Today Lydia excitedly kept begging to listen to “High Times Hard Times” from the Newsies movie tonight. We have been so into that movie lately and listening and dancing to the sound track a lot. Then something happened that hurt her feelings and she started to cry. Then we snuggled and then she started feeling better. Later in the evening she melted down because she lost a book she needed for a reading competition. Then I found it in the garage boxes and she was very happy about that. Both the song, and Lydia’s personal representation of the point of the song represent yet another layer, which is a fair narrative of our lives currently.
There is so much good and so much that is difficult all happening at the exact same time. We are in our dream home. I got a promotion. Anxiety is very high. Life is intense and we are now dealing with finishing the basement, selling our condo, and renting our old house. Days feel compressed and ever corner feels like it has another issue to address. Two nights ago I had 1.5 hours of sleep because my mind wouldn’t relax. I’m wrestling mightily with my faith, and struggling at times to feel like God is truly there. Yet we are experiencing beautiful moments with friends and family, and learning so much now that we are willing to venture beyond mormon orthodoxy for our world view. Yes, it’s high times and hard times all wrapped into one. Now for the blow by blow:
This morning I woke up early and had a Nordic Track bike workout while Lily took Lydia to her 6:30 AM harp lesson. I’m amazed at both of them for doing that. I baaaarely got out of bed for my bike workout and frankly may not have if Lily hadn’t asked me to get up and help get Lydia ready for the harp lesson. That was a major help!
I LOVED my workout. I felt quite good at work today and I know the workout was a part of that. I do walk around in a perpetual fog of existential crisis. Worries about the existence of God, my promotion interview (aftermath of the panic attack), the afterlife, sexuality (Lily read a book last week that gave us things to think about), my own values, morality, what it all means, the purpose of life, what I want to be etc etc etc. But, on the whole, I was able to pull myself together and felt pretty decent and performed well at work.
I finally feel like I’m getting back in somewhat of a rhythm of life, and my anxiety is improving, which is a MAJOR improvement from previous weeks. Thank you God 🙂
While I was at work, Lily listed our old home on a website to try to rent it out, and she also met with a nanny applicant who will watch our kids while we are in Bora Bora. I am so amazed at all Lily accomplished today. Thank you for being such a heavy hitter! The interview went super well, and I assume we will hire her.
At the end of my work day, I visited my therapist. I haven’t seen her for a month due to scheduling, and as you can imaging with all of the things swirling in my head that I previously mentioned, I just spewed everything swirling inside of me for over an hour, with occasional pauses to listen to what Mary Lou had to say. I had so much to get out, and she is such a great therapist. Today I told her I loved her, because I do. She has played an instrumental role in my life.
When I got home, I took over the home routine because Lily was going to observe a law class that her friend Sarah was teaching. I hope she had fun! She deserved it after all her great work trying to rent the house today. She also had dinner all prepared, so my job was relatively easy.
I had fun being home with the kids. We had spring rolls with fun toppings to put inside, including Jack Fruit (which I am obsessed with and it was unbelievable earlier in the week when Lily made it to mimic bbq chicken in a sandwich).
Then I cleaned, danced with the babies, did Mary’s eye exercises and now I’m resting. All in all, a good day 🙂
