Month: February 2020

Today I basically lay in bed the entire day dying of the virus/sinus infection combo that has taken over my body. Abe was a hero and took care of the kids all day. My mom was also helpful even though she is recovering from her own surgery. Thanks, Mom!

Lydia made tapioca pudding and pancakes today. She loves Saturdays because they are baking day for her.

Mary was adorable and worked up the courage to sing to everyone. She is sooooo shy so she practiced first by singing to Nana from the closet, then came out to sing to Nana directly, and then sang to the whole family. I think she sang about how much she loves our family. (Sadly, I was in bed for the performance and missed it.) She and Lydia have been talking a lot about how much they love our family, which is a HUGE relief to me. Sometimes I worry that my early strict-parenting years scarred them for life, so it is beautiful for me to hear these conversations.

Clarissa has this funny new habit of getting stuck curled up on her closet shelf. She cries until someone comes and rescues her. We will have to get a cute picture next time.

I hardly saw Ammon at all today. In fact I don’t know if I have spent more than ten seconds with him all day, but I assume he’s been happy. (When he’s not, it’s hard to miss. He is a fantastically loud whiner when he’s upset.)

I got my ballot in the mail and to my shock it was for the Republican primaries! I did some research and found out I can’t vote in the Democratic primary because I haven’t registered my party change soon enough. Damn. But I guess I have changed a lot in the past decade, so that Republican ballot was kind of a nice reminder to me that I can change.

Abe did a lot of Qualtrics work while Clarissa was napping, and while the kids were awake he was in fully-present-dad mode. He supervised Mary’s piano, helped her with her eye exercises, played with the kids, made meals, cleaned the kitchen and is now currently cleaning the upstairs with the kids so that they can earn a movie with him. He is amazing and deserves another vacation!

On Friday I worked out for an hour even though I felt sooo ill. I am addicted to closing my activity rings on my watch, but that’s not good because I think all the heavy breathing has made it hard for my body to heal. The virus or bacteria is working its way down to my chest. Yuck.

So for the rest of the day I did parenting-lite from the couch. Clarissa ran around and amused herself while I sat there all day studying German, ancient Greek, and listening to Marco Polo. Abe was a hero and picked the kids up from school. He stayed home and took care of them for the rest of the evening which was HUGELY helpful.

He also was hyper-productive at work and made a lot of emotional progress on his panic attack today. He has been suffering from panic since December, so that was big news.

I FaceTimed into my book club in the evening because I remember loving the book they read this month, Crossing to Safety.

And then Abe and I went to bed before 10pm. We were pooped.

On Thursday my mom had her kidney stone surgery. It was very scary and painful for her, and we had a little commotion at the beginning because the nanny’s car broke down. I dropped off my mom at the surgery center, dropped the kids off at school, dropped the other kids off with the nanny (who borrowed a car to come over), and then went back to the surgery center to be there when my mom woke up.

It took a while for her to feel like she could move again, so she ate some snacks before she was ready to leave. On our way home we picked up some medicine and things she needed for recovery.

Then Maggie stayed with my mom while I picked the kids up from school. It was a really pretty day and the kids were so cute outside after school. I took a picture of them all playing so sweetly together on the trampoline. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because honestly, these kids are so unbelievably good. I am so lucky.

In the evening the Giles, some of our new neighbors, came over to bring my mom chocolate and tell her they were thinking of her during her surgery. They were SO nice. Sometimes I struggle in Utah County, but the people are the kindest. We were all so touched.

Also, Abe got back from his trip! He arrived close to midnight because someone accidentally took his carry-on off the plane, and so he had to track the person down at a train station to exchange luggage. It’s so great to have him back.

On Wednesday everyone woke up so sick. I was feeling awful and debated throughout the day whether to take the antibiotics the doctor gave me on Tuesday. When Abe heard how sick we all were, he felt bad for being so far away and ordered us all smoothies.

I don’t remember what we did or didn’t do this day. The kids didn’t go to school, and I think the remote control was missing so there wasn’t much television. They probably played and read all day. I have been really focused on relearning German, studying ancient Greek, listening to lectures about the Bible, and getting back into the piano, so I did those things in between being completely useless on the couch.

Abe had a really productive day in North Carolina learning about how to use partners better to sell deals. He said that the North Carolina is really social and spends a lot of time together outside of work time. He gained a new appreciation for the family friendly culture of the Provo office on this trip.

On Monday Mary and Ammon had parent teacher conferences. My favorite parts were 1) when Mary reached over to hold my hand while Mrs. Issa talked about what a good student she is and 2) Ammon’s whole conference.

Ammon’s whining has been hard lately, but talking with his teacher gave me a whole new perspective on him. She gushed about how delightful he is, how life is a musical to him (he spontaneously bursts out into song all the time), how the girls in the class love him because he is always complimenting them (and if he misses one she will demand to know if she’s beautiful too, to which he always replies that she is!), and how he proposes marriage to the girls regularly, on bent knee, with great flourish. His last proposal took three tries and finally, when he qualified “Will you marry me?” with “…when we are grown up?” she said “Yes!”.

She also said his favorite game is dress up, and he is always wearing flowing dresses, flowers in his hair, and sometimes a vest over the dress. He likes playing family with the girls. Sometimes other boys will join in to be the dad, but then they say they have to go to work and promptly leave the game. I thought that was funny (and kind of sad).

Also, Ammon loves to tell stories. Recently he recounted the Princess Bride in the first person from the perspective of Buttercup. Every time he referred to Wesley he said, clutching his hands together, “My sweet Wesley.” I about died when she told me that.

It was also fun to see Ammon racing through the halls popping his head into each teacher’s classroom and greeting them all by name. Even the teachers that aren’t his all know him and stopped their conferences to say hi to him. He is such a social child.

Then I took the kids over to Lydia’s school so I could teach art to her class. I volunteered to be the art mom when Lydia asked me to the other week. I remember loving when my mom was the art mom, and I volunteer so little because of the babies that I thought it was probably time. I was soooo nervous but it ended up being really fun and I fell in love with her whole class. They are all such delightful kids!

On Sunday we went for our first meeting at the local Community of Christ church. It was so, so wonderful. The kids all loved the art project (they were supposed to create something that symbolized what God is to them) and Lydia and Mary both met girls their ages there. Lydia especially loved her new friend and couldn’t stop talking about her afterward.

The format was so nice too. We all ate pizza and then discussed what Lent meant to us. The groups was small and very thoughtful. The majority were ex-Mormons, but there was one Presbyterian there who was completely mystified by the whole Mormon dynamic. At one point he asked us what happened with our old church (because that came up regularly during the conversation). One of the guys there was so funny. He offered to explain it to him over breakfast…and lunch, and dinner. When your whole identity is your religion and then you find out your religion betrayed you, it feels like a lot to explain.

The Community of Christ organizer was awesome, though. She tried so hard to keep the tone of the conversation productive and positive, and since she has never been LDS she feels no bitterness towards the LDS Church. It was so strange to sense the lack of animosity in her. On our youth trip to Missouri we had an entire testimony meeting about why the Community of Christ was not the true church, and I can not even count the number of times I have sat through lessons where the teacher or class disparaged other faiths. It was kind of a shock to see a church leader who had the opportunity to just totally rip apart a rival church but who instead used the moment as a peacemaking moment. It was a new experience for me. (Also I catch the irony here that I am disparaging my old faith instead of being positive and kind like the leader in the Community of Christ. Old habits die hard, I guess.)

Afterward we all went out to Menchies to celebrate this new exciting step for our family.

Friday was a good day. Lily and I were both still tired, but we made it through. Work was insanely busy for me, but it ended at 2:30 when I left to play battle ball with my team for a team activity. Battle ball was so fun and super intense. It’s like paint ball, but instead of using paint balls, you use rubber balls that can really hurt and leave welts when they hit you. I got bored sitting back in a place where I was well covered so I started getting really aggressive and running around and chasing people. The bullets really flew in both directions when I came out of hiding and ran around, but it was so much more fun that way. We all had a blast. I took a hard shot to the knuckle, but otherwise didn’t get hurt. Trace had a bunch of welts on his arms.

At home Lily and I were so tired that we fed the kids and went to sleep early. The babies got up a lot this week and Lily and I took turns going to them so that added to our fatigue also.

One of the things that Lily for which was most grateful about our trip to Bora Bora was the fact that she got to spend a lot of time thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life and she made a lot of goals. Below are a list of some of the things included in her life roadmap that she thought about:

• Doing Richard Rohr’s living school (with me!)
• Writing a memoir
• Getting a PHD in Art History
• Learning languages to prepare for her PHD
• Investing in the children and spending time with them
• Drinking deeply from the fun stage the kids are in
• Maintaining good health

Lily was still very tired and sick today and woke up late, but I stayed home a bit later than usual so she could still get her workout in. I was happy to do it, not just to be helpful to my sweetheart, but also because I was still hungry for time with the kids after being gone for so long. After getting the kids ready, I snapped some photos. I had fun with Clarissa’s hair and got a photo of her spike. I didn’t even need product to make it!

Goat Yoga is super in right now, but I wonder if the next big wave will be toddler yoga. Lily had to modify her positions because of Clarissa, but it sure was cute!

While I was a work, the kids had a dance party. Here is a video. They kept trying to pick each other up. Here is the apex of all of the picking people up, haha.

After work, we focused on more goals. Lydia made a goal with Lily to read 120 books, after which she would get a trip to Build-a-Bear. Lydia made a chart to track her progress.

Here is Lily in my favorite color on her. It brings out the yellow in her eyes and I love it!

Lydia has been baking so much lately! She really loves it. Here are some muffins she made with Lily. I haven’t had any yet, but they look wonderful!

One of the goals I made in Bora Bora was to do 100 straight days of eye exercises with Mary. I’ve gone through periods of great diligence and periods where I let it slide because it just felt like too much. But I am so committed to helping Mary have the best possible vision, so I’ve committed to one final push. If we can do 100 days in a row, we will be at the end of her therapy time (with only 2-3 times per week of maintenance afterwords). So I really want to give it a good do with her. Here is the chart Mary and I made together to track our progress. If she does it every day for 100 days, she will also get a trip to Buil-a-bear.

Me being done with Orthodox Mormonism has given me both freedom and lack of inspiration. It was much easier to be motivated every day as an Orthodox Mormon, when I felt like I had all the answers, and knew what life was about, and felt sure of a God who was protecting me, loving me, guiding me and forgiving me. I have certainly not thrown those concepts out the window, or the church and all it has to offer. But I am in a place of much more more openness, humility and learning, and therefore also, uncertainty. Some days it’s hard to feel motivated when I just wake up to a bunch of questions. One thing I have been doing lately just to help myself is to grab onto an inspirational thought our quote at the beginning of the day just to give me some light or motivation, something to hold on to to help me through the day.

This morning I read the following in my weekly scripture calendar that I built for myself, “

“Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us.” – Thomas S. Monson

My life has been profoundly impacted by the words of President Monson, and the reminder of those words that have touched me before gave me light for the day and they played a role later in the day.

In the morning we caught these cute pictures and a video of Clarissa before I went to work. One of the kids Nanny’s bought these for her while Lily and I were in Bora Bora. Both Lexi and Nicole did such an amazing job wile we were gone. I wanted to give that shout out here, because I did not give one properly before!

Here is a video link of me getting Clarissa to say, “I cool.”

Work Wednesday was again hard. I felt completely wiped out and discouraged at my health. It seemed like all my peers were so buoyant and energetic while I’m barely cobbling together an only semi-respectable work day with my broken energy and health, and that after such a magical vacation! But, it is what it is. I’ve been getting really into meditation and mindfulness lately and that practice has helped me to feel peace and focus even when I’m tempted to be angry or frustrated at challenging or unwanted circumstances.

Lily also was still tired and exhausted at home. When I got home from work, all I wanted to do was collapse, and I did. I found my way directly to the couch. Then Clarissa and Ammon (who are like two peas in a pod, seemingly always together, either palling around, playing or fighting) came to me and asked to play chase. I almost said, “no” because I was so exhausted, but then I thought of President Monson’s words, and thanks be to God, I found the strength. We played chase. I threw them on the coach. They giggled and laughed and ran and we all had a great time. Mary was at piano, but even Lydia joined in. In the end we all had a wonderful time. I.Love.My.Kids.

Tuesday was our first full day back and sadly Lily and I were both completely exhausted. That is particularly sad because when our kids (especially Mary) asked why we needed to be gone so long, we explained that the reason we were going was in large part so we could come back springy and refreshed with more energy to be great parents and play and engage with the children.

Yet here we were, flat on our backs, exhausted after our week in paradise. Lily still had a sickness lingering, I was recovering from a massive sunburn with my skin peeling like a shedding snake, and we were both tired from the overnight flight which was not great sleep for either of us (especially Lily). So, that’s a bit sad and ironic, yet I still felt lighter in my spirit, and happier than before my trip. Psychologically it was powerful and restful for me, but I didn’t expect how much Lily and I would need to physically recover after our trip. My day at work was so painful. I was so tired and Lily reported she was very tired at home also.

Speaking of Mary being sad about us leaving, she feels separation much more potently than our other children. She is our child that struggled to go to nursery without an adult (so they just called Lily to the nursery). She is our child that completely spurned Lily when she left for 2-3 days to visit Martha Stewart. And now, at age 7, she is our child that:

• Asked repeatedly before we left why we had to go
• Still mourned our leaving when we did face time with her while at Bora Bora
• Still asked why we had to go days after we got back
• Said I loved mom more than her because I left her to be with mom
• Left us these absolutely adorable and heart-melting notes for us to come back to:

I am so touched by Mary’s sweetness. Mary, I would never ever leave you for work, for vacation, for anything if that were at all practical. There is never a moment I am with you when I don’t want to be with you. I love and adore the sweetness in your heart, and your possessive love touches me so deeply because it makes me feel loved, and needed, and it only makes me feel so much more that I love you too.

While I was painfully slogging away at work (and staying late because of how backed up I was), Lily was taking care of things on the home-front.

Here is a video and some photos of Lily cuddling and being with the kids.

Also, I need to report that Clarissa has been exceptionally adorable lately. On Tuesday, she looked at Lily and said, “What’s your name?” She has been very verbal, very happy, and very very cute. There are adorable anecdotes about her just about every day, many of which I forget, but I’m so grateful that Lily captured this video to show just how cute she is right now. She has turned the pantry into her own personal pantry and she’s always trotting in there to secretly find treasures. In the video, Lily caught her and the conversation is adorable.

So good to be back! Bora Bora was so amazing, but it pales in comparison to the colors, sunshine, scenery and weather in my home. I am so so blessed.