Author: lilydarais

I woke up this morning with panic in my chest. When I signed up for cooking school, I had no idea what the work load would be. Turns out, it’s a lot more work than I ever imagined — even though I had sufficient warning (that, Julia, is a reference to my email exchange with Jamie. Thank you SO much for that hook-up!). Anyway, I woke up battling racing thoughts and panic, and those didn’t get any better as the day wore on.

After dropping my mom off at the airport at noon, I came home, read to the girls, and attempted to put them down for quiet time and nap time. Mary is resisting her afternoon nap these days, so this attempt was not entirely successful. Finally, I just let her toddle around while I worked on my homework…from 3pm to 10:20pm, with only brief intermissions.

Can you believe that? And I’m not even doing any lab classes this semester! And I’m submitting sub-par work! And half of my assignments aren’t getting turned in on time! It is nuts.

I don’t even know why I’ve self-imposed all of this pressure and activity in my life. When I took time today to read and play with my kids, I wistfully remembered just a month ago when I didn’t ever have anything competing with that time.

BUT I also remember (since it was only a month ago) feeling like I was disappearing into motherhood…and I didn’t like it. I mean, I LOVE my children, but I just didn’t like the lack of self actualization on my own terms. I grew up thinking that I could never get enough of domesticity, but it turns out that, after cleaning my kitchen floor approximately two thousand times, I can.

In one Relief Society meeting over a decade ago, one of my friends gave a great lesson on balance. She said that competitive swimmers don’t balance by gliding on the top of the water; rather, they pivot completely from side to side, and thereby achieve perfect balance. I took that analogy to heart, but I have to say, I feel like I am completely pivoted right now, and it doesn’t feel very balanced! I’m constantly chasing down time to self actualize, but in the meantime I feel like a slacker in the mom department, a slob in the homemaking department, and short-tempered in the wife department.  When I practice or do homework or drive to my evening classes, at the back of my mind is this constant terror that these choices mean I’m a selfish narcissist. But also at the back is this faint hope that this pursuit will eventually give me balance. I’ll feel really betrayed if I ever discover that  the best swimmers just glide evenly on top.

Because I suspect I am a narcissist, I spend most of my blogging time chronicling my own thoughts and feelings, and don’t do as great of a job capturing what’s going on in my family. Which is the whole point of this blog. I haven’t even written about how Lydia got confused when Abe tried to teach her the concept of privacy the other day, and that a was such a cute bungle. He asked her if she wanted her privacy on the potty, and she eagerly said she did. A couple minutes later, she sat down at her table wailing because no one had given her her privacy, and minutes later she was leading Nana around the house by the finger searching for her “pwivacy.” She thought it was a type of candy bar reward for going potty, and she was sorely disappointed when those expectations went unmet.

In my crazy attempts to carve time for self-actualization out of the day, I have discovered books on tape for children. I don’t know how they evaded me before, but wow, are they awesome. Today I finally taught Lydia how to load, unload, control the buttons and follow along in the book; that liberated me for hours. Well, some books are more ensnaring than liberating…for instance, today I stayed long enough to listen to a book on Marian Anderson, the African American opera singer from the 1940’s and 50’s. Some of her songs made my panicky, stressed heart want to crack in two. Hands down my favorite children’s book I’ve listened to on tape (and, since I just discovered this genre, consider me an expert).

Here are some pics we took during FHE. Kudos to Abe for coming up with the whole activity, because I was ready to skip it and work on my homework instead…

Abe wanted to act out the story of Jericho’s walls, but Lydia wanted to dress up in last year’s monkey costume. Then we put Mary in Lydia’s old cow costume, and Noah’s ark it was.

Today was Clark and Swathi’s last day in Utah. I am so sad they are gone, especially since while they were here we had in-house babysitters all the time. Abe and I both took two hour naps today and trusted that Lydia was in the greatest possible hands while we were zonked out.

And tomorrow my mom leaves, so by tomorrow night I will feel completely bereft. We will even see less of Balu than we have over the past weekend, simply because he will be gearing up for finals. I guess I should not mourn the future and instead focus on how great this past weekend with my family has been. Today I didn’t even have to cook since Balu and Swathi cooked some amazing Indian food–and Swathi even baked a pecan pie for us all. It was delicious.

Aside from napping all day and nursing a crazy headache, I had a wonderful visit with my visiting teacher, Erica Bowen. It’s amazing how uplifted a good visit can make me feel, and her insights and experiences buoyed my faith and happiness quite a bit.

I also loved just chatting with my family after we put the girls to bed. It was so fun to do nothing but sit around and talk for two hours. I love my family.

Since my headache is not getting any better and I still have a lot to clean, let me just finish and post the pictures of the day.

When Lydia woke up bright and early this morning, I was so tired I honestly can not recall what happened after. I think I fed her breakfast. I know I blogged and practiced the piano…oh, and I might have taken a nap.

Then we bundled up and drove to Little Cottonwood Canyon to hike Donut Falls. We hiked along without incident until we came to a slippery, rocky ledge. We had to slide down it (Clark and Abe did this with babies strapped on) and try hard not to slide into the creek not far from the bottom of the ledge. It was a little scary, but what really gave us pause was our first view of the falls: It was an almost vertical climb on slippery rocks and snow-covered ice. What with the two babies and the fading sun, we decided to turn around. At the end, we experienced a couple hours in some beautiful nature, and we have fresh resolve to hike that trail again in the summer.

After our hike, we drove home, fed the girls, re-bundled, and headed over to Temple Square. We ate dinner at The Garden Restaurant (on the roof of the Joseph Smith building), and then we walked around to see the Christmas lights on Temple Square.

It was a great day. My mom took a bunch of pictures this morning, so here they are:

They have fun.

After dinner yesterday I was so tired and full that I skipped blogging and went to bed. But Grandma, Mom tells me you don’t read this until later in the day, so there’s still time!

Basically, I cooked all day and visited with Swathi and Mom in the kitchen. After reading Preethi’s Thanksgiving menu, I realized a) that her stuffed pumpkin recipe looked to die for and b) that I actually had all the ingredients on hand. Since we weren’t planning on eating dinner until 7pm, I made those pumpkins for lunch.

Good thing I did, because the only stressful moment of the day happened when Abe told me at 1pm that he’d told his family days ago that I would cook Thanksgiving dinner for his aunt (since she can’t leave the house). The food wasn’t going to be ready until after most people expect to eat Thanksgiving, and to be honest, I am not great at gauging portions, so I did not know if I’d made enough food.

Thankfully, I had made an extra pumpkin, and my mom kindly volunteered to purchase the dinners from Whole Foods, so crisis was ultimately averted. Even though we ate these pumpkins for lunch, they were, hands down, my favorite food of the day. We will be making those more often.

Aside from the panic that ensued at 1pm, the rest of the day did not feel hectic or crazy at all. I just stood in the kitchen and made one dish at a time with Swathi and my mom until at 7pm we had turned out: these rolls, mashed potatoes, cauliflower gratin, sweet potato casserole (next year I’d double the sweet potatoes, though), cranberry sauce, Alton Brown’s brined turkey, gravy, apple slab pie, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, three kinds of ice cream and whipped cream. Um, I like dessert. I had some brussel sprouts I meant to cook, but I ran out of time and space in the oven. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll cook those today.

At noon, while the pumpkins were cooking and before I found out I was in charge of an entire other meal, I even got some piano in. It was a great day. And now I’ll go eat some pumpkin pie for breakfast. (It’s my own personal tradition on the morning after Thanksgiving. Somehow, I still have room.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Between cooking school, piano, my reading (Fawzia Koofi’s autobiography is constantly in the back of my mind, although I can only bear to listen to it in small spurts), mothering, and Thanksgiving, I feel like the first bird Noah sent out of the ark; there’s no place for my poor brain to rest! Everything I think about feels like another to-do item or a motivator. My bed and I are experiencing relationship drift, and that concerns me. Once Thanksgiving is done, I will add SLEEP as a to-do item.

In the meantime, I raced through today. This morning found me frantically trying to get my homework done before my mom had to leave on errands. Once that was done, I put Mary down for a nap and took Lydia down to the basement to craft. When I realized I was turning out crafts that looked alarmingly similar to the products my two year old was producing, I called it quits and sat on the couch for the rest of craft time.

I thought our class field trip was today, so I mistakenly drove to Muir Farms instead of school. By the time I realized my mistake, I was totally lost deep in the middle of an industrial complex. I called Abe, who directed me back to the freeway, and then almost got into a wreck on the way to school.

In the meantime, Lydia was home saying cute stuff to Abe. At one point, Abe took something away from Mary, and Lydia reprimanded him, telling him not to grab. Abe ceded the point to Lydia and confessed that she was right; he shouldn’t grab. With a sweet, sympathetic smile, Lydia said, “It’s okay, Daddy. I have been grabbing too. I try and try and try to share with Mary, but sometimes she has something that I want, and I go like this: [prolonged scream here].”

Here are some pictures from today:

Today my friend, Rose, sacrificed her morning to give me the gift of tame hair. It was such a sweet gift, and I felt grateful that someone cared enough about my hair problems to a) notice them b) smuggle stuff back from Brazil with the intent of fixing them c) notify me that (b) had taken place, and therefore that (d) needed to take place as well, d) spend six hours (!!!!!) putting product in and out of my hair until the end result was nothing short of perfection. Today I was a grateful recipient of a kindness that I can’t ever reciprocate. Thank-you, Rose!

After I returned home, I scarfed down some food and sneaked in some piano practice, after which I fed Mary and then picked up my friend, Savanna. She’s in town this week from D.C., and even though she’s only staying with me Friday night, I wanted as much time as possible with her. I kept trying to convince her to spend Thanksgiving with me instead of her family, but so far my efforts seem to be in vain…

Then I came home and submitted the most sub-par menu for my online class imaginable. I have zero technical ability and no access to fancy programs on my computer (I don’t even have Word), so my menu is ridiculously, embarrassingly simple. If I ever do open my dream restaurant, I better do a better job than what I submitted tonight.

Here are some pictures my mom took while she watched the girls ALL morning. (THANK-YOU, MOM!!!!)

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. There’s just a lot of stuff going on! Today I wanted to clean the house before my mom arrived, but I just had too much stuff to do. After I sent Abe a rather desperate email, he sent me an email saying that he booked a maid service to arrive in two hours.

It’s amazing how news that help is on the way can reinvigorate you. Before I found out about the maid service surprise, all I wanted to do was lie down. After I found out help was coming, I raced around the house picking everything up so that when they came, they would spend their time deep cleaning and not doing so much cosmetic stuff.

And deep clean they did! I was thrilled and delighted beyond words to see the top of my fridge clean, underneath the stove clean, surfaces scrubbed and polished…it might as well have been Christmas.

What with the house all beautiful and clean, there was no way I planned on messing up the kitchen by feeding my children. No sirree. Instead, I packed them into the car and we met Abe at Canella’s, where Mary and I stuffed ourselves on my favorite pizza in town and the BEST chocolate beet cake I have ever had. Actually, I’ve never had chocolate beet cake before, but I’m sure if I had had it, this would have been better. Not only was the cake luscious and moist, but the ganache frosting was so thick it basically felt like I was eating truffle with cake. Mary and I fought for the last piece (she won).

Lydia was so tired she slept through the whole experience. Abe put her on his lap several times and tried to shake and talk her awake, but she didn’t even open her eyes. Maybe our afternoon snack of alphabet cookies and clementines was laced with some sort of sleeping drug, because the minute I loaded them into the car (around 6:oopm), she was out. And she never woke up…when we got home, I just put her straight to bed.

After that chocolate cake, we said goodbye to Abe (since he was just passing through on his way up to Boise) and went to go pick up my mom from the airport. She looked so beautiful and radiant, and I am so happy to have her home again! (Although I don’t mind sharing her with you, Grandma!!) Mary remembered her too, and they spent the whole evening laughing and playing together.

Of course, I have pictures.

Mary and Mom and had a joyful reunion.

Hi Grandma! I love this scarf from Mom, and she said you’d want to see it on me. We are thinking about you and wish you were here!

Well, Alison (of Mormonmomma) got back to me today, and so I got the opportunity to revise my post so I feel slightly less hypocritical when she publishes it. Phew.

Other than that, today was a low-key day. Church was awesome, and every single talk in Sacrament meeting had me riveted. If every Sacrament meeting were like today’s, it would be my favorite hour of our three hour block. As Abe and I were discussing the talks on our way home, our neighbor waved to us. We rolled down the windows to chat, and he asked us what we learned in church. It felt great to spread the great messages we heard on gratitude and availing ourselves of Christ’s power in our lives.

Then we came home, ate lunch, napped, and bid Abe good-bye. I hate it when he leaves. After he’s gone, I’m okay, but the actual part where he leaves is no fun. I considered going on this trip with him, but that’s not possible because this is Thanksgiving week, and my mom is flying in tomorrow! Also, Clark and Swathi are coming on Wednesday, and I have friend plans on Tuesday. But for a minute, I hated the thought of Abe leaving so much that I almost forgot all that and considered packing us all into the car with him…

After he left, I lay in bed trying to figure out when I will get the time to make the ornaments I want to decorate this year’s tree with. Last year, Martha Stewart had a how-to for beautiful felt ornaments with a woodland theme. At the time, I couldn’t fit making those into my holiday schedule or budget, but I am determined to do it this year. The current game plan is to order all the felt, roving, and materials tomorrow and then squeeze the ornament-making in as soon as the stuff arrives. In my view, the point of being a stay-at-home mom is being able to find time for stuff like making my own child-friendly Christmas ornaments, so by golly, I WILL make it happen this year! (Last year, we decorated with some pretty “To and From” tags my mom picked up at the bookstore. I thought the tree looked beautiful, but I don’t think those tags will be in quite the same shape this year…)

Yesterday Misty called the house offering me an extra ticket to The Hunger Games movie. Since I have not charged my cell phone for a month and was in class, I didn’t get the message until I got home and it was too late. Darn! But the good news is, Abe had called three different babysitters for help today, and since none were available, Misty–who was up late due to The Hunger Games–agreed to babysit for us today. We love Misty.

The reason she had to babysit is because Kristin, one of our friends from Chicago got sealed to her husband, Adam, in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple today. It was a beautiful, joyful occasion. Adam joined the church after dating Kristin, and their sealing was so special to attend. Kristin looked beautiful and radiant, and Adam looked so comfortable and at-home that you would have thought he’d spent all of his life in the temple. To top it off, Abe and I got to see the Oquirrh Mountain Temple for the first time. It is stunning! I was hoping to find a link which even somewhat captured the view from the temple: Mountains literally surround it. No matter where you look, mountains dominate the scenery. It is spectacular. The link I attached does not do a smidgeon of justice to the setting, but at least you get to see what the temple looks like (on the outside).

Then we visited our friends at their reception afterward and ate our weight in delicious desserts. Before the sealing and during the reception, Abe and I hit it off with a senior missionary couple who had just returned from a mission in Chicago, where they had met our friends. This sweet, elderly, white couple from Utah would spend their nights walking around Englewood (in Chicago) to share the gospel. And they loved it–although they did admit to being uncomfortable at times. If you don’t know anything about Englewood, it’s one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Chicago, and you just don’t see older white people walking the streets there. Talk about getting out of your comfort zone! They were so fun to talk to, and Abe and I are looking forward to having dinner with them and our friends sometime in the not-too-distant future.

After that, we came home to discover Mary walking around and laughing delightedly with every step. I think she likes being around Max, who is the world’s sweetest, most unfussy baby. What great taste.

Then we dressed the girls in their Indian dresses and headed over to Diwali. Truth be told, both Abe and I just wanted a minute to rest, but some of our friends had gotten us tickets (unbeknownst to us), and so we kind of had to go. It was fun to see the Indian dancing, which has become one of my favorite things to watch. But to be honest, mainly I was stressed out at the thought of how the church was going to get clean before tomorrow morning. The woman in charge of making that happen had been up since 4:30 am working in the temple, and everyone else in attendance was not LDS and therefore, I assume, unfamiliar with our custom of cleaning up after every activity. I was also stressed because my kids had not eaten and the food was delayed, and hungry children aren’t generally easy to handle. Finally, we gave up waiting on the food, left early, and made a stop at Smith’s on the way home.

Turns out we might as well have stayed at Diwali because I was stumped in front of the sushi counter. By the time I made up my mind, both kids were wailing wrecks, and Lydia was so tired she cut dinner short and begged to be put to bed. She bargained herself out of a bath by promising to go potty instead, and five minutes later she was asleep in bed.

After they went to bed, I was in an extra grumpy mood because I discovered I have a C in my online menu class in cooking school!!!! Can you believe that? I missed a recent deadline because of an honest technical glitch, but I absolutely don’t expect the instructor to believe me. So I did the assignment I missed, but I am resigned to the fact that my grade will probably not go up much since I completely missed the deadline. I don’t think I have ever had a C in my life, and I can not believe the first one I get is going to come from cooking school.

Time for this grumpy lady to go to bed before additional sleep deprivation makes me extra grouchy.

Also, time for a Diwali picture dump. Mary spent the whole time racing around the church as fast as she could go (she was trying hard to run, but she can’t quite do that just yet), and Lydia spent the majority of it taking turns in her parents’ laps.