On Thursday after dropping the kids off at school, I drove to Salt Lake with Ammon and Clarissa. We met up with Sara, Lennon and Madeline to do the Silicon Slopes service project at the Salt Palace. The service project was to pack a million meals for the homeless, and it was so fun and kid friendly. We even made the paper! (Well, Sara, Lennon and my hand made the paper. Here’s the link: https://www.deseret.com/utah/2020/1/30/21114050/tech-summit-mark-zuckerberg-debate-silicon-slopes-governor-candidates)
My hands were very tied up so I could only snap one picture at the very beginning when we were getting trained. (Near the end Clarissa started crying so I had to hold her with one arm while filling bags with the other.):
Afterward Sara took Ammon in her car with her kids and Clarissa and I picked up the girls from school. We came home and then Sara, her kids and Ammon joined us for dinner. We had Abe’s birthday dinner again: borscht, smoked salmon blinis, cabbage pie, and bruschetta. Visiting with Sara and her crew was so, so fun. And she brought me the most beautiful picture to hang in the living room! Her mom and her mom’s friend were artists, so Sara has a ton of extra beautiful art. I am so excited about the picture she lent us. It is perfect.
Abe had a training after dinner and then went to basketball. I forget what I did at home–I think I put the kids down and read a book? Or maybe I went to bed. Either way, it was a full, fun day.
The girls have been making cards and pictures for Abe’s birthday all week. No exaggeration, Mary has used almost all of her free time running into my mom’s room and preparing all sorts of surprises for Abe. On Monday evening they made him go to bed early so they could set out a trail of cards around the house so he would be surprised on the morning of his birthday. Abe is the most amazing dad, and I was so thrilled to see that the girls seem to have internalized that fact and expressed their appreciation for him in such colorful, creative, sweet ways.
I basically spent the whole day cooking Abe’s birthday dinner. I made borscht, cabbage pie in a yeasted dough, rye bread, and honey yeast blinis with creme fraiche, dill and smoked salmon.
Thankfully, Lydia made Abe’s cake ALL BY HERSELF and so I didn’t have to do a thing for that. (Okay, I wiped up a powdered sugar spill, but that was it.) It was honestly the best tasting chocolate cake I have ever had. We were all so impressed.
The girls made Abe’s birthday breakfast all by themselves. (That is fruit in whipped cream in the bowl. Abe said it was actually very tasty.)
Lydia baked this beautiful, delicious cake from a recipe in her Look and Cook cookbook. I didn’t realize that cookbook had any recipes that were worth noting, but apparently this one is. The cake didn’t look the color of chocolate cakes I normally love, but it was so moist, perfectly textured, and so delicious. I am hungry just thinking about it.
Today Lydia and Mary insisted that they stay up until after I went to bed so they could set things up for my birthday. I did not want them staying up until 11:00 and I did not want to go to bed at 9:00, so I went to my bed and pretended to sleep, complete with snores.
I could hear those sweet little girls running all around my room and the house setting up love-notes for my treasure hunt in the morning. After Lily put them to bed, I encountered them and was so incredibly touched. I didn’t actually read all the notes until my birthday, but here are some of the notes they left for me:
On Sunday the girls had fun playing with their baby doll and pretending to walk one of their stuffed dogs. They were so cute.
One of Abe’s new friends in the new ward came over with his wife to meet me. It was fun visiting with them. She homeschooled her kids and both of them are so dedicated to their family.
Lydia baked us all cupcakes. She looooooves baking so much and is so good at it.
Then I spent a couple hours reading The Mormon Jesus while the kids played. Abe made spaghetti for all of us, and afterward we watched Helen Keller and Mr. Rogers. Then we did two Cosmic Kids yoga videos as a family. We all had so much fun doing yoga together!
After we put the kids down, Abe and I watched an episode of The Crown and then talked for over an hour. Abe struggled in church on Sunday because they were discussing Pres Nelson’s talk to the women where he tells the women not to ever let anyone to tell them they are anything less than what they they are. In his head, Abe was thinking, “YOU and the very structure of the church is the main messenger of that message to these LDS women. Can’t we please get a shred of introspection in our leadership??”
I was also feeling wistful because that episode of the crown made me wish I had more faith. I have been toying with aetheism lately and feeling more cynical and, honestly, kind of hopeless. The last episode of The Crown featured the awful accident in wales where 116 children were buried alive in coal dust. I cried and just felt so miserable thinking that there is no justice or reparation for all of the senseless misery in the world.
In short, we concluded that maybe we should resolve our problems by changing to the Community of Christ church. Abe would still get the Book of Mormon and restoration tradition, but it would be a healthy church without all of the problems we have in the LDS church. They are transparent about the origin story, the BOM is optional and not literal, women are in leadership, and their values align with our family values. Among their pillars of belief, they include caring for the earth, social justice for the oppressed, historical transparency, radical inclusion, and financial transparency. It’s basically everything we wish the LDS church would be. So we’re going to try out the Provo branch next Sunday and see what we think. I so want my kids to be proud of their religious heritage, but I just can’t imagine how they ever could be when the LDS church is such a morally backward toxic mess. (Also, I don’t feel comfortable letting my girls go to young women. My memory of Young Women was constantly writing lists of what I wanted in a husband and tons of lessons about marriage and motherhood. I just don’t think it is appropriate to be telling twelve year old girls their highest value to society lies in their ability to reproduce.)
On Saturday I lounged around in my pajamas until, er, 3pm. I don’t remember everything I did but Abe got this picture of a cozy reading moment. I have been reading The Conscious Parent and have been trying to be more present with my kids. It is amazing how I actually perceive and see them completely differently when I am relaxed and mindful. It’s a great book.
Lydia baked two batches of waffles AND Abe’s birthday cake all by herself!!
At 3 I left for bikram yoga, and after working out so much all week it felt amazing to do bikram. Then I came home, showered, and helped get people ready to go to Betsy’s birthday party. She had it at the Neighborhood Art Center in Provo, and wow was it fun. There was delicious food everywhere and lots of stations to create. It encapsulated Betsy’s creativity, talent, and fun so perfectly.
Also I had the best conversation with a friend from Hyde Park. Sometimes I wonder if I misunderstood or came to the wrong conclusions about Jesus after reading books by Ehrman, Sanders, Aslan, Moffic, and N.T. Wright. But her husband went to the University of Chicago and is a professor that specializes in early Christianity, and he has come to the same conclusions I have. This was immensely validating to me because I don’t know any flesh and blood people who have studied the historical Jesus. It’s just not a thing Mormons do, and most don’t even know what the term, “historical Jesus” even means. So sometimes I think I’ve gone completely crazy and am all alone, but to find her husband, who is brilliant and has been educated at the best schools in the country, feels the same way I do was just so AMAZING. I wanted to give her a giant hug every five seconds and thank her for talking to me.
Also Abe made the best painting in the art room. Isn’t he talented?
Meanwhile we left Ammon at home with my mom. They had a peaceful, fun evening watching Dumbo together. (Ammon calls it “Jumbo.”)
It seemed like I spent a lot of time on Marco Polo on Friday. In the morning I worked out at the gym and then showed the old house to some prospective renters. In the evening I went back to the tile store and finished picking tile for the basement bathroom.
Abe and the other managers had to work from 6pm to 1am to do a last minute revision of the sales books for their reps. He cuddled with Clarissa before he left. We also ate Chinese food for Chinese New Year. (It went straight through Abe and me. Yikes!)
After Abe left the girls did their practice, and then I put down Clarissa and attempted to put Ammon to sleep too. Despite getting a lot of back scratches and listening to Enya, he couldn’t drift off, so I let him watch the new Aladdin with the girls and me. I loved cuddling with those three on the couch and felt so, so lucky all evening.
On Thursday I worked out on the bike in the morning and then did a lot of housework while listening to the end of Circe on Audible. It started off a little slow but I ended up absolutely loving it. I don’t think I will ever forget that book.
In the evening I took Lydia to her harp lesson. Abe also had a wonderful phone call with Dean Richardson and felt so, so happy afterward. He has been feeling a lot of existential angst and that conversation made him feel understood and validated.
I don’t remember much else from this day. I think I did a lot of laundry and cleaned the house a bunch.
On Wednesday Abe stayed home because we were up all Tuesday night with Clarissa, who puked twice. I slept in her bed for part of the night and even though I felt so bad for her, I loved cuddling with her and singing to her. She is such an adorable, sweet child.
In the afternoon Abe and I went to the tile store to pick out tile for the downstairs bathroom.
On the way there we got this adorable picture of Clarissa and Ammon together:
In the evening Mary had a performance class, and Abe took all the kids except Lydia with him while he dropped her off and cleaned the van for me. Lydia and I had a sweet time together. She practiced drawing next to me, and then she followed me around with her pen and paper while I puttered. I am so lucky to have this beautiful, talented, kind-hearted person as a daughter!
On Tuesday we had Michaelann and her boyfriend, Andy, over for a belated birthday dinner for Dr. King. We ate southern food and chatted for hours. They are such delightful people!
I don’t remember much of what happened before that, but I have this cute photo of Ammon and Clarissa dressed up from earlier in the day.
Today I woke up early to go running. I’ve definitely had some winter blues, and running was so wonderful for my health and state of mind.
When I came home, I relaxed with Lily a bit, and then we both got up to find that the girls had made a “tea party” breakfast consisting mainly of banana with Nutella. It was so sweet, they had set up all of their stuffed animals all around the table. Clarissa sat on my lap, ate all the Nutella from my banana and smeared Nutella on my new sweater, but I loved every second of it (even eating the mushy banana remains she left me). At the table, Lily and I took the opportunity to teach about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I shared my thoughts about how amazing his example was for non-violent influence, and for preaching unity between African American and white people. I then read the Wikipedia article on Martin Luther King Jr., and we listened to the “I Have a Dream” speech (which blew my mind) and then Lily shared additional thoughts about the complexity and history of relations between African Americans and white people in America. I.LOVE.FAMILY.CHATS.
Then Lily and I made contact with my old real estate agent in Chicago to help us sell our condo.
Then Lily read and rested a lot, which is great because she is fighting sinus infection, I spent time looking into a 5K run in Moab, working on the finances, making a plan for getting our condo fixed, and playing some basketball. I also took my share of rest 🙂
The rest of the day was so fun and cozy. Ammon wanted soooo much attention and to a large degree, I gave it to him, and it felt so so good. I threw him on the couch, worked on a puzzle with him, walked around with him on my shoulders, and more. While playing with him, I remembered all the time when he was a baby, and I was so tired and rested on the floor instead of playing with him. I sincerely hope, my life will open up just a little, and that I can spend more dedicated time with him. Between being a pod-lead, team lead 1, and team lead 2, I have been a player coach for most if not all of Ammon’s life.
At 5:00 Mary had her eye exercises appointment and then we had a special daddy daughter dinner date at Chubby’s as a reward for her doing 10/12 days of her eye exercise training. We tried to talk Mary into another night so we could have a family dinner tonight commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King Junior, but she really cared that I follow through on the day I said I would, so we made it happen.
In honesty, I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally, and I was sad that I was feeling particularly blue on my date with Mary. But God handed us a little miracle. Mary fell asleep on the way to Chubby’s, and while she rested, I called Lily to vent all of my sorrows (mostly revolving around the powerful doubts in my mind about the afterlife, the existence of God and if life has meaning). In times like that, Lily is the only thing that can give me a spark of light, and life, and love, and venting to her was what I needed to keep going. I slapped a grin on my face, woke Mary up and had a wonderful time with her.
She was very shy, and didn’t talk much. I asked her lots of questions, including the question, “am I asking too many questions?” She said that I was, so I backed off. With Mary, she likes things to be really easy and low key. Long silences can pass, and she’s happy with that. She just likes to be in each other’s presence. Honestly, it’s so sweet and low-pressure, and easy. I love it to.
Lily was working hard at that homefront while I had this sweet experience with Mary. Thank you Lily!
Mary with her stuffies at bed time. She also asked Lydia to play stuffies with her earlier in the day, and they had fun marrying off different stuffed animals to each other.
