Month: January 2020

On Saturday Mary read Fantastic Mr. Fox from cover to cover. We have had a hard time finding books that draw her in, so this was huge! I thought a proper celebration was in order.

On Sunday I made chicken cordon bleu because it has all of the meats Mr. Fox stole from the farmers: chicken, ham, and bacon. Actually, I don’t eat ham so I put prosciutto in–and even then it was too much for me.

We had the Harmons over for dinner and afterwards the kids played and danced so nicely together. Hannah had this adorable little shark move that matched the Baby Shark song, and my favorite moment was when the dads came through the living en route to the basketball court. Both Abe and Steve were dancing to Baby Shark right along with their toddlers, and it was so cute.

I pushed myself way too hard yesterday, and I woke up feeling completely gutted emotionally, and mentally.  Things have been particularly hard with my faith as well. Never in my life have I felt more angst, strain, and discouragement around my participation in my church and my faith in God and belief in the afterlife.  I think it was just me not feeling well combining with the unraveling of my faith (a necessary step before rebuilding), but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, it was a TOUGH day.

Thank goodness it was Saturday. I was able to throw myself into organizing the garage. It’s like a giant game of tetris and I’m obsessed with organizing and it always makes me happy. I was also able to be around Lily, Georgia and the children which is so nourishing to me.

Lily and I both had our hearts melted when we saw the below note from Mary left for Lily in the bathroom:

Also Lydia wrote a play that we all acted out about two friends who persisted in their friendship despite one of the children’s parents initially disagreeing with the friendship.

Then we watched the newest Maleficent, and cleaned. The movie was outstanding.

After 6:00, Lexi came over. She is the nanny we are going to hire to watch our kids during Bora Bora, and she came over to do a trial run.

Lily and I took the opportunity to have a date night with Steve and Blair at one of our favorite restaurants, Good Move Cafe. We played Coup, one of our go-to games. I was not feeling well at all, actually depressed from fatigue, stress, and spiritual questions and doubts. I went to the restroom to try to pull myself together to enjoy the evening. And enjoy the evening I did. By the end, I was feeling much better. Steve and Blair were so fun to talk to, and Lily was very sweet to me on the ride home saying how much she loves me. I was not as expressive due to my state of my, but man I hope that woman knows that she is my world and my song 🙂

We came back a perfectly clean home and a good report from Lexi. I’m feeling very good about her watching the kids while we are in Bora Bora.

Today was a very intense day at work.  As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, we had massive account shifts across the sales organization and it was very difficult on a lot of my reps. I was very busy (and tired) yesterday and didn’t engage much with what my team was going through with account changes, so today, I wanted to make sure I showed up and was involved and invested. I met with each of my seven reps, heard them vent, and also heard specific issues that I needed to escalate.  At the end of the day, I packaged everything into an e-mail that sent to my manager. It was an incredibly intense day, especially given the fact that I don’t quite feel 100% yet as it is, but I felt happy about the good work that was done.

At home I took Mary to her piano lesson (with Ammon to make it easier for Lily to cook), and came home to an all-out Harry Potter feast.

Half-way through the day, Lily got the idea to do an all-out Harry Potter feast, and she frantically started cooking. When our guests, the Marshall’s, arrived around 6:40, they jumped in to help finish preparations. It was amazing what dishes Lily was preparing. Lamb, roasted chicken, acorn squash, coli-flower with Indian seasoning, and pumpkin pasteys. Everything was soooooo good. The kids played Harry Potter movies leading up to the meal, and Eli was over for everything as well and even helped in the kitchen, as did the other kids (here is a video of Ammon helping). Eli was adorable in the kitchen. When Chelsea arrived and asked me what she could do, I wasn’t quite sure, but Eli chimed right in and told her what to do, and even told her she was a fast learner. I was busy making butter beer. It was intense. Imagine adding tons of butter, brown sugar, and cream to cream soda….wow, it was like a buttery sugar shot to the veins, but it was quite yummy. Everything was so delicious. Lily did such an amazing job. The roast chicken was my favorite.

It was so fun talking to the Marshall’s. They are such wonderful, warm and delightful friends, and their kids play so well with ours.

The dinner also meant a lot to me spiritually. Before dating Lily, I had a dream about her hosting friends and family to fabulous home-cooked meal, and making everyone feel happy, warm, and welcome with food and laughter. That dream gave me a peak into what my future would be like with Lily, and I was taken aback to reflect on that dream as I was living it out in real time with her. Lily is such a beautiful, welcoming, creative and fun soul. We all had such a great time. Thank you sweetie!! Here are pictures!

(Mary attended a birthday party during the day)

 

(Ammon, who seems to be accident prone, is the only one who had his butter beer spontaneously combust)

Today was a good day. I felt good.

The main happening for me at work today is we had annual account shifts happened, and they were particularly severe this year due to aligning with SAP and specific industry verticals. Basically everyone on the sales floor was upset today. It’s difficult for the reps in a growing company, because it often means territories shrink to provide territories for new reps to be hired.

I cleared my entire backlog at work today, so I am finally in position to really be in a rhythm. I’m very excited about that.

Lily met up with her friend Sarah again today and they and the kids all had a wonderful time together. Ammon really likes her son Lennon.

When I got home, we all had Taco night (improvised with tortilla chips since our taco shells were expired), and then Lily, Georgia and the girls went to see the new Little Women movie. Lily said it was her favorite one ever made and she can’t wait to see it with me. She cried a lot during it.

At home, I cleaned up, watch movies with the babies (Frozen and the new 2019 Dumbo) and fixed our speakers so the subwoofer works now. I tested the sound system with a quick dance party with the kids. It mostly involves throwing, swinging, and flipping Ammon onto the couch over and over again. He’s a great size for that. Clarrisa gets scared if I do too much of that, so she just hops around mostly and is entertained by Ammon’s acrobatics.

Then I spent some times in my values worksheet, planned my day, called my dad, did Mary’s eye exercises and now its time to rest.

Yay!

Here is a picture of Mary doing her eye exercises. She set up her stuffed animals next to her to keep her company during her eye exercises. It’s so sweet that she finds ways to make the work more fun (spoonfull of sugar). She has so much work with school (which has a ton of homework), music, eye therapy etc. I’m glad she finds ways to still find joy in the grind…sweet thing 🙂

 

Today Lydia excitedly kept begging to listen to “High Times Hard Times” from the Newsies movie tonight. We have been so into that movie lately and listening and dancing to the sound track a lot. Then something happened that hurt her feelings and she started to cry. Then we snuggled and then she started feeling better. Later in the evening she melted down because she lost a book she needed for a reading competition. Then I found it in the garage boxes and she was very happy about that. Both the song, and Lydia’s personal representation of the point of the song represent yet another layer, which is a fair narrative of our lives currently.

There is so much good and so much that is difficult all happening at the exact same time. We are in our dream home. I got a promotion. Anxiety is very high. Life is intense and we are now dealing with finishing the basement, selling our condo, and renting our old house. Days feel compressed and ever corner feels like it has another issue to address. Two nights ago I had 1.5 hours of sleep because my mind wouldn’t relax. I’m wrestling mightily with my faith, and struggling at times to feel like God is truly there. Yet we are experiencing beautiful moments with friends and family, and learning so much now that we are willing to venture beyond mormon orthodoxy for our world view. Yes, it’s high times and hard times all wrapped into one. Now for the blow by blow:

This morning I woke up early and had a Nordic Track bike workout while Lily took Lydia to her 6:30 AM harp lesson. I’m amazed at both of them for doing that. I baaaarely got out of bed for my bike workout and frankly may not have if Lily hadn’t asked me to get up and help get Lydia ready for the harp lesson. That was a major help!

I LOVED my workout. I felt quite good at work today and I know the workout was a part of that. I do walk around in a perpetual fog of existential crisis. Worries about the existence of God, my promotion interview (aftermath of the panic attack), the afterlife, sexuality (Lily read a book last week that gave us things to think about), my own values, morality, what it all means, the purpose of life, what I want to be etc etc etc. But, on the whole, I was able to pull myself together and felt pretty decent and performed well at work.

I finally feel like I’m getting back in somewhat of a rhythm of life, and my anxiety is improving, which is a MAJOR improvement from previous weeks. Thank you God 🙂

While I was at work, Lily listed our old home on a website to try to rent it out, and she also met with a nanny applicant who will watch our kids while we are in Bora Bora.  I am so amazed at all Lily accomplished today. Thank you for being such a heavy hitter! The interview went super well, and I assume we will hire her.

At the end of my work day, I visited my therapist. I haven’t seen her for a month due to scheduling, and as you can imaging with all of the things swirling in my head that I previously mentioned, I just spewed everything swirling inside of me for over an hour, with occasional pauses to listen to what Mary Lou had to say. I had so much to get out, and she is such a great therapist. Today I told her I loved her, because I do. She has played an instrumental role in my life.

When I got home, I took over the home routine because Lily was going to observe a law class that her friend Sarah was teaching. I hope she had fun! She deserved it after all her great work trying to rent the house today. She also had dinner all prepared, so my job was relatively easy.

I had fun being home with the kids. We had spring rolls with fun toppings to put inside, including Jack Fruit (which I am obsessed with and it was unbelievable earlier in the week when Lily made it to mimic bbq chicken in a sandwich).

Then I cleaned, danced with the babies, did Mary’s eye exercises and now I’m resting. All in all, a good day 🙂

Today I stayed home from work. It was amazing. I didn’t sleep much Sunday night, and I powered through Monday, but when Lily said it would help her for me to take today off so we could run errands together returning things in Salt Lake, it sounded like a great idea to me.

I love spending time with Lily. Honestly, she is my life and my home, and I’m never happier than when I’m just palling around with her. That’s what today was.

We both worked out in the morning and then I dropped Mary off at school, came back for Lily and then we all went to drop Lydia off and headed to Salt Lake. We returned things at Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware. Lily has been so amazing to put in pretty much all of the work for the basement finishing decisions. I feel so grateful she finds that fun, it works out well 🙂

I took Lydia and Ammon to Harmons for groceries while Lily did returns at Restoration Hardware. Lily asked how it worked when I told her that neither of them were in the cart for a fair part of the time, and come to think of it, I’m not quite sure how that worked…..but we all made it out and nothing was damaged to my knowledge 🙂

Then we all went to have a lunch date with Lily’s friend Sarah. We all had a lot of fun talking about Rodin, Homeschooling, National Parks, and more. I really enjoy Sarah. She is so fun, eclectic, smart and a very kind, compassionate soul. Thank you Lily for having such wonderful friends :).

After that, we headed home, and dropped off some cookies for Moroni’s family since his son Ethan was opening his mission call, his Nephew (who works on our house with him) had a birthday, and we are just generally grateful for Moroni’s wonderful work and his family’s friendship. He sent us the nicest note afterwards.

Then before we had dinner at home, Lily and I discussed the Chicago condo.  That condo has meant so much to me, because it reminds me of meeting Lily, and Hyde Park which was a very special time in my life. Buying it was also a very spiritual experience. The thought of selling it makes me sad, like a piece of me will die. Also, even worse was realizing as we talked that we might lose a lot of money in selling it. I probably paid too much (maybe way too much) for it, and now we might lose tens of thousands (maybe multiple tens of thousands) of dollars selling it. That doesn’t help my faith much given how led I felt to buying a condo at that time, but I also know that God’s involvement in our lives does not always mean we will make money. Sometimes there are purposes we are not aware of, even if it is just to have the experience or learn the lesson, or make a memory.

I was really sad and very off-balance after our conversation. I’m so sentimental and nostalgic, and the thought of selling, and for a loss (uggh!), was more than I was emotionally prepared to handle in the moment and I shut down.

Then I went to the bedroom for five minutes, did deep breathing, and prayed, and mentally visualized myself being together and cheerful for dinner and the rest of the evening (which included game night with the Kahler’s).

I feel so blessed God gave me the strength to rally that evening. We had another fondu dinner (which I loved!) and then we listened to music and I had a dance party with the kids.  Towards the end, I started telling Alexa to play songs from the CD I made for Lily when we were dating in Hyde Park. Shaggy’s “Angel”, “Copperline” by James Taylor, “Speechless” by Lady Gaga, “Smile” by Uncle Cracker. Lily came over and we made out on the couch for a bit. It somehow helped me let go of selling the condo. Lily and I both agree I need to find that whole playlist. It will be a great way to take us both back to the Hyde Park days now that we are selling the condo. We also found out our tenant may buy it from us. That could be super convenient!

we played Endeavor with the Kahlers. This is a repeat from last week since we had so much fun the first time, and spent 45 minutes or so just learning the rules. Now that we had the rules down, we wanted to play again before we forgot them. We had an awesome time!!!

 

 

Ok, so I remember a few things. I ran. Lily visited me with Clarissa at Qualtrics…..I was running on 1.5 hours of sleep and the day was painful because of the fatigue. OK, maybe that is why I don’t remember much 🙂

Here is a picture of Clarissa at the Qualtrics visit:

 

Sunday was our first day visiting the new ward. Lily will probably come some Sunday, but today it was me, Georgia and the kids. I really liked it. Sacrament meeting had a cool story from a returned missionary. She prayed about who to visit, and her mind felt guided to a name in her area book, that had been tried many times, and who seemingly was never home. She tried that person again, according to the spiritual prompting she had, and turns out that lady had prayed that morning to God to send her a sign that he was there.

Elder’s quorum was very nice. It was about our covenants, which is a tricky topic for me right now given my nuanced views on the church, but I was able to derive value as I reflected on the ways the rules of the church keep me safe, and how making and keeping commitments is an important principle for successful living.

At home Lily and I spent time together, and then I broke my fast over one of the most amazing things I’ve ever eaten. Lily made BBQ jackfruit sandwiches, but they tasted incredibly similar to actual bbq chicken sandwiches. I was obsessed with them (and still am). I couldn’t believe how good they were and how similar they were to real chicken.

For our Come Follow Me lesson, we discusses 1 Nephi 3:7 which essentially says God will not ask us to do anything that She/He will not help us to accomplish. We discussed the Ten Boom family from The Hiding Place that chose to trust in God’s help when they decided to follow their conscience and help endangered Jewish people hiding in their homes.

For family home evening we watched episode 4 of Mr. Rogers. Mary could barely contain her laughter when the french cat actually punched the punch clock multiple times instead of using the punch card.

Here is a picture of a dream world Lydia colored (I think if she could invent a world, this is what it is supposed to be):

Today everyone slept in after staying up late last night. I worked out and then organized the house with Abe for most of the day. I also read to the little kids while the girls did their reading after their music practice. Abe organized the garage (again) and we set up some new things around the house.

Most notably, Mary has a new little desk in my mom’s room. She is SO excited about it. She spends all of her free time with my mom coloring and just being with her Nana. So this is a very special desk that is all her own.

We spent the evening doing errands while Mary stayed home with Nana and used her new desk. All of the pictures we took today (and yesterday) accidentally got taken on a wrong phone setting, so we can’t put them in the blog.  But we do have this cute picture of Clarissa!

We celebrated my great-grandfather’s birthday a day late since Abe had to work late on Thursday. To celebrate, Mary wrote and delivered a darling speech. I made a pineapple upside-down cake. Clarissa thought it was all for her. We didn’t disabuse her of that notion. She was adorable blowing out the candles!

Sadly, all of the photos were taken in the wrong setting on my phone so I can’t post them. I’ve fixed it now so hopefully we can put pictures in future posts!