polygamy rant

We continued Morgan’s birthday extravaganza on Saturday morning. Jessi had an open house in her garage, and my personal highlight was meeting and conversing with Kathryn M. Daynes, the pre-eminent scholar on Mormon polygamy. She is Jessi’s neighbor, and Jessi knows I have been studying polygamy and grabbed me as soon as Kathryn showed up.

Kathryn said a lot of interesting things. One thing that has bothered me is D&C 132 which refers to women as “virgins” and basically says a man can marry as many virgins as he wants. I really don’t like the fact that women are reduced to their sexual status and don’t believe God views me in this light (not to mention my qualms about the actual revelation on polygamy). Anyway, in my better moments I can now turn to Kathryn’s interpretation of this scripture. She explained it by saying that Joseph Smith was responding to the accusation that the women entering into polygamy were “whores.” Back then, Kathryn explained, you were either a respectable woman or a whore, and polygamist women were considered the latter.

When she said this, I realized that the word “virgin” might be intended to connote polygamist women’s respectability and uprightness before God, rather than just reducing them to their sexual status. That makes the word a bit easier to swallow, I think. (Of course, in my own studies, I have come across Joseph Smith quotes that substantiate my earlier interpretation of this scripture, but I am so, so grateful to have this counter explanation, thanks to Kathryn.)

I also liked Kathryn’s approach as a historian. She said that her intent was to understand polygamy and the people who chose to practice it. She was not simply doing history to prove polygamy was a mistake, but rather to understand it. I think that is a really admirable attitude.

She also explained a lot of ways polygamy worked in a pioneer society. The one that we hear most commonly is that it allowed women to be taken care of who otherwise would have had to fend for themselves. She said this was actually a true attitude among many polygamists. Her own great-grandfather was scorned because he took multiple younger wives. Apparently this did not go over well with his fellow polygamists who thought that the purpose of polygamy to care for older women who otherwise would have to be alone.

I also asked her if she thought the Church would re-institute polygamy. It had never occurred to me that the Church would ever even consider such a thing until I a) studied polygamy this summer and realized it could easily happen again and b) noticed an upsurge in polyamory among my friends and understood that polyamory is going to be the Next Big Thing. Our laws are going to change in my lifetime, and then the Church will be free to re-institute polygamy…so will it or won’t it?

Kathryn said the Church won’t re-institute polygamy because women are a lot more financially independent these days and don’t need a man to survive economically. She also said our society is set up for duets, be it homo or hetero-sexual, and that it will be very hard to change that set-up. I personally disagree that it will be that hard to change the societal set-up, and I also think on of the reasons we hear cited for polygamy was to increase the number of church members. That last reason could be easily, easily cited today in the case of re-institution.

Anyway, the gist of that part of the conversation was that I felt unconvinced that the Church won’t re-institute polygamy, and that was kind of a let-down. I was hoping for some mind-blowing, totally convincing argument for why we will never have to do this again, and I don’t feel like I heard it.

But Abe swears to me that we will never practice polygamy, and he also keeps telling me to cross that bridge if it comes (and he thinks it will never happen). I am trying to keep my anxiety on this point in check. When my daughters are old enough, I am going to teach them that they are not chattel, that they deserve the kind of marriage Abe and I have, and that unless they have a mind-blowing vision from God and actually either hear God’s voice or see an angel telling them to practice polygamy, that they are never, ever to practice it. I am going to give Ammon basically the same talk and tell him that unless he also has a vision and sees angels that he is never, ever to marry more than one woman. I am so thankful Ammon has Abe’s example on how to treat women, and I hope Ammon grows up with a bone-deep understanding of gender equality.

And after all that, here are some cute pictures of Clarissa hanging out on the Boppy.

 

Morgan’s birthday surprise

On Friday the big event was Morgan’s surprise birthday dinner. Dan flew in from California so that all of Morgan’s Circle of Life Friends, (Dan, Abe, and Kade) could be together and surprise Morgan. Unfortunately, Abe had to work late and we missed being there in time for the surprise. Er, oh well…?

But everything after that was nice. It was my first time eating at Pizzeria 712 since working there, and I was greatly relieved to see that I knew no one there. Maybe Abe and I can do date nights there now.

After dinner, I came home and put the kids down before book club, and Abe went out with his Circle of Life friends. First they went to Comedy Sportz and had a great time laughing there. Then they went to Morgan’s office and got the grand tour. (Morgan is the CEO of Bonsai, a financial literacy company.) After the Bonsai tour they went to In-N-Out before driving Kade home to Draper. They got back around 1am and had lots of fun together. Abe went to bed very tired and very happy.

 

Dinner with the Jensens

Tonight we had Tori and Nate Jensen over for dinner. They were so nice. Nate wanted to talk to my mom about corporate law, and Tori works at Qualtrics, so she and Abe got to chat about work. Qualtrics really is an amazing company.

The kids were excited for company. Mary drew Tori a picture, and Lydia lent Nate her witch costume.

The kids were so good during dinner, but I got on Lydia’s case for hitting Nate accidentally with a towel and doing a handstand with her boots on the counter. Afterward when Abe told the kids how good they were during dinner, Lydia said sadly, “Well, Mama said I did two things wrong.” That broke my heart. She really tried so hard and I just focused on what she did wrong. She was asleep by the point I heard about that exchange, so first thing tomorrow I am going to tell her how proud I am of how sweet, good, and quiet she was for almost all of dinner.

Also, Mary got her darling kindergarten pictures today!

therapy appointment

On Wednesday I dropped the kids off with Abe at 3:45pm and headed to my new therapist. I got lost and so was pretty late for the appointment, but I felt good talking to her. I am really looking forward to getting my anxiety and wrong thought patterns under control.

At one point, I’ll admit, I did feel kind of weird to be sitting in the office. I almost wished I were more dysfunctional to justify the time and money. I mean, I can take care of my kids, bond with my baby, and I’m not about to hurt anyone or myself. I can even be happy–given certain conditions, e.g. a lot of rest, order in the house, and peace between my kids. And I’m almost always happy if I’m just with Abe.

But I do have dysfunctional thought patterns and assumptions that I work off of, and I am in therapy to get those fixed. I just want to be in a place where I don’t always operate under the assumption that I am totally worthless and everybody hates me. (There’s a song I sing to Abe when I’m making fun of my thoughts and it goes like this: “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms!”)

So, hopefully, this is the start of something good.

 

Happy Halloween!

Both girls had fun Halloween parties at school, and after school we picked out pumpkins from a local apple farm.

Abe came home from work early to carve with the kids while I made dinner and my mom readied the house for our friends, the Harmons.

After they were done, the Harmons came over to join us for dinner and trick or treating. We love these people a lot, so their presence made us very happy. James, their two year old son, wore the most adorable garbage truck costume you ever saw.

In contrast, Ammon refused to wear his dino costume I hunted up from the basement. He shed each piece before we got to house humber three. Oh, well. At least we had James to charm the neighbors before costume-free Ammon followed up with his grab-ALL-the-candy act. He was very excited about the candy and pretty soon was grinning and yelling “FANK YOOUU!!” to the great open sky in between houses.

I took Clarissa home early and while Abe was trick or treating with Ammon, he made the mistake of opening the candy for Ammon to eat. After that, Ammon would grab each new piece of candy and present it to Abe with the demand, “Open.”

When everything was all over and Abe had to take Ammon to bed, Ammon starting screaming, crying, and clawing for his candy basket yelling, “Mo’ RED! Mo’ GWEEN! Mo’ PINK!!!” He didn’t know the names of the candies, so he called them by their color.

In sum, Ammon grasped the concept of Halloween this year and didn’t want it to end.

Monday business

On Monday morning Abe and I held to our resolution to work out early. We did Insanity together. I only lasted a little while before my groin and plantar fasciitis started bothering me, but it was so fun to be together and great to start the day on time.

The evening got crazy. After the girls came home from dance and tumbling, we all scarfed down some dinner before Mary and I headed to piano while Abe took the rest of the kids to clean the church.

Abe was starting to get sick from over exertion, so we went to bed right after the kids. It was a full day.

 

Sunday at home

On Sunday I was looking forward to going to Abe’s lesson. He was teaching the combined RS and Priesthood about the #Lighttheworld program this year. Actually, he thought his counselor was going to teach it, but it ended up that at the last minute Abe discovered he was teaching most of it.

Anyway, by the time church was starting Clarissa was sound asleep and I was still bone tired, so I stayed home with Clarissa, intending to go to church when she woke up. Just as I was getting ready, Abe came home with Ammon, who was coughing up a storm. He didn’t feel comfortable taking Ammon to nursery with his hacking cough, so he brought him home. I was admittedly disappointed because I really wanted to attend Abe’s lesson, but I ended up having a peaceful time at home with the two kids.

After church we rested some more, watched Planet Earth for FHE, and talked with Clark, Swathi, and Soren over Facetime. It was a nice Sunday.

Massage from Brenda

On Friday night I celebrated Abe’s return by taking Nyquil and sleeping a lot. Clarissa woke up three times, but Abe was home and brought her to me so I could nurse her without getting up. Then he let me sleep in bed all morning, which was amazing because I was tired.

After being in bed all morning, I got up and we all piled in the car to drive to Draper. Abe’s mom gives me these amazing massage certificates to her masseuse, Brenda, whose office is right next to Karin’s. Abe knew this week was going to be hard, so he used one of those certificates to schedule a ninety minute massage for me with Brenda at 1pm.

While I was with Brenda, Abe, Karin and the kids all went to lunch at Chuck O-Rama’s. They had a great time, and wow, so did I. Brenda is, in Karin’s words, “magical.” I went in there full of all sorts of toxicity, and after Brenda’s massage I felt absolutely amazing. I love talking to Brenda, and she is full of wisdom. Between her wisdom and her hands, I was a different person after that massage.

We took it easy after the massage, and Saturday ended up being very restful and rejuvenating. We cleaned, cooked, ate, and rested a lot. It was a great day.

Abe comes home

On Thursday night Clarissa was up for hours, and Ammon kept waking himself up coughing. My mom even had to go into Ammon at one point because I was stuck nursing Clarissa and Ammon was coughing and crying for help. It was a long night. I was sick and hadn’t slept in who knows how long, and basically by the end of the night I felt kind of suicidal.

I don’t want to overstate the case, but I think thoughts of suicide are actually pretty normal post partum. I don’t think I have depression; I can still function, bond with my baby, take care of myself and kids, and I’m capable of being happy the minute I get some rest. But the more and more people are being open about their mental health, the more I start to think suicidal thoughts are just part of certain parts of life.

So after not sleeping for days, being sick, and caring for sick kids around the clock (a phrase that sounds so innocuous but actually encapsulates a grueling, excruciating experience), all of my free mental space went to how my family would be better off without me. I never once got close to doing anything about these thoughts, but they took up every free second of my time.

I almost didn’t blog about that part of the week, but I think it’s important to be honest about my post-partum state. I’ve read posts from friends who have had the exact same thoughts, and it helps so much to know you’re not alone. I want my kids and grandkids, should they read this, to know they’re not alone if they have similar experiences.

When I wasn’t busy brooding about how the world would be better without me, I took the kids to Mary’s Halloween Haunt. Had I been feeling better, I would have really enjoyed this experience. Her school was absolutely decorated to the hilt, and there were cute, fun activities everywhere. I pulled Lydia out of school so she could enjoy it with Mary. I have pictures which I will have to add later because my phone is backing up right now.

After the Halloween Haunt, we came home for naps, and then I took Lydia to her group harp lesson. After that, I made chili and paid the Freestone girls to take Mary and Lydia to the ward Halloween party. My mom and I were too sick and exhausted to go.

Around 7:30pm Abe came home!!!! When he came home, I felt like I had exited the valley of the shadow of death and stepped into the sun. He is the sunshine in my life. It was so, so good to see him again. There really aren’t words to express how happy I was that he was home. Trust me, I was happy.

Old blogs

Here’s a picture Nana took of a proud Mary who had just made her own bed.

On Thursday Ammon and Clarissa took an unexpectedly long nap. Even though I had barely slept the night before, I did not nap with them because I started going through old blogs.

Going through old blogs opened my eyes to a couple things. First of all, I have a great life! I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that, because it seems like in some blogs, I have trouble comprehending that.

Also, I feel so stupid for going to cooking school. I had such an incredible life and all I wanted to do was…go to cooking school?  I look back at those baby pictures of Lydia and Mary and wish I could just have another second with those two darling little girls.

Ironically, even though I feel stupid for going to cooking school, I wish I took more pictures of what we eat every day. I like being able to see the day’s work, and even if the food isn’t fancy, I want to see it. I’m going to try to take more pictures of food I make.

Finally, Thursday was a no good horrible very bad day, but looking through those blogs helped me think that maybe life wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Also, my mom was a huge help and did all of the driving Thursday so that Ammon and Clarissa could keep sleeping. Abe’s being gone was hard on her too. She helped so much that she got sick and lost her voice.

I was really happy for Thursday to be over.