Author: Abe Darais

We wanted to do a day trip to Wyoming to see a reenactment for Labor, but I had a ton of work work that I spent the first half of the day working on. Instead, after my work, we all went to the Scera pool and had a wonderful time as a family. We almost finished off our punch pass.

At 5:15 in the morning Lily woke up with a ton of energy. I, on the other hand, was exhausted out of my mind. Since Lily has had her horrible foot problems, I have been doing the night work for Clarissa, and on the trip her sleep training went out the window, so she usually had one night waking. I really wanted to keep sleeping.

But, Lily was awake and ready for the day. I grumbled, but having woken up, I couldn’t really get back to sleep anyway.

Then, I caught Lily’s vision. We were up early enough that we could drive home in a single day and have a whole day at home on Thursday before I had to go back to work and before Lily had to go back into her normal grind. Once the fog of sleepiness left my mind, I was completely on board, and super grateful Lily had woken up so early.

We packed, got ready, and loaded the kids in about two hours and we hit the road a little after 8:00.  I loved that little cottage that we stayed in. It was so charming. Here is a picture of the kid’s beds:

Lily drove the first leg and we stopped through Portland so she could buy some more books at Powell’s books, which is the most amazing bookstore on the planet. Lily said she almost cried when she saw the religion section because of all the books on faith crisis and faith transition. She is so happy and at home at Powell’s. Her heart was pounding the whole time. I wish she could have had a whole week there.

After Lily’s turn driving, I took over around noon.  I enjoy driving, and I especially enjoyed driving through Idaho, because it reminded me of Guardsmark and I always enjoy a trip down memory lane.

Clarissa was so cute in the car. She loves Baby Beluga by Gerry Raferti, and when she wants to listen to it, she says, “Baby Ga.” I’ve been reflecting on how much I love having a baby in the family, even though it is so hard some times. She is so adorable, and I can’t imagine what it will be like to not have all these cute baby things happening when she gets older because we are not planning on having more children.

On the way home, Lily and I talked a lot. I love connecting with her so much. We talked about religion and faith, a topic on both of our hearts recently. Also, Lily read me passages from Marilyn Robinson’s The Givenness of Things. I love it when she reads to me and shares her wonderful ideas with me. Being married to her is so heart and mind expanding.

I was really in the zone with driving. We skipped lunch because I wanted to keep things going. We had dinner in Boise, and then I powered all the way home. Lily helped keep me awake with good conversation and letting me listen to Gerry Raferti, who I’m sure she’s very tired of listening to by now.

We pulled in around 1AM and Georgia had waited up to greet us. I was tired out of my mind, as I’m sure Lily was to, and we were so grateful to hit the sack. All in all we had about 12.5 hours of driving and 1.5 hours of stopping

Today was our designated beach day that Lydia had been begging for over and over and over. She insisted that she wanted tons of beach time and to be there the entire day.

We started the day with breakfast at a lovely restaurant called the Osprey Cafe.

When Clarissa got fussy, I took her to the Sea Side beach two blocks away and snapped this photo:

Afterwards we stopped back at the place and then did some shopping. Then we went on a very long drive with the sole purpose of letting Clarissa get her beauty sleep in so she could be fresh for all of the time at the beach.

We drove all the way from Sea Side to Tillamook. Lydia and I went in to check out their new visitor’s center which is huge and amazing. Here are some pictures below:

Clarissa slept so long that Lily started to get nervous we would not have the beach time that Lydia wanted so badly, but finally Clarissa did wake up. We went to our first beach in Manzanita.  For lunch we delicious fish and chips (from Big Wave Cafe) on the beach. Lily said they were the best she’s ever had.

Manzanita beach was beautiful and we got to fly all the kites we bought the day before. Just like the man at the kite shop predicted for today, the wind was perfect for kite flying. I especially loved the tails an Lydia and Mary’s kites. It was very fun to fly kites with them.

After playing at the beach for a while it started to rain, so we headed North to another beach. We pulled into a beach (I forgot the name), and were contemplating staying, but Lily happened to bump into a ranger on her way back from the background and he emphatically told her to visit Ecola State Park and that Indian Beach in Ecola State Park was the most beautiful beach in the world. This was such a tender mercy from God for us to get this tip, and great scouting by Lily! We of course headed straight to Ecola State Park.

Our jaws were dropping even before we got the the beach. There was a 4 mile or so ride through the state park to get to Indian Beach and the scenery was unbelievable. There were beautiful mossy trees towering over head, with ferns covering the ground. Below are some pictures that attempt to capture the beauty.

At Ecola Beach the kids played more and Lily took a bunch of photos.  I built an awesome sandcastle with the kids the was on the edge of a small ocean inlet and had a log bridge leading to its entrance.  We then all looked at tide pools.  There were tons of creatures that Ammon loved poking. I also saw a sizable sand crab. Then we all stood in the ocean and let the incoming tide waves splash us. Clarissa was beside herself with glee until she got too wet from a big wave and then she was not happy.

After that, we spent some time at the overlook. Lily and I both gazed out for a solid five minutes just taking in the view. Lily loved the expansiveness and purity of the view on the right. I loved the motion and features of the view on the left. I loved it so much. We were riveted for 5 minutes straight.

With everyone wet, we headed home, getting pizza and candy (from Phillip’s candies) on the way. The sea foam from the candy store was amazing. They made it themselves.

After carefully cleaning everyone and dealing with sandy clothes (our air BNB host was super particular about not getting sand anywhere in the house, tub, washing machine or hot-tub), we got everyone to bed and got some rest.

What a great day!

In the morning we got everyone ready and went over to Pig ‘n Pancake for breakfast.

After breakfast, we headed over to the Seaside carousel. I had read that one of the first things Seaside did to attract tourists back in the day was install a carousel and an arcade. That was really smart because there’s a lot of rain on the Oregon Coast!

After the carousel we did laser tag. We had the whole room to ourselves, which was great. Ammon, who was too little for a vest, ran around tackling Abe. Clarissa was terrified and needed me to hold her most of the time.

Abe and the girls came up with funny names for their laser-tag personas. Abe was “Toeface,” Lydia was “Something,” and Mary was “Deadflower.” Deadflower is very competitive and won both games. Later when we were remembering laser tag, Mary said nostalgically, “Remember when I won laser tag BOTH times!” …and smiled widely at such a happy thought.

Afterwards we went to the arcade. Of course, at one point we lost Ammon. Abe had gone to tell him we were done, and Ammon ran out of the mall while Abe walked to the entrance of the arcade in the other aisle. We ran around the mall frantically looking for Ammon until some sweet Grandma entered from the street holding his hand. Ammon was sobbing about how his daddy ran away from him and lost him. The grandma was saying soothingly, “It’s okay, honey, we’ll find your family.” Sigh. This is how life with three-year-old Ammon goes. We honestly don’t need arcades or laser tags in our lives–just keeping him alive is an emotional roller coaster!

After the arcade we went home for a potty break and then I popped into the nearby outlet to get Clarissa some clothes and shoes. She has one pair of shoes that fit and we were in constant danger of losing one or both the whole trip long. Having another pair just gave me peace of mind. (And while I was there I bought her a dress because none of those fit either. She’s just growing so fast!)

After that we rented a pram bike and biked along the coast. Oh my gosh, it was so fun! I was worried that Clarissa would announce she was “done” and spend the whole ride trying to climb out, but she actually stayed put until the last ten minutes of the ride. Abe and I both held her down to keep her safe, and we all got back in one piece.

On our bike ride, we stopped at Lewis and Clark’s salt works. This is where they sent a party to make salt to preserve fish and meat for the winter.

After the bike ride we were all hungry since we had skipped lunch. We went to Nonni’s Italian restaurant for dinner. Abe and I took turns chasing Clarissa down the street while the other ate.

Then we walked down to the beach and got some Tillamook ice cream en route. I learned that I should never waste calories on flavors that aren’t chocolate, caramel, or lemon.

Afterward we let the kids play at the beach until bed time. It was a perfect day.

Today was an amazing day, maybe my favorite of all the days. Because it was supposed to be super cold in Bryce, we called an audible and decided to explore Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument. We made two stops.

 

 

Friday morning we woke up and headed to Snow Canyon. To get to Snow Canyon, you just take exit 8 in St. George and go about 15 minutes Northwest. I’ve always made a bit of an assumption that national parks are inherently better or more dramatic than state parks. Today snow canyon completely changed that assumption.

We started off with a hike up Jenny Canyon.  Below are the pictures:

Apparently I forgot to take a picture of the central feature of the entire hike which is a narrow passageway between giant cliff walls on each side so I pulled this picture of it off the internet (we did no have the dramatic lighting).

After Jenny’s Canyon we did the lava flow trail. On this trail we saw multiple lava tubes. A lava tube is a hollow part of the earth (ie cave) surrounded by lava rocks where molten lava used to flow.  We also hiked up a very fun lookout peak.  On the way back Mary was tired and whining, but I tried to cheer her up by telling pretend stories of what we saw on the hike like an In-and-Out burger that was run by Mojave Desert Tortoises (that this park was created to help protect in the 1950’s.) Pictures below:

After Jenny’s Canyon and the lava flow trail, we ate at Tiffany’s Crepere in St. George. We took turns monitoring Ammon in the car as he slept through lunch :). Here are some pictures and a video of me and Clarissa hanging out outside while we monitored Ammon:

After lunch we went to Red Cliffs National Recreation Area. We did the Red Reef Trail, and we were blown away both by the trail scenery, and the beautiful campsite that the trail starts from. Below are pictures!

Also, here are some videos from the day:

Hanging out with Clarissa at lunch.

Soren and Mary crossing the bridge

Ammon saying, “I’m all wet” (totally staged)

Clarissa being too tired to even be excited about water.

Yesterday was very intense with three hikes, so we decided to take it easier today. I went to be early last night, but didn’t sleep the whole time because Clarissa was wide awake until 10:00 rearranging the room and babbling to herself (it was adorable). I still got quite a bit of rest and woke up naturally at 6:30. After resting a bit more, I blogged the two previous days.

Then we all left to Red Cliff National Conservation Area.  The hiking was fun, although this area was more for lunching and hanging out than for going on a dedicated hike from what I could tell because it was still quite in town at St. George (off exit 8, and just 5 minutes away).

Red rock quenches a thirst in me. I don’t know how to explain it, but being immersed in it satisfies a thirst I didn’t even realize I had. I was so fun to be immersed in it again.  The hiking was nice and afterwords right in the same park, we found ourselves at the conservation garden, and that was my favorite thing of the the entire day. First of all, because I got to learn the names of things that we actually had been seeing on our hikes, but second of all because it was so well presented, and beautiful. The plants were so pretty, and even thought it ended in a meltdown by Clarissa, it was soooo worth the visit. Pictures below:

After the hiking and gardens we went to lunch and went back our place for swimming. The rest of the day was a lot of relaxation meaning TV and playing for the kids, and napping and relaxing for the grown-ups.

Our beloved family Clark, Swathi, Soren, Meera and Mani flew in last night and stayed in our home.  This morning we all woke up and drove to Southern Utah for our family vacation.  Today was our Zion’s day!

Zion’s canyon is very convenient to get to from Orem Utah. Orem is exit 269 and the ext for Arches is exit 27, so it is literally just 242 miles south (3 hours). Once you exit the freeway, you take route 9 East towards LaVerkin for about 40 minutes, and then you are right at Zion’s/Springdale.

Zion’s has been very rainy for us recently. We came as a family two months ago and it was completely downpouring. On that trip, I bought a bunch of umbrellas and ponchos so that we could still do some hiking. I felt very blessed to remember to bring them all on this trip as well, because as it turned out, we really needed them! It rained on and off throughout the entire day.

The first hike we did was our go-to at Zion’s, the Riverwalk trail.  It never dissapoints, even in the rain!

Here is an adorable video of Clarissa splashing in the water.

Here is a flashback to two months ago when she did the exact same thing 🙂

After hiking we drove to our Airbnb in Washington (40 minutes away) and we all had pasta which Swathi made and went to bed.

Well, we didn’t actually go to bed. Lydia, Mary, Ammon and Soren, were having a blast in their room (with two bunkbeds next to each other) and Lily and I stayed up and watched Game of Thrones.

Lily asked me to blog today so we could have recorded my perspective on what it is like going through her faith journey with her.

At first it was awful.  I, like many members of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, felt extremely invested in my belief system, and when Lily started breaking away from different beliefs of the LDS church, I felt betrayed, hurt and also scared. Scared because she was thinking harder on the topic than I was and certainly studying a lot more than I was. So I was scared that she was on to something, on to something true, something that would unravel my own belief system as well if I opened myself up to it.  In my hurt and fear, I started out not being a very safe space for her. I would find myself loyally defending the church for stupid things it has done wrong or is doing wrong. I would find myself judging her for being too cynical, too negative, or throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

But something bigger than my deep love for the church has been at play, and that is my even deeper love for Lily.  Lily has changed my life. She has given immeasurable added  meaning and beauty to my life. She has filled me days with happiness, and served tireless to build a wonderful home for our children.  I knew that I needed to treat her different because of the love I had for her and because I knew certainly that I did not want our relationship to suffer because we now saw things differently. So I started to repent. I started to listen more, to truly consider what she was reading, thinking and feeling. I started to validate her journey, even in areas where it differed from mine. Most importantly, I started to incorporate things she was learning into my own beliefs to help bring me closer both to her and to truth. That all was going pretty well and despite the great stress over discussions around tithing, raising children in the faith, and other church topics, things still thrived. I feel I have a uniquely good marriage and all of that stayed intact as Lily explored and tried to determine for herself what she believed and what she didn’t.

Things came to a massive jolt when Lily went to a Sunday school class a month ago and was so hurt by some of the comments condemning same-sex relationships, that she felt that church had become too toxic, and she decided she was going to take a break. Ironically, and also miraculously, while she was in the worst class of her life, I was in the men’s group (Elder’s Quorum) having one of the best classes of my entire life which gave me a greater articulated faith in Christ, specifically that faith in Christ is the belief that Christ will take anything and everything difficult or sad in our lives, and ultimately turn it into something beautiful and glorious to those that believe.  After my amazing class, I felt ready for anything, and in a moment of inspiration, love and brilliance, I caressed Lily after her traumatic class and told her with complete compassion, support, love and understanding that it was ok that she needed to take a break. That I supported it, understood, believed in her.

…….And then the wheels came off my cart. The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I told her of my support in complete integrity of intention, but I found myself falling apart after that at the awareness of what was happening to both me and my family.  The first thing that shocked me to the core was the realization that Lily would not longer be at church with me, no longer sit in class with me, no longer drive to and from church with me, no longer help pick-up the kids with class from me, exchange small talk with me, comment in class with me etc. One of my favorite parts of our shared experience was now no longer shared.  Then, and this is the thought that completely unraveled me, I started to think that our ideologies would grow so different that there would be entire parts of our internal worlds that would never be fully relatable again.  An area of connection and common assumptions that always tied us together was now unraveling and I envisioned us having our views about God and the LDS church living in silos that would never connect. I feared we would never be united in the same way. Never understand each other in the same way.  I’ve always felt largely in unison with Lily. I’ve never felt an area of significant disagreement with her on ideology or beliefs. This was the first time it had ever happened on this magnitude, and I feared it would rip us apart, or at least make it so we could never be as close.

Eventually, my inner-unravelings became outer unravelings. I’ve had multiple sessions falling apart right in front of Lily. Sometimes deeply sad, sobbing that we’ll never be as close again. Sometimes I was angry, accusing her of selfishness (and most unfortunately, that happened on Mother’s day), but in every case, I was a complete emotional disaster, feeling like my world was falling apart. Also, in every case, Lily was so quick to forgive, and so understanding of the grieving process I was going through.

It has been about a month now since Lily decided to stop going to go church. Church is still hard, but it is getting better. I actually had joy at church today and really enjoyed the people and messages. I found myself helping to transition a crying baby into being ok in the nursery so her parents could go to class and I felt joy at the ability to help. I enjoyed my clerking work after church. And I came home to Lily to gush about the people and the messages that were so great.  I will always miss having Lily there. I never want to stop missing having Lily there. She is a part of me, and I want her close in every possible way, but right now, this is how it is, and it’s getting better.

I’m also getting better, day by day, at showing the love and support that I originally promised to her when she first said she wasn’t coming to church. It is a process for me, but I see myself getting better at it. Her journey is very authentic. She is truly searching for what is true, and she has legitimate concerns about the church, many of which I share. She wants to take a step back and craft her own approach to life, God and faith, and have enough distance from the church to know what she is building is hers, and not something she is being inculcated to think. Church conditioning is very strong, so I completely understand what she is doing, and I support it.

I titled this entry rain on tulips. After the activities of today, I went out to the porch to play guitar to relax, and while I did, I noticed the incredible rain on the tulips outside.  Just looking at the combination of raindrops on the amazing tulips Georgia planted really hit me. I was in awe of how beautiful of a site it was.  It was not a sunny day. The air was cool, crisp and clean. The sky was overcast, and yet, the site of the rain on the tullips was breathtaking. That’s how I feel about Lily’s faith journey and the journey our whole family is on as a result. It isn’t exactly sunny right now, but it is profoundly beautiful. So what is the beauty in it? I’m glad you asked.

Lily’s journey is opening the minds of everyone in this family, especially my own. She is determined that our children are not provincial, or judgemental or bigoted. She is also determined that they do not hand their brains over to the institution of the church to decide on all of the world’s issues for them. She wants them to question leadership, question authority, seek inspiration, use their minds, and come to their own conclusions. She wants our children to have exposure to diversity. To find love for all the good the world has to offer and to not be blocked by feelings of superiority, otherness or peculiarity that would inhibit health interaction with other groups, ideas or people. She wants them to be free from the chains of black and white thinking, thinking that only they have the truth, and the chains of pride that make us think we have so much to share and so little to learn. These are all things that I value deeply, and it truly is hard to model these values as a conventional and orthodox member of my church. I now feel my children are getting the best of both worlds…a faith structure to build, shape and secure them, and an open mind to know that there is more beyond the structure, more to be examine, explored and even adopted.

Also, Lily’s journey has led to some of my most profound Spiritual advances that I have ever experienced. Having OCD, and also just being unusually conscientious, my journey in the church has been incredibly joyful, meaningful and rewarding, but it has also been fraught with fear and panic. I stress about the rules. I stress about the guidelines. I stress about if I got my tithing calculations right, about if I looked away quick enough when a sensual scene came on in a movie, if it matters that there is alcohol in my dijon mustard etc. etc.  When I’m really stressed out, such worries can turn into full blown panic attacks. Bear in mind, I have a deep love for the church, and I could write a thousand pages on how much I love it, the good it has done for me and why, why I want to continue it and why I want our children to grow up in it, but this is one dark corner that has been a part of my experience….the fear. As Lily has been breaking rules like drinking coffee, not going to church etc, I’ve observed that she is still amazingly wonderful, still having spiritual experiences, still seeking God, still loving others etc. In short, her world is still turning and she is still experiencing God. Observing her has given me courage to break some rules in my own right, not to be reckless, or jeopardize anything that truly matters to me, but to prove to myself that the world will keep spinning and I can keep operating even if I occasionally color outside of the lines. Her journey has helped me to loosen up and have less anxiety, to realize more and more that I’m saved by God and not by the institution of the church and that being good with God is not the exact same as being good with the church. Most importantly, it has reduced my fear and helped me to live more freely. It has helped me to be a church member out of joy, and do things because I want to, and not because I’m scared not to. It’s hard to express how significant this pivot has been in my life. I plan to do a lot more writing on it, but it has been a massive breakthrough for me.

Lastly, I need to end by saying that somehow, in some miraculous way, I have now found myself closer to Lily than I have ever felt to her. I certainly did not think this was possible. But somehow there is more intimacy in truly listening, respecting and hearing each others differences, than there is in feeling the same on everything. I don’t know how or why it works this way, but for us it does. Maybe its because it’s a greater more vulnerable and deep expression of love to embrace someone different than to embrace someone whose the same. If you embrace someone who is the same, does that mean you love the person? Or does it mean you just love their sameness? When you embrace all of someone, including differences, there is no mistaking…what you truly love, is the person. That is how it has felt with Lily. I have felt more deeply in love with her, and more deeply loved by her than I have ever felt. We used to find unity through unison. Now we are harmonizing. Now we are finding unity through love, respect, listening.

Rain can be cold, wet, sloppy, even sad. But what I see now is that the rain on the tulip of our home has only made it more beautiful.

Also, here is a very cute video of Clarissa. She says “O-K” so cutely, and she says her name as “Sah”.

Today was nice, specifically because it was way less busy, and way more low key than yesterday.

We listened to conference, and Lydia and Mary were extremely well behaved and colored quietly in front of conference. Clarissa and Ammon are at the age where behaving well during conference is a completely unrealistic expectation, so we managed their chaos along with the messages.

My favorite talk of the entire conference was by Tad Callister on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I felt fire in my soul as I listened to it, and for me, it was the most doctrinaly pure and powerful talk of the entire conference.

Weather was amazing today, and we played outside for a bit before having dinner which was one of our summer favorites: BBQ chicken cobb salad. It was soooooo good.

Then Lily, Georgia and I tidied up, and I had a wonderful time talking to my family on the phone and I played some guitar.

It was a great day!