On Monday our next door neighbor, Paula, came over to teach Ammon and the girls how to dance. Ammon had his own lesson a couple hours before the girls because of his age and also because dancing is his favorite thing. Paula was so sweet and creative with all the kids, and I feel so lucky to have such talented neighbors.
Mary has been so good about getting her piano, school work, eye exercises, and reading practice done every day. She and Ammon have been playing so well together lately so I took a video. Truth be told, literally all of the kids want to play with Mary. Ammon and Clarissa regularly break down in–often hysterical–tears when she has to stop playing with them and go complete one of her tasks. And Lydia threw a fit just last week when Mary wouldn’t or couldn’t (I can’t remember which) play with her. Basically we all love Mary.
On Sunday morning we packed up all the kids’ bikes and scooters and went to the Utah Lake path. Mary is trying to learn how to ride a bike. She tried so hard and got two big scrapes on her knees. We we’re all so proud of her, and I was proud of Abe for all of his good coaching and pep talks. I watched the other kids and every so often I’d hear him coaching her as they zipped by us. In this video of Clarissa marveling at an ant on her hand Abe walks by, and I caught just a snippet of part of his pep talk at the end.
Ammon also was great on Lydia’s two wheel scooter.Mary with her trophy knees looking discouraged. But honestly the discouraged air was also a way she emphasized her injury, which she was actually extremely proud of!
After the morning’s exertions were done, we did some errands and then visited my mom. We have to visit through a window because visitors are only allowed to visit two at a time outside, and it was also really hot outside. Here’s Mary showing Nana her knees.
On Saturday we drove to Bear Lake for the afternoon. On the way there we listened to The Great Brain which was so entertaining. It was like reading Tom Sawyer set in Utah. We felt like we were listening to a time capsule, and there were times Abe was laughing so hard I wondered if he could see where he was steering. The last time we listened to something everyone loved and laughed at so much was How to Train Your Dragon.
On the way back we finished the book and listened to Terry Tempest Williams’ newest book, Erosion: Essays of Undoing. After my book club I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to connect with the land. I wrote a list of authors who would make amazing mentors on this subject, and Terry Tempest Williams is at the top. I learn so much from her, but sometimes the outrage and sorrow her work evokes are too much for me to take in large quantities. As a dissenting Mormon who passionately loves Utah, she eviscerates the white patriarchy that dominates Utah’s politics and prostitutes Utah wilderness for profit. Utah will break your heart in a million unexpected, peculiar ways. Terry Tempest Williams captures them all.
But most of the day we spent enjoying Bear Lake and feeling grateful to live close-ish to this amazing place. It’s like the most incredible toddler pool imaginable. The shallow part of the lake extends soooooooo far out, the water is a clear, gorgeous color, and the sand is smooth and perfect for sandcastles. The Caribbean blue color of the lake is so startling against the ring of desert mountains around it. You feel like it shouldn’t exist, but since it does it feels like a special gift–an ecological nod to human children and their play.
And, though this has nothing to do with ecology, we love the chocolate raspberry shakes in the nearby store so much. Bear Lake is just fun.
After Monday’s meltdown, I was very, very easy on myself Tuesday. Abe and I had a looong talk about the purpose of life and parenting. Those talks always help me. I realized (again, sigh) that the purpose of parenting should be to help my children lead happy lives. I think a lot can go into that, but at the end of the day it isn’t too complicated either. And if I want them to be happy and kind to themselves I should probably model happiness and self-compassion myself.
Abe took Ammon and these two girls to Ammon’s game while Mary and I stayed home. Lydia was upset because it was confusing finding the right field for Ammon and she gets very stressed when she feels like things aren’t in order. This was a very difficult exchange for Abe to handle and I am so, so grateful it was him and not me. While I definitely have my own struggles with mental health, OCD is not one of them and I don’t always provide sufficient understanding when Lydia is consumed by it. Thank you, Abe, for being such a patient, good dad and understanding Lydia so well. She has such a pure, beautiful, kind heart, and I am so glad to have a partner who never loses sight of that goodness even in moments of struggle.
On Monday I had what we’ll call it the worst day in a while. I think I hadn’t quite processed all of the recent stress and on Monday I just kind of blew.
Instead of going into the ugly details of what that looked like and so memorialize my maternal deficits for the duration this blog stays up and running, I will just say that by 4:30pm I had put myself in time out in the basement with all of the alcohol we have in the house (not much, and not great. Utah is the worst for buying liquor and because I don’t drink regularly I never feel like I want to prioritize it enough to drive all the way across town for anything good).
Thank goodness for friends and family. While I was sipping away Swathi called and was so wonderful to talk to, and then Clark called and was incredibly helpful too. Oh, and in the moment of my actual mid-day meltdown Chelsea called and suggested I put Lydia in physical school again, which was brilliant and which I promptly did.
And then when I was alone feeling so terrible, all of my Thrive friends jumped on Marco Polo and gave me the best polos ever. They shared wonderfully specific examples of times when they did similar things, felt similarly, and just made me feel not so crazy, deficient and alone. And, of course, I happen to be married to my favorite conversationalist ever, so after the kids were in bed Abe talked to me for a long, long time. By the time we were done talking I felt like I could maybe make it one more day.
The day started out really sweetly with Ammon bringing me this little bird he had drawn.Ok, I guess this day has several good moments. Here Clarissa is at Ammon’s soccer practice being so cute.I did not realize you don’t have to wear uniforms to practice. Poor Ammon sweat through this one!
Last night Lily and I got to bed fairly late, but then had pillow talk until 12:45. We talked a lot about how self-efficacy leads to self-esteem, how we each struggle sometimes with insecurity and jealousy comparing ourselves to people we know, and setbacks we’ve had and the value we have found in them. Then I had trouble sleeping in part because of my diet (sometimes happens now that I don’t snack, and fast every Sunday). I started to doze around 1:00 and then I was awakened by Lydia who woke up in the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. As has been happening lately, she was crying and stressing out that she would not be able to fall asleep. I let her in our bed and tried to calm her down and talk to her to help. I was deliriously tired, and when she was still crying on and off 20 minutes later, I told her she needed to leave my bed and figure it out on her own otherwise I would not be functional the next day. I felt bad for doing that, but she left my bed, and read until she was tired enough to fall asleep again.
I was actually fairly zombie like today. All of the effort of the past weeks combined with imperfect sleep have really taken a toll. I felt extremely tired all day. Lily was tired as well, but the pace of today was perfect for how tired we were feeling. We got some things done, but mostly recovered from our exhaustion.
As has been typical lately (and for a large portion of our marriage), Lily got out of bed and started taking care of the kids while I struggled to roll my bones out of bed. By around 9:00, I had showered, meditated and joined the action to try and contribute.
Ammon immediately asked me to play, which is something he’s been wanting and it’s something I promised him so I played with him for 40 minutes or so. I hope I was fun given my fatigue.
Lily was super productive in the morning and mopped the floors which seriously needed it. I also cleaned the basement bathroom floor, which mostly needed it because our trash can shattered when I tried lifting it last week and it left spiky shards on the floor, one of which cut Lily’s foot.
After playing with the kids, I sat with Lily for a bit and then made lunch for the kids. I get a lot of joy out of making them lunches that are fun for them to eat, even if they were ridiculously easy to make.
Lydia and Mary have been two peas in a pod lately. They play together all the time, and today they matched their outfits even down to the mismatched socks!
After lunch I wrote in my Jesus journal, wrote in my Prison to Playground book and played with Clarissa.
I also donated to NAACP Defense fund for the family (Ryan Smith, Qualtrics’ CEO is matching) and read more in How to be an Anti-Racist. Then I had home church with the kids. The lesson was a reading of Genesis 1. We had a very interesting discussion about God, religion and science. Since I’m at a stage when I don’t feel I know most of the answers to things, I find it fun to engage in discussion with my bright and thinking children.
After home church, I helped clean the basement, including a lot of Lydia’s mess that she has created from her slime experiments (Mary and Lydia helped clean to). Then Lily and I tidied the main floor just in time for my parents to arrive.
While they were here, Clarissa opened some more of her presents which included an owl backpack and suitcase Lily bought. Lydia did an amazing job wrapping the big suitcase gift. Also my dad and Suzanne got her a stuffed panda and a Melissa and Doug magnet toy. That was so nice of them!
We then had Pizza and salad from Medici while watching the first ever I Love Lucy episode when Lucy and Ethel pretend to be dates for their husbands (long story) and dress up as ugly hags to get back at them for getting dates. It was hilarious!
After dinner we sang to Clarissa again and had ice cream cake.
Then we played Apples to Apples and GoFish. Lily was so sweet and took the youngest two kids around the block walking and bathed them so the rest of us could enjoy the games more. I had so much fun playing even though I was tired. Lily also got all the kids ready for bed and put them down while I finished visiting with my parents. Especially given how tired I was, I feel so grateful for all of Lily’s work tonight. She’s the best!
We had so much fun with my dad and Suzanne. When things wrapped up, I decompressed over some guitar, did the budget and blogged. Now it’s off to the races tomorrow!
Today was what I would call a recovery day. Lily and I both were somewhat productive, but we had enough down time in the day to feel like we were finally exhaling.
With Georgia being taken care of and in good hands, Lily’s attention has turned towards how to make sure our children are having the best upbringings possible. That focus propelled her to sign the kids up for various activities, including soccer for Ammon.
Lily only signed Ammon up yesterday or the day before, but already today was his first game. I was definitely not feeling ready to get out of bed to make it to his 9AM game, but again, fortunately Lily has the morning energy and she got everyone ready while I used every strand of energy just to get my own self clean and ready.
The game was so fun to watch. Ammon has never attended a practice and knows very little about soccer. But he was out there running and being with other boys his age. We are loosening up a little bit about Caronavirus (not completely for sure) now that Georgia is not living with us (because elderly people are at much higher risk for dying from Covid) and we’ve felt for a long time Ammon needs more physical activity and socialization.
Even though he didn’t know much of what he was doing (he did score one goal on the wrong goal), he walked right in the game with his typical confidence and had a great time. Here are some videos and pictures. He is number 8.
After the soccer game we all went to Utah Lake. I biked there on Wednesday on my new road bike (after 30 minutes of figuring out how to get my shoes and clip-in pedals to work) and I wanted to show the lake to my family since none of them had been to the shore of Utah Lake before (nor I before my bike ride). By the way, I LOVE my new bike and can tell that I will quickly become obsessed with road biking.
After the lake, we got Mary a new laptop and cute flower mouse for her online schoolwork. We then went to Jimmy John’s which is funny because all the kid’s jerseys had the Jimmy John’s logo on them, and that made us want to eat there for lunch. My tuna sandwich was amazing!
Then we went and visited Georgia and Jan who met us there. It used to be that we could have met Georgia outside in-person, but a staff member was just diagnosed with Covid, so they have now made the rules more strict and we could only talk to Georgia through her window. She was not feeling well, and was reclined in her chair speaking very softly, and there was a big AC unit next the window, and the sun was hitting the screen making it very hard for us to see or hear her. It was not a very effective way to meet, unfortunately, so we kept it very brief, but that may have been for the best since Georgia was very tired and also not up for visiting very much. We sure love her and look forward to when we can have a more intimate way to visit with her. Lydia in her night prayer tonight said that she missed Georgia.
Then Lily visited with Jan a bit. Jan has been so sweet and supportive through this process, and I completely forgot to mention her daughter Chelsea who has been a complete angel to us. Chelsea has visited at least twice, brought us over lunch, sat with Georgia while she was over, bought her new garments, has given us good input (given her medical background), and has just cheered us up with her bright spirit.
Another person I forgot to mention in all this is Olivia. She is a nurse and she gave me a lot of great consultation about home-care solutions given she has worked in the home care industry. I’ve been so touched by all the support we’ve received at this time.
After visiting with Jan, we went to Starbucks for Lily and then Trader Joe’s. I got a kick out of this sign at Starbuck’s:
I felt my energy improving while Lily was getting very tired so I shopped at Trader Joe’s. While we were running errand I listened to “Come to my Window” by Melissa Ethridge because it reminded me of visiting Georgia through her window. I then got on a Tracy Chapman kick and read about her and purchased “fast car” and her new album “our bright future.” I’m excited to explore her more as everything I’ve heard and learned so far makes me really happy.
At home Lily and I were both wiped out. We put away groceries and then just crashed and rested for about an hour or so. Ammon and Clarissa played together, and Clarissa watched some TV (maybe Ammon did too).
Lydia and Mary played monopoly together:
After I rested, I got to work blogging, and given we were almost two weeks behind and there have been many events, it is now 10:47PM when I am about to wrap up. Lily fed the kids, cleaned and vacuumed and shopped. I’m feeling very in love with Lily and grateful for all she does and all the happiness she gives me. Now that I’m finally finished, we are going to go on a walk together and then I will work on the budget.
Today I told Lily I would need to work late in order to catch up on all that had accumulated at work while I was out. Fortunately, I didn’t get hit with too much so I was grateful that one day of working late would get me back to a good spot. My boss and my team really stepped up and handled things well while I was out, so that really helped.
After a couple meetings in the morning, we had a team lunch at Bok Bok. During the team lunch, we had a very engaging dialogue about racial issues. We had a diversity of opinions, but it felt refreshing to all of us to have a safe space to share, explore and listen. Qualtrics is 100% all-in on anti-racism, and it has caused some conservatives on my team to feel culturally unsafe in their political views. They believe in racial equality, but have some different ideas about how to approach the problem of racial injustice. I was grateful to share my feelings about the need for affirmative action and the need to make reparations for past wrongs that have caused current inequalities, as well as my belief that individuals and policy makers are missing a huge opportunity if we don’t take this national moment seriously to learn and make changes. Next year at this time, there may be a new national topic, and the opportunity will not be as present to really focus on this important topic and make lasting change. I received positive feedback after the lunch. It seems like it is getting harder and harder, even at Qualtrics, for people to feel like there is a safe space for dialogue. Being overly forceful about anti-racism can shut down thoughtful conservatives and make them defensive, frustrated and angry causing further division, and yet, there does seem to be a need to take an ultra firm stance among those committed to anti-racism. It is important tension to explore and one that has been on my mind for a while.
I worked more and then talked Lily for a while about the lunch I had. What ensued was one of my favorite conversations I’ve had all year. So many times I feel like Lily is my teacher. Lily gave me some food for thought on why Qualtrics’ forceful stance might be appropriate even though it might cause conservatives to be feel left out or alienated. Two of her main points were that white conservatives typically have the voice in our society. Now is a moment for white conservatives to pass the microphone and listen. That is what this moment is about. Second, she brought up the fact that to white conservatives, discussing racism is usually very abstract and ideological. But to a Black person right now, the topic is personal, visceral, traumatic, and painful. Whites feeling the need to express themselves right now (often to protect their own feelings about themselves) can re-traumatize Black people who are already wounded from personal experiences of racism, recent publicized atrocities that hit very close to home for them, and white insensitivity. Now is a time for sensitivity and listening all-around, but especially for whites towards blacks.
I loved Lily’s points and I also drafted an email to our head of HR to help get more coaching on the topic. This is new terrain for me. I want to be fully anti racist and I also want to have a process about it that invites discourse and feels loving and inclusive towards people of all views. I’m not sure if that is fully possible, but I’m excited to learn more on the topic.
I worked until 12:30 getting all caught up at work.
Georgia still seems to be liking her new place fine. She still struggles with episodes and exhaustion, but she is well taken care of.
With Georgia now in the full time care of Legacy Village, Lily and I are now thrown back into the rat race. I started work today and Lily was thrown back into the routine with the kids. Both of us were extremely tired, but we felt like things were getting back to normal and we both felt functional and productive. Fortunately, I had two long webinars at work that helped break up the exertion of pipeline reviews. One of the webinars was a live interview of Ibram Kendi, which Lily and I both watched and loved. My favorite thing he said was that America has never really atoned yet for what we committed with slavery.
After work, we all went swimming, which again was refreshing and wonderful.
Here are two cute pictures of Mary. She loves sleeping in Georgia’s old bed now.
Georgia seems to be doing well in her new care center. She is not feeling great, but she sent us encouraging and upbeat messages about her new place. We are all feeling very good about it.
