhere.
In the morning I met up with a mission friend, Alainna, in Pleasant Grove for a play date at a park. It was beautiful weather and it was wonderful to catch up.
Then I came home, put Clarissa down for a nap, and read A New Constellation. Right after I read the sweetest email from Linda Hoffman Kimball, my old seminary teacher. She co-founded MWEG and Segullah, and she reached out to me because of some of my Exponent FB posts. Her email detailed her own faith journey, which felt more similar to mine than any I have encountered so far. The thing about faith journeys is that everyone’s looks different. When you are in the center of your faith, it’s kind of fun to know you all believe the same basic things together. A journey feels pretty lonely sometimes, and even when other people are on the journey at the same time, theirs often looks so different than mine.
That was not the case with Linda’s, which just was so resonant. I cried through her email and then sobbed through the poem she sent me. I’ll paste it at the end.
In the evening I picked up Alainna again and we drove to meet our friend Jen for dinner in Draper. We talked for three hours about our faith journeys. It was so wonderful to connect with each of them. I love them. I read them Linda’s poem over dinner. Here it is:
A Missive from the Field March 2019
Linda Hoffman Kimball
I came here because God was pretty emphatic
that I should join this crowd.
Lead me on, Lord. Take my hand.
They seemed as kind and good as the congregation
I already loved with its choir robes, Fellowship Hour
and Old Rugged Cross.
I came to their new font humming âJesus Loves Me, This I knowâ â
The song which had nourished me for years like Motherâs milk.
No one else here knew the words.
Decades later this new place is still strange.
I find God cloaked in odd attire.
I donât know why they dress Him up in
These unbecoming disguises â
Grumpy as a grandpa if He doesnât get His way,
Fussy about particulars, preoccupied with shoulders, roles and restrictions.
God knows what Iâm going through.
We keep in very close touch,
And weâre patient with each other for the most part.
A sense of humor goes a long way for both of us.
I still see Him in action often here, selfless and gushing with grace,
Although I think they might call it something else.
I havenât adopted the accent.
God is apparently just fine with who I am.
Weâre still lovingly cheek to jowl (metaphorically speaking.
These folks take everything so LITERALLY!)
But I do long for my old spiritual home cooking and spices.
These folks, nice as they are, donât quite know what to make of me.
I check in regularly, making sure Iâm still where God wants me.
âYep,â God says. âYouâre goodâŚ.
or as this crowd might say âCarry on.ââ
