Author: Abe Darais

I’m happy to report that the long flight from L.A. to Tahiti was much smoother of a ride and Lily didn’t even get sick. Once arriving in Tahiti, we quickly transferred to another equally smooth flight on which Lily did not get sick. Yay!

We arrived in Bora Bora around 8:30 AM Bora Bora time (3 hours behind Utah). I have to say that everything from top to bottom was magical upon arrival.

The airport is on an island, so we took a five minute boat ride to the resort. Once arriving at the resort, Lily changed into her swimwear and we lounged by the pool until our room was ready. This is a view near the reception desk and the pool where we lounged.

Once our room was ready, we showered and then grabbed some lunch. Below is our view from our lunch spot. That mountain in the background is the island of Bora Bora where the locals live (about 1,000 people). Many of them work at the Le Meridian resort and take a boat to and from work every day. There is almost always a cloud dancing on our around that mountain. You will also notice the unbelievable color of greenish light-blue that the water is here. More of those pictures to come!

Lily absolutely loved her fish and kept talking about it.

I also absolutely loved my Nicoise salad with fresh tuna in it.

After lunch we spent time at a beautiful platform in the water. Lily had a theory that she could use the sun’s rays to burn out her sinus infection. We think it worked, and she also got a ton of sun. Luckily her burn turns to tan quite quickly. I stayed fairly covered and didn’t burn much and enjoyed lounging in such a beautiful environment.

All in all the whole first day felt so magical. Lily and I have never been anywhere so beautiful or so remote. Everywhere we look is an explosion of beauty and serenity. We agreed at the end of the day that if we had to fly home even just after then ten hours of being in Bora Bora, all the travel would have been worth it. We felt so thrilled and delighted that we had seven days to look forward to ahead of us.

I then went to exercise to get out my tension after all the sitting in planes and Lily relaxed back at the place. It was a glorious start to a much needed vacation, and I felt and continue to feel so grateful to come and heal from my stresses in this way with my favorite person.

I planned on taking the kids to church, but Lily preferred we all stay home and be together as a family before leaving on our trip to Bora Bora. That sounded good, so I agreed, and as it turned out, we needed every second to finish packing, clean the house, and all be together for only last time before the trip.

Lexi, our Nanny who we found on Care.com, arrived at 1:00 and we said our final goodbyes by 1:30. Since the day before, I had been trying to help Clarissa process what was happening by saying things like, “Clarissa, we are going to go away. And then we will come back.” It has been my hope that this trip will not be hard or traumatic on her!

Lily and I then drove to Salt Lake to my dad and Suzanne’s house so they could take us to the airport and let us park our car at their place. We were surprised to learn that my dad was not able to drive us to the airport with Suzanne because of some urinary tract infection issues he was having that put him in the hospital. He was in so much pain that he had an ambulance come pick him up. The infection was caused in part by his previous surgeries this year. We were happy to learn that he was doing better in the hospital and would be released shortly.

Suzanne drove us and we had a great time talking with her. We talked about a lot of things, including politics, which is an area we all agree on quite well. Suzanne is a lovely lovely soul and it is always nice spending time with her.

Once at the airport, Lily and I started our near 24 hours of travel. We first flew to L.A. and the flight was bumpy and Lily got very sick. On the flight, I watched Ad Astra the movie, and loved it. The movie is about a crazy scientist who devotes his life to finding extra-terrestrial life, and when he doesn’t, he goes crazy, but his son is able to love him anyway and walk away with the conclusion that our relationships on earth are all we have and all there is that matters, and so he goes back to earth and throws himself into the relationships that matter to him.

We had a five hour or so layover in L.A. I think it was during that time that I finished my book, Never Split the Difference. Lily was reading her memoir book about a woman who found herself in witchcraft (the positive love-based kind). Here is are some brief thoughts on Never Split the Difference:

Never Split the Difference is one of the best business books I have ever read. The logic in it is not always complete, but that is because the book is almost completely derived from the author’s emotional intelligence which he often finds hard to articulate. But the wisdom and power in that book are profound. His entire premise is that negotiating is not a rational exercise between two actors that could be modeled by economic preference functions. He negotiated with Terrorists and to highlight his point in an extreme way, he said, “if you think negotiation is a rational process, try negotiating with someone who thinks he is the savior of the world.” His point is that all negotiations and non-rational and that people will succeed most in them as they approach them emotionally first. For example, he stresses using a playful disarming voice, using your smooth night DJ voice when you need to be assertive, and say things with a down accent when you communicate a non-negotiable. His biggest tactic, the one he wants to be his biggest takeaway, is mirroring. When someone says something to you, you reflect it back to that person, and wait in silence. That discomfort of silence will almost force the person to elaborate and expand on what they said, which in a best case scenario will reveal a black swan (or underlying reason or motive for the persons behavior that can help you understand that person and move forward in the best way in the negotiation). For example someone could say, “That price is way too high, I just don’t have the money.” Simply take the last few words of the phrase and repeat back, “You don’t have the money?”. Then pause silently. Eventually the person will start elaborating. “Yeah, I don’t. I’m in debt, and I really need that car, but it’s just not a price I can pay. Maybe if there were financing, or creative payment terms, I could find a way, but I can’t pay that much cash up-front. I have a big check on the way, so if full-payment could be delayed three months, I could maybe even do that, but that is the exact car I’ve been looking for, and I just wrecked my other one, so I need to buy that one, but that price won’t work for me.” etc etc. The practice of mirroring is a practical implementation of a larger concept of the book which is that the best negotiators listen, empathize, and don’t judge. They get in the shoes of the other person. They have no ego. They do accusation audits, “You are probably thinking I’m just trying to take as much money from you as possible.” When you call yourself out for something, it disarms the other person. At the end of the book, he makes the case that these tactics only mean anything if you are a good and honest person. Using them to manipulate or hurt or exploit someone just makes you a bad person. I had an experience in which I used the tactics in this book to negotiate my way of a no-show fee for Mary’s eye doctor, but I realized after the fact that that group probably doesn’t make a lot of money, the doctor is a wizard who is saving my child’s eyesite and that the no-show fee is to help cover the expense of having staff there ready to do Mary’s therapy even if Mary no-shows. I felt bad, and realized that these principles are most powerful when used for good purposes, not just self-serving ones. The Author was using these tactics to save people from kidnappers and terrorists, so his scenario was pretty straight forward. In the end it was a brilliant and unbelievably good book.

We caught our L.A. flight around 12:00 AM. This was roughly an 8-hour flight to Tahiti. I did sleep on the plane, but the sleep was a bit rough and hard on my back. Lily didn’t sleep very much. We landed around 6:00 AM in Tahiti.

Lily and I decided that we would dedicate Saturday to spending time with the children before taking our 8-day trip to Bora Bora. There were moments of accomplishing that vision, but by and large, Lily and I were both so exhausted (and using the little energy we had to get ready for our trip), that it turned mostly into a “kids run free” day. Lily and I both share the hope that we will return very refreshed from our trip so we can fulfill this vision of investing in our children and spending the time with them that our hearts desire.

For Lydia, a “kids run free” day basically meant “bake day” for her. She has been such a little baker lately. I don’t remember exactly all the things that she made Saturday (she made 3 or 4 things I think), but in recent history she has made waffles, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, muffins, and pudding. Lily did most of the muffins, but aside from that, Lydia made most everything else largely on her own. She LOVES baking and she asks to do it a lot. Lily and I always get slightly hesitant because of the mess we fear will be created (and often is), but Lydia, to her credit, often does a lot of clean-up, and even if it’s not perfect, the effort is enough for us to feel good about her continued baking.

I also just want to mention how in-love Lily and I have been with our kids lately. Lydia has been particularly delightful lately. She’ll help with the kids, do her dishes, help us when we ask and just generally be delightful. Mary too is this way, and will help take care of Clarissa, clean her room and just be a little angel. We couldn’t be more pleased with how our two oldest are turning out! Sometimes my heart just melts with Mary’s shy cuteness and the adorable innocent things she says and the love in her heart. Both of these girls light my life, and I’m already excited to see them again (I’m writing this from Bora Bora). The babies of course, are, in my view, the cutest bundles of joy in existence. Their smiles, hugs, laughs and even mischief fill me with mirth. I hope in 4 years to also be writing about what good “older kid” behavior they are demonstrating 🙂

Here is a picture of the pudding Lydia made on Saturday. I loved it!

On Friday, I was extremely busy at work trying to get as much as possible wrapped up before leaving to Bora Bora with Lily. I came home quite wiped out from the push, but I got things in a good spot at work, so I was happy about that.

At home, Lily took this picture of Lydia because Lydia looked so sweet and was being very sweet. We love her!

Thursday at work was busy I am sure. I don’t remember much as I’m not writing this almost a week later.

At home Lily, Clarissa and Ammon had a playdate with the Vandagriff’s. Clarissa and Vika got along so well!

At home Ammon and Clarissa found some month-old left-over dairy queen and enjoyed eating it (Ammon fed Clarissa) and dancing to Hamilton. It was a very cute moment that Lily captured. (Here’s a video) At 1:25, Clarissa tells Ammon she loves him (after he gives her a spoonful of ice cream) and then Ammon tries to kiss her, but she has already left the scene.

Today I woke up early to go running. I’ve definitely had some winter blues, and running was so wonderful for my health and state of mind.

When I came home, I relaxed with Lily a bit, and then we both got up to find that the girls had made a “tea party” breakfast consisting mainly of banana with Nutella. It was so sweet, they had set up all of their stuffed animals all around the table. Clarissa sat on my lap, ate all the Nutella from my banana and smeared Nutella on my new sweater, but I loved every second of it (even eating the mushy banana remains she left me). At the table, Lily and I took the opportunity to teach about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I shared my thoughts about how amazing his example was for non-violent influence, and for preaching unity between African American and white people. I then read the Wikipedia article on Martin Luther King Jr., and we listened to the “I Have a Dream” speech (which blew my mind) and then Lily shared additional thoughts about the complexity and history of relations between African Americans and white people in America. I.LOVE.FAMILY.CHATS.

Then Lily and I made contact with my old real estate agent in Chicago to help us sell our condo.

Then Lily read and rested a lot, which is great because she is fighting sinus infection, I spent time looking into a 5K run in Moab, working on the finances, making a plan for getting our condo fixed, and playing some basketball. I also took my share of rest 🙂

The rest of the day was so fun and cozy. Ammon wanted soooo much attention and to a large degree, I gave it to him, and it felt so so good. I threw him on the couch, worked on a puzzle with him, walked around with him on my shoulders, and more. While playing with him, I remembered all the time when he was a baby, and I was so tired and rested on the floor instead of playing with him. I sincerely hope, my life will open up just a little, and that I can spend more dedicated time with him. Between being a pod-lead, team lead 1, and team lead 2, I have been a player coach for most if not all of Ammon’s life.

At 5:00 Mary had her eye exercises appointment and then we had a special daddy daughter dinner date at Chubby’s as a reward for her doing 10/12 days of her eye exercise training. We tried to talk Mary into another night so we could have a family dinner tonight commemorating Dr. Martin Luther King Junior, but she really cared that I follow through on the day I said I would, so we made it happen.

In honesty, I’ve been struggling a lot emotionally, and I was sad that I was feeling particularly blue on my date with Mary. But God handed us a little miracle. Mary fell asleep on the way to Chubby’s, and while she rested, I called Lily to vent all of my sorrows (mostly revolving around the powerful doubts in my mind about the afterlife, the existence of God and if life has meaning). In times like that, Lily is the only thing that can give me a spark of light, and life, and love, and venting to her was what I needed to keep going. I slapped a grin on my face, woke Mary up and had a wonderful time with her.

She was very shy, and didn’t talk much. I asked her lots of questions, including the question, “am I asking too many questions?” She said that I was, so I backed off. With Mary, she likes things to be really easy and low key. Long silences can pass, and she’s happy with that. She just likes to be in each other’s presence. Honestly, it’s so sweet and low-pressure, and easy. I love it to.

Lily was working hard at that homefront while I had this sweet experience with Mary. Thank you Lily!

I pushed myself way too hard yesterday, and I woke up feeling completely gutted emotionally, and mentally.  Things have been particularly hard with my faith as well. Never in my life have I felt more angst, strain, and discouragement around my participation in my church and my faith in God and belief in the afterlife.  I think it was just me not feeling well combining with the unraveling of my faith (a necessary step before rebuilding), but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, it was a TOUGH day.

Thank goodness it was Saturday. I was able to throw myself into organizing the garage. It’s like a giant game of tetris and I’m obsessed with organizing and it always makes me happy. I was also able to be around Lily, Georgia and the children which is so nourishing to me.

Lily and I both had our hearts melted when we saw the below note from Mary left for Lily in the bathroom:

Also Lydia wrote a play that we all acted out about two friends who persisted in their friendship despite one of the children’s parents initially disagreeing with the friendship.

Then we watched the newest Maleficent, and cleaned. The movie was outstanding.

After 6:00, Lexi came over. She is the nanny we are going to hire to watch our kids during Bora Bora, and she came over to do a trial run.

Lily and I took the opportunity to have a date night with Steve and Blair at one of our favorite restaurants, Good Move Cafe. We played Coup, one of our go-to games. I was not feeling well at all, actually depressed from fatigue, stress, and spiritual questions and doubts. I went to the restroom to try to pull myself together to enjoy the evening. And enjoy the evening I did. By the end, I was feeling much better. Steve and Blair were so fun to talk to, and Lily was very sweet to me on the ride home saying how much she loves me. I was not as expressive due to my state of my, but man I hope that woman knows that she is my world and my song 🙂

We came back a perfectly clean home and a good report from Lexi. I’m feeling very good about her watching the kids while we are in Bora Bora.

Today was a very intense day at work.  As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, we had massive account shifts across the sales organization and it was very difficult on a lot of my reps. I was very busy (and tired) yesterday and didn’t engage much with what my team was going through with account changes, so today, I wanted to make sure I showed up and was involved and invested. I met with each of my seven reps, heard them vent, and also heard specific issues that I needed to escalate.  At the end of the day, I packaged everything into an e-mail that sent to my manager. It was an incredibly intense day, especially given the fact that I don’t quite feel 100% yet as it is, but I felt happy about the good work that was done.

At home I took Mary to her piano lesson (with Ammon to make it easier for Lily to cook), and came home to an all-out Harry Potter feast.

Half-way through the day, Lily got the idea to do an all-out Harry Potter feast, and she frantically started cooking. When our guests, the Marshall’s, arrived around 6:40, they jumped in to help finish preparations. It was amazing what dishes Lily was preparing. Lamb, roasted chicken, acorn squash, coli-flower with Indian seasoning, and pumpkin pasteys. Everything was soooooo good. The kids played Harry Potter movies leading up to the meal, and Eli was over for everything as well and even helped in the kitchen, as did the other kids (here is a video of Ammon helping). Eli was adorable in the kitchen. When Chelsea arrived and asked me what she could do, I wasn’t quite sure, but Eli chimed right in and told her what to do, and even told her she was a fast learner. I was busy making butter beer. It was intense. Imagine adding tons of butter, brown sugar, and cream to cream soda….wow, it was like a buttery sugar shot to the veins, but it was quite yummy. Everything was so delicious. Lily did such an amazing job. The roast chicken was my favorite.

It was so fun talking to the Marshall’s. They are such wonderful, warm and delightful friends, and their kids play so well with ours.

The dinner also meant a lot to me spiritually. Before dating Lily, I had a dream about her hosting friends and family to fabulous home-cooked meal, and making everyone feel happy, warm, and welcome with food and laughter. That dream gave me a peak into what my future would be like with Lily, and I was taken aback to reflect on that dream as I was living it out in real time with her. Lily is such a beautiful, welcoming, creative and fun soul. We all had such a great time. Thank you sweetie!! Here are pictures!

(Mary attended a birthday party during the day)

 

(Ammon, who seems to be accident prone, is the only one who had his butter beer spontaneously combust)

Today was a good day. I felt good.

The main happening for me at work today is we had annual account shifts happened, and they were particularly severe this year due to aligning with SAP and specific industry verticals. Basically everyone on the sales floor was upset today. It’s difficult for the reps in a growing company, because it often means territories shrink to provide territories for new reps to be hired.

I cleared my entire backlog at work today, so I am finally in position to really be in a rhythm. I’m very excited about that.

Lily met up with her friend Sarah again today and they and the kids all had a wonderful time together. Ammon really likes her son Lennon.

When I got home, we all had Taco night (improvised with tortilla chips since our taco shells were expired), and then Lily, Georgia and the girls went to see the new Little Women movie. Lily said it was her favorite one ever made and she can’t wait to see it with me. She cried a lot during it.

At home, I cleaned up, watch movies with the babies (Frozen and the new 2019 Dumbo) and fixed our speakers so the subwoofer works now. I tested the sound system with a quick dance party with the kids. It mostly involves throwing, swinging, and flipping Ammon onto the couch over and over again. He’s a great size for that. Clarrisa gets scared if I do too much of that, so she just hops around mostly and is entertained by Ammon’s acrobatics.

Then I spent some times in my values worksheet, planned my day, called my dad, did Mary’s eye exercises and now its time to rest.

Yay!

Here is a picture of Mary doing her eye exercises. She set up her stuffed animals next to her to keep her company during her eye exercises. It’s so sweet that she finds ways to make the work more fun (spoonfull of sugar). She has so much work with school (which has a ton of homework), music, eye therapy etc. I’m glad she finds ways to still find joy in the grind…sweet thing 🙂

 

Today Lydia excitedly kept begging to listen to “High Times Hard Times” from the Newsies movie tonight. We have been so into that movie lately and listening and dancing to the sound track a lot. Then something happened that hurt her feelings and she started to cry. Then we snuggled and then she started feeling better. Later in the evening she melted down because she lost a book she needed for a reading competition. Then I found it in the garage boxes and she was very happy about that. Both the song, and Lydia’s personal representation of the point of the song represent yet another layer, which is a fair narrative of our lives currently.

There is so much good and so much that is difficult all happening at the exact same time. We are in our dream home. I got a promotion. Anxiety is very high. Life is intense and we are now dealing with finishing the basement, selling our condo, and renting our old house. Days feel compressed and ever corner feels like it has another issue to address. Two nights ago I had 1.5 hours of sleep because my mind wouldn’t relax. I’m wrestling mightily with my faith, and struggling at times to feel like God is truly there. Yet we are experiencing beautiful moments with friends and family, and learning so much now that we are willing to venture beyond mormon orthodoxy for our world view. Yes, it’s high times and hard times all wrapped into one. Now for the blow by blow:

This morning I woke up early and had a Nordic Track bike workout while Lily took Lydia to her 6:30 AM harp lesson. I’m amazed at both of them for doing that. I baaaarely got out of bed for my bike workout and frankly may not have if Lily hadn’t asked me to get up and help get Lydia ready for the harp lesson. That was a major help!

I LOVED my workout. I felt quite good at work today and I know the workout was a part of that. I do walk around in a perpetual fog of existential crisis. Worries about the existence of God, my promotion interview (aftermath of the panic attack), the afterlife, sexuality (Lily read a book last week that gave us things to think about), my own values, morality, what it all means, the purpose of life, what I want to be etc etc etc. But, on the whole, I was able to pull myself together and felt pretty decent and performed well at work.

I finally feel like I’m getting back in somewhat of a rhythm of life, and my anxiety is improving, which is a MAJOR improvement from previous weeks. Thank you God 🙂

While I was at work, Lily listed our old home on a website to try to rent it out, and she also met with a nanny applicant who will watch our kids while we are in Bora Bora.  I am so amazed at all Lily accomplished today. Thank you for being such a heavy hitter! The interview went super well, and I assume we will hire her.

At the end of my work day, I visited my therapist. I haven’t seen her for a month due to scheduling, and as you can imaging with all of the things swirling in my head that I previously mentioned, I just spewed everything swirling inside of me for over an hour, with occasional pauses to listen to what Mary Lou had to say. I had so much to get out, and she is such a great therapist. Today I told her I loved her, because I do. She has played an instrumental role in my life.

When I got home, I took over the home routine because Lily was going to observe a law class that her friend Sarah was teaching. I hope she had fun! She deserved it after all her great work trying to rent the house today. She also had dinner all prepared, so my job was relatively easy.

I had fun being home with the kids. We had spring rolls with fun toppings to put inside, including Jack Fruit (which I am obsessed with and it was unbelievable earlier in the week when Lily made it to mimic bbq chicken in a sandwich).

Then I cleaned, danced with the babies, did Mary’s eye exercises and now I’m resting. All in all, a good day 🙂