Author: Abe Darais

Lexy was able to help again so she watched the kids while I went into the office since people on my team were still in the office for QBR week. Because of my rough night last night, and the fact that it’s been an intense week generally, I was quite tired and stressed at work today. However, I powered through and I was grateful all my meetings went well enough. Work is in a good spot.

Also, at work we had our company all-hands meeting and an incredible neuroscientist presented. These are the things I learned from him:

1. Our prefrontal cortexes are very limited. They start sharp in the morning, but lose the ability to do complex things and make decisions as the day goes on (it’s’ function goes up and down throughout the day, but in an overall downward trajectory). The prefrontal cortex literally gets more worn and tired with every decision. His advice was to do your most difficult and complex things first thing in the morning, and he said the most complex thing for people is prioritizing, so that should be done first.
2. The very most complex problems in our lives actually cannot be solved by the prefrontal cortex. They require something he calls insight. Insight is when our unconscious mind drops a solution or insight into our conscious mind (prefrontal cortex). He said to have more insight, we need to create situations that quiet our prefrontal cortex. Things like no-meeting Mondays, or walking, or stillness. He said this is why we often get our best ideas in the shower. Our prefrontal cortexes often attack things directly, but our unconscious mind is able to work around the problem in creative ways and find solutions the prefrontal cortex cannot.
3. There are three types of threat levels and the prefrontal cortex is affected in certain ways at each level.
   1. Level 1 threat is like your boss giving you a hard assignment with a deadline, but you’ve done something similar before and you know you can do it. This type of thread is good for productivity, sharpens your mind and gets your juices going.
   2. Level 2 threat is feeling like a tiger is chasing you. Threat responses kick into gear and it clouds judgement and productivity.
   3. Level 3 is when you are completely off the rails from fear or anxiety. He didn’t go much into this, but it its not a good place to be.
4. He then went into the scarf model. These are the ingredients to physiological safety. Everyone has their own hierarchy for the order of importance for these ingredients. People’s’ psychological wellness and safety will be according to how well these different ingredients are in place:
   1. Status – In our primitive days a decrease in status would mean less food or care, and a shorter and worse life. If someone tells you directly that you are wrong, that will trigger defensiveness which is your body reacting to the threat of losing status in the tribe. Helping someone see new solutions while not directly attacking their ego or status will help people not feel threatened.
   2. Certainty – Out minds have a deep need to be able to map out and predict the future. When the future is uncertain, our minds can go reeling. A great hack for this to calm our minds is to create localized certainty. Maybe clean and organize a room or a workspace so the mind feels like things are predictable and stable. Even if things are not localized and stable outside of your localized bubble, creating that space of certainty will help your mind not feel threatened.
   3. Autonomy – People like to feel in control of their actions, and do things they way they want to. A way to help your brain when you feel a lack of autonomy is to focus on controlling the things you can control.
   4. Relatedness – This one was very interesting to me. We feel threatened when we are faced with people that are not like us. Studies show that when someone with different beliefs than tells us about their beliefs, we literally tune it out and almost don’t even process what they say. When someone like-minded tells us about their beliefs, we process it deeply. I assume this stems from our need to be safe within our tribes and avoid threats from potentially dangerous tribes in primitive days, but I think it is also the cause of a lot of divisions in our society in current times.
   5. Fairness – People lose psychological safety if they believe they are being treated unfairly.

My biggest take away personally is that maturing in this life often involves being able to function outside of our comfort zone within threat level 1 (I believe that’s where growth happens), and threat level 1 can be stimulating. But we should work hard as a society to ensure that there is as little of threat level 2 and 3 happening to people, especially for groups that are often oppressed.

I got home at 6:00, ate with the kids, face-timed Lily with the kids, and read everyone a chapter in Harry Potter. The house was quiet by 10:00 and I was asleep by 10:30. I had one interruption at night (Ammon I think), but overall, I got a lot of sleep and felt way better on Friday.

Here are pictures from Lily and Jenn!

Today was the quarterly QBR and annual kickoff meetings I’ve been planning for a month. My two Raleigh reps flew into town so we could all be together (we do it once per quarter). Unfortunately, our Nanny Lexy had a migraine and was not able to help today. With Ammon still sick, I stayed home and joined the meetings remotely. Even though I would have definitely preferred to be there in person, the meetings, content and discussion all went very well. I feel my team is very aligned on a vision (of focusing on $100k+ deals) and very enabled to go do our job this year. The important stuff got done and I was very satisfied with the meetings.

Suzanne came at 3:30 so she could pick all the kids up from school while I was still in meetings and then she stayed to play with the kids, make sure they did music practice, tend to the kids, clean and help with dinner. After dinner she helped me clean up the kitchen. She was so cheerful and helpful and it was so needed because I was exhausted after my day of meetings and also I was getting very behind, but I was able to work while she babysat, which was a life-saver! She left right as I was putting kids down. Once she left, I got the kids down and then had some time to myself……or so I thought. I then heard running water, only to find that one of the kids had left a faucet on in the bathroom and closed the drain. The backup drain was overwhelmed and there was water spilling all over the floor and into the vanity. After cleaning the water off the floor, I removed almost everything from the vanity so I could dry every single drawer and cabinet inside because water had spilled in. After that was sorted, I worked more.

Wednesday night continued to be a rough night. While I was working, Lydia couldn’t sleep because she was having scary thoughts because of a story her friend told her about an evil doll that killed people. She was afraid of her dolls and would repeatedly call me from the Alexa and she also asked me to go up stairs from the basement to make sure that her dolls and stuffed animals weren’t going to kill her. It was a relatively small ask, but I was tired and stressed and unsympathetic. I did check her room, but I mostly got upset with her for keeping my cortisol up until midnight (it only really truly drops when all the kids are peacefully asleep). I feel bad about that.

I fell asleep around midnight and 30 minutes later Clarissa came into my room asking to sleep in my bed. I was so tired that I agreed, but then she said she couldn’t because she had a wet pull-up. I said I didn’t care and that she could just jump in. She protested and said she couldn’t come in because she pee’d her pull up. We did a couple rounds of this until I realized she had actually taken her pull-up off, and was naked from the waste down while we were having this conversation. She picked an incredible night to ask for a new pull-up because she had just been put in the last clean pull-up in the entire house. So at 12:30 at night I was going all through the house, the garage, the car looking for a clean pullup. I finally said she’d need to wear a wet one and she she complied and joined me in bed. It took a bit for me to fall asleep since I had already slept some before waking, but I did fall asleep around 1. Then Ammon came into my room around 4, not realizing what time it was and asking to watch his Kindle or something like that. I not longer remember if he joined me in bed or went back in his own bed, but then I slept another couple hours and woke up around 6:30.

Here are some pictures from Lily’s day with Jenn including an awesome time at Graceland!

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On Tuesday, Lexy came over early and stayed late. That allowed to go into the office to work and go the team poker night afterwards. I had so much fun at the poker night. The entire team was there. We ate food, watched basketball, and I learned how to play poker, which was a blast. We each put in $10 to make it interesting, but no one was really there for betting. We just wanted to spend time together and bond and it was such a good time. Lexy called me while I was there to say Ammon had a fever of 102.7, so I felt worried about that, but Ammon went to bed and the fever broke relatively quickly, so I felt I could stay at the party.

Lily and and Jenn saw a great sunrise and sunset, and did lots of driving and saw the cowboy museum in-between:

Even though Ammon threw up last night, I still made my appointment to play basketball (it’s a hard group to get into, and keeping appointments is how I stay in the rotation, plus I was dying to play). Lexy, our nanny we occasionally call on, came in the morning so I could play basketball and so I could attend early meetings while she took the kids to school.

But she was only scheduled to help until 9:30 and she couldn’t stay longer, so I worked from home so I could watch Ammon while I worked. I got through my work day in time to pick up the other kids from school. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with Ammon. I thought it was food poisoning, but I couldn’t be sure. His school has a strict policy about kids needing to be symptom free for 24 hours no matter what it is. Also Lexy had concerns about nannying for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday because she also helps another family and she didn’t want to spread anything. Also, we had plans to go to a movie today right after school and I couldn’t decide if I should take Ammon or not. I called Lily in a moment of a little bit of panic, and she helped talk me through things.

In the end, Lydia and Mary went with Emily, Eli and Choe to the movie (Sing 2), while I paid the $25 to get it streamed to our TV so I could watch it at home with Ammon and Clarissa, so they didn’t have to miss it.

Also, I was thinking it was probably food poisoning because of how fast it came on after the salmon, but Lexy told me that even if it wasn’t, she felt ok still helping if only Ammon was sick and it wasn’t something sweeping through our whole family. That was a huge relief. So things worked out and settled down by the end of the day. I was so exhausted by the end of the day from my early start and exercise, work, and all the decisions and logistics that I just rested until 9:45 PM. Or, I tried to, except to my great frustration I was frequently interrupted, including once by Lydia who decided to listen to Bill Cosby on full blast so she could hear it over the bath she was making for herself. I came running up from the basement very frustrated (that was probably the 3rd or 4th interruption). Finally from 9:45 to 10:15 I had some quiet time with the kids down to just let my cortisol drop. I then spend 2.5 hours working on the house, just the messes from the day, the dishes, and the upstairs which was quite a scene. My hope was that with the house in great shape, I could ask our nanny to keep it that way (and to my great delight, she did). I got to be around 1AM. At some point during all of this, I sent Lily a simple text message, “I respect you so much”. I love when I have to solo it for a while because it always reminds me the huge efforts Lily has put in throughout the years, so often by herself, and today I even had morning help from a nanny!

Here are some more pictures from Lily’s trip with Jenn!

Georgia O’Keeffe museum (isn’t she amazing!)

Another museum:

Our friend Jenn has devoted her life recently to helping process refugees from Afghanistan. First she was on a military base in Texas and now she is moving to Baltimore to work at a local refugee center. She’s taking her car out there and making the long drive and Lily is going with her. I’m so happy Lily is able to support our friend in that way, and also hopefully have a fun adventure with a break from the kids. Here is Lily and also Jenn just before they left!

After Lily left, I took the kids to church only to find it was on-line only due to Covid. We listened to Sunday school on the way home, and then I listened to the main session on my computer at home.

Then we all went to In-and-Out. I didn’t eat there because I’m trying to cut red-meat for myself, but the kids wanted In-and-out and it was an easy solution for a slightly overwhelmed temporarily single parent. They seemed to love it!

After that, we went and visited Georgia. Lydia was sweet to watch the smaller kids in the car while Mary and I visited with Georgia in a room that was within eye-shot of the car. We had a wonderful visit.

Then we all went on a walk in Squaw Peak Canyon. Once we started, we realized the trail was muddy, but we all were in need of a walk outside (especially Basil), so we forged ahead. It was a wonderful time.

Because of all the mud, bathing Basil afterwards was a complete necessity. Although, he seemed to disagree because he literally put his paws firmly down so Mary had to drag him towards the door of the dog-wash. I let the kids take pictures and videos while I washed Basil. I’ll start with my favorite one, which is a slow-motion video of Basil shaking off.

Lily and Jen finished their driving and arrived in Santa Fe. Here are some pictures that Lily took. Lily called me raving about Santa Fe. We knew we love it, but she was reminded just how much we love love, and how it’s really not that far (8 hours).

At night I grilled salmon and vegetables for the kids from meal kits I got at Sprouts. We had some sweets afterwards and then all went to bed. Ammon got up throughout the night and threw up multiple times (I’m not sure how many because he would just throw up and then come report to me in my bed that he threw up and I was in a sleepy daze).

This morning we continued watching Kaylin and Gigi until Chris and Jen arrived around 9 or 10. Lily was at Yoga, but I really enjoyed chatting with them for almost a good hour. We love that family. Their kids were so good during the sleep over, and we always enjoy talking with them. Lily got home just as they were leaving so she was able to say hello.

Then I fed the kids lunch and went skiing with my friend Randy Blosil. It was awesome to see him. I was feeling a little tired and discouraged with how my work year ended, but seeing him was an incredible pick-me-up. He was one of the top sales reps at Vivint, and on the side he’s starting a chocolate milk company. He told me how he had all sorts of supply issues and production issues, but reached out to the CEO of a large chocolate supplier based in Europe who agreed to meet with him and how that has changed everything. He’s happy, cheerful, optimistic and chasing the dreams and his wife Carolyn is the same. I love that family and it was awesome to spend the day with him on the slopes. I also decided to get a private ski lesson in the future because I’ve never had one, and my bad form felt very apparent, although I did have fun.

While I was gone, Lily played Clue with Ammon. It didn’t last very long because he is a little young to understand the game and I think it’s harder with just two people.

When I got home, Lily snapped a picture because she loves when I wear sporty clothes.

In the evening Lyldia and Mary loved on Basil and each other, and then they did a dance with Ammon to “Live your Life” by TI and Rhianna.

Today was quite lively at our house. At 4:00 Amy came over with her four kids and everyone spent time together. We always love spending time with them. In addition to socializing we ate Via 313 pizza (Detroit style) as well as Lou Malnati’s pizza (shipped from Chicago) to compare which was better. Both were delicious and votes were split across pizzas. Then Jen and Chris showed up and dropped their kids off for a sleepover. Jen is leaving to Baltimore and Chris and the kids are staying behind a few months to finish school, so they were having a quick getaway together in Midway before Jen leaves. Eli showed up at the same time to join the fun.

Then Amy and her kids left at about the time that Matt, Emily and Choe joined Eli. Then we did Karaoke with Kaylin and Gigi (Chris’ and Jenn’s kids), and the Kahler’s until way past the kids bed time. It was a solid six hours of socialization, and I have to say, we all had so so so much fun. Matt started researching karaoke machines to get one for his family because he and Emily enjoyed it so much. The whole evening was a blast, and all the kids were so well behaved, it was not overwhelming at all, not even once.

Here are some videos and pictures of the night. I particularly love the latter videos because in addition to a singer, all the kids are dancing.

Today Lily started writing a short story about a woman who’s mirror talks to her. Writing felt thrilling to Lily, and it was so fun to have her read what she started to me because she is so good at writing. I just finished the book Circe today, and I felt similarity between the power of Madeline Miller’s imagery and that of Lily’s. It will be awesome to see where her writing takes her.

Also, Lily worked on her knitting skills with our friend Christian (Daniel and Amanda Olsen’s son). We admire Christian for his talents and kindness, and he’s an awesome teacher. Lily really progressed in just one session!

I had a harder emotional day today because of how much work I was cramming in my work hours, working through a bit of panic/anxiety, recovering from the rigor of travels, and all the awards ceremonies, positivity and comradery I sat through (feeling not in the middle of it, and feeling aware of my gaps in personality and performance that made me not int he middle of it). It was a humbling day, but humbling always feels spiritually healthy, and a huge bright spot for me was seeing how over-the-moon happy Lily was as she engaged in writing and knitting. Also, by the end of the day, I re-centered, and felt truly content. I feel I am not perfect, but am overall happy with who I am and where I’m going, and I couldn’t be luckier with what I have, especially on the family front.

I had sales kick-off sessions today, so I was able to be flexible and do things in the back-ground (catch up blogging etc). Lily spent the entire morning taking Georgia to a doctor appointment, after which she spent a lot of time today reading articles about racism in the Book of Mormon, and writing her response to them to her friend. In short, most voices addressing racism in the Book of Mormon barely acknowledge the racism is there, or that it’s damaging, and these are often white voices. Lily wanted to share her experience and observations, corroborated by many other people of color, to make sure that what seems to be missing in the conversation gets said. She is a powerful writer and I enjoyed hearing her read her response to me.

Later in the day, Clarissa and Ammon colored in my office, and I helped Lydia learn how to do double-digit long-division. Also, Lily was instrumental later in the evening while I was wrapping up work. We both were to bed at a decent time and we slept like rocks!

We got good sleep last night and were fully packed and out the door by 9AM. Then we grabbed snacks at a Wallgreens and went to Joshua Tree National Park. We drove past the Panda Express that we ate at over 6 years ago when Lily threw up, and then knew she was pregnant (with Ammon). We had in INCREDIBLE time at the park. It is hard to overstate how pleasant the weather was. Warm sun-rays penetrated through my skin and into my soul, yet it was about 65 degrees so I never felt hot. It was perfect weather.

We went to Jumbo Rocks campground and caught the skull rock trail which was a perfect one mile loop. One mile was perfect because we allowed each child a ten minute stop anywhere he or she wanted to allow people to play on the rocks. We played hide and seek, and also found a super fun climbing area that was so interesting with it’s twist, turns, caverns, and narrow areas. I got really excited at that fun “castle” climbing area.

Then we stamped our passports at the visitor’s center, got Del Taco and candy, and made haste to get home as soon as possible.

Almost the entire way home we listened to Circe by Madeline Miller. Her descriptions were unbelievable. It’s one of the few books I’ve experienced where I felt continually impressed by the artistry of the writing. The imagergy, and the descriptions painted such vivid imagery, and gave me such visceral reactions. It was truly a delight. I had it all the way up to 1.7 or 1.8 speed at one point to try to get the whole book finished before arriving home, but we still have an hour left. It was Lily’s 2nd time through the book, and Lydia and Mary loved it too. Usually I’m able to be the one to power us home on a late night drive, but around 10:30PM, I really pooped out. Lily, fortunately, was feeling great, and she drove for the next two hours. I took the last 45 minutes, and we pulled in around 1:35AM.

I cherished this trip and loved every second. It is so so fun to explore with my sweetheart and wonderful kiddos.