Author: lilydarais

Wednesday started off with the sweetest moment. I peeked into my closet to see Ammon sitting there quietly smiling to himself. When he saw me, he kind of hugged himself and whispered, “I had the most wonderful dream!”

“Aw, what happened?” I asked, delighted.

“I flied!!” he said, his eyes sparkling. Here is a video of him talking about it.

I about died of cuteness overload. And then I ran my phone and tried to recreate the moment by asking him to repeat himself for the video. It wasn’t quite the same, but I just never wanted to forget the magic of having my four year old tell me he had a wonderful dream where ”he flied.”

On Tuesday we had so much fun as a family in the afternoon. First we watched Ammon practice soccer, which is hilarious and all around highly entertaining. Well, at least I think so. The girls got bored and started playing hide and seek around the edge of the field, and Abe joined them.

Then we walked across the field to the tennis court where all the kids took their second tennis lesson. Ammon and Clarissa’s attention spans didn’t quite hold so they played in the playground while I watched them.

Then when the lesson was over, we all stayed after and played tennis together. Abe and I had parked the car right next to the court so we were actually able to play with each other while Ammon and Clarissa waited (very patiently, I must say) in the car. We could see them the whole time, and they could see us, so maybe that’s why they didn’t cry or complain? I don’t know why they were so good for that long, but I’ll take it. It was SO fun to play with Abe, and I can’t believe we haven’t ever played tennis in our ten years of marriage!

The only picture Abe took was this one he took at the psychologist’s today. We are getting a new psychologist’s for him, Lydia and me, and I am also getting a psychiatrist. I don’t know why Abe took this picture, but later when we were talking and I was telling him about some of my mental pain, he told me the new psychologist does EMDR, which I am very excited to try.

On Monday our next door neighbor, Paula, came over to teach Ammon and the girls how to dance. Ammon had his own lesson a couple hours before the girls because of his age and also because dancing is his favorite thing. Paula was so sweet and creative with all the kids, and I feel so lucky to have such talented neighbors.

Mary has been so good about getting her piano, school work, eye exercises, and reading practice done every day. She and Ammon have been playing so well together lately so I took a video. Truth be told, literally all of the kids want to play with Mary. Ammon and Clarissa regularly break down in–often hysterical–tears when she has to stop playing with them and go complete one of her tasks. And Lydia threw a fit just last week when Mary wouldn’t or couldn’t (I can’t remember which) play with her. Basically we all love Mary.

On Sunday morning we packed up all the kids’ bikes and scooters and went to the Utah Lake path. Mary is trying to learn how to ride a bike. She tried so hard and got two big scrapes on her knees. We we’re all so proud of her, and I was proud of Abe for all of his good coaching and pep talks. I watched the other kids and every so often I’d hear him coaching her as they zipped by us. In this video of Clarissa marveling at an ant on her hand Abe walks by, and I caught just a snippet of part of his pep talk at the end.

After the morning’s exertions were done, we did some errands and then visited my mom. We have to visit through a window because visitors are only allowed to visit two at a time outside, and it was also really hot outside. Here’s Mary showing Nana her knees.

On Saturday we drove to Bear Lake for the afternoon. On the way there we listened to The Great Brain which was so entertaining. It was like reading Tom Sawyer set in Utah. We felt like we were listening to a time capsule, and there were times Abe was laughing so hard I wondered if he could see where he was steering. The last time we listened to something everyone loved and laughed at so much was How to Train Your Dragon.

On the way back we finished the book and listened to Terry Tempest Williams’ newest book, Erosion: Essays of Undoing. After my book club I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to connect with the land. I wrote a list of authors who would make amazing mentors on this subject, and Terry Tempest Williams is at the top. I learn so much from her, but sometimes the outrage and sorrow her work evokes are too much for me to take in large quantities. As a dissenting Mormon who passionately loves Utah, she eviscerates the white patriarchy that dominates Utah’s politics and prostitutes Utah wilderness for profit. Utah will break your heart in a million unexpected, peculiar ways. Terry Tempest Williams captures them all.

But most of the day we spent enjoying Bear Lake and feeling grateful to live close-ish to this amazing place. It’s like the most incredible toddler pool imaginable. The shallow part of the lake extends soooooooo far out, the water is a clear, gorgeous color, and the sand is smooth and perfect for sandcastles. The Caribbean blue color of the lake is so startling against the ring of desert mountains around it. You feel like it shouldn’t exist, but since it does it feels like a special gift–an ecological nod to human children and their play.

And, though this has nothing to do with ecology, we love the chocolate raspberry shakes in the nearby store so much. Bear Lake is just fun.

After Monday’s meltdown, I was very, very easy on myself Tuesday. Abe and I had a looong talk about the purpose of life and parenting. Those talks always help me. I realized (again, sigh) that the purpose of parenting should be to help my children lead happy lives. I think a lot can go into that, but at the end of the day it isn’t too complicated either. And if I want them to be happy and kind to themselves I should probably model happiness and self-compassion myself.

On Monday I had what we’ll call it the worst day in a while. I think I hadn’t quite processed all of the recent stress and on Monday I just kind of blew.

Instead of going into the ugly details of what that looked like and so memorialize my maternal deficits for the duration this blog stays up and running, I will just say that by 4:30pm I had put myself in time out in the basement with all of the alcohol we have in the house (not much, and not great. Utah is the worst for buying liquor and because I don’t drink regularly I never feel like I want to prioritize it enough to drive all the way across town for anything good).

Thank goodness for friends and family. While I was sipping away Swathi called and was so wonderful to talk to, and then Clark called and was incredibly helpful too. Oh, and in the moment of my actual mid-day meltdown Chelsea called and suggested I put Lydia in physical school again, which was brilliant and which I promptly did.

And then when I was alone feeling so terrible, all of my Thrive friends jumped on Marco Polo and gave me the best polos ever. They shared wonderfully specific examples of times when they did similar things, felt similarly, and just made me feel not so crazy, deficient and alone. And, of course, I happen to be married to my favorite conversationalist ever, so after the kids were in bed Abe talked to me for a long, long time. By the time we were done talking I felt like I could maybe make it one more day.

Today was a big day. Lily and I were getting tired from everything, and especially Lily who had been helping her mom during the night. Georgia has been up and down, but to this point there was no major episode like what sent her to the hospital.

Lily spent a ton of time today with her mom working on paperwork for her admittance into Legacy Village. She also took her mom to get the Carona Virus test. The whole process was a complete joke. The “Test Utah” organization will only test people under super specific circumstances and “An Elderly woman with intensive medical needs cannot move into her care center without this test” apparently isn’t enough. So Lily had to lie and say she had certain Covid symptoms (but not other because then they would send Georgia to the hospital and not test her there). Fortunately Lily was coached up by the lady at Test Utah about what to input in their system so Georgia could get tested. Lily half-jokingly said thank goodness she was the one doing that and not me because I would have a panic attack. I say half jokingly, because she’s quite right. I get very stressed bending the truth even a little, even if it is the obviously right thing to do.

In the afternoon, I bought new bike shoes for my road bike, and I also bought a new shower chair and a beautiful new recliner for Georgia. The recliner is made for elderly people with medical needs and it has a remote to control it. I felt happy hoping Georgia would like it. On the way home, I got pizza and ice cream for the family. Through all of the this, Lily and I have neglected the kids quite a bit, but at least they are eating happily :). Also, I did manage to play GoFish with them earlier in the day. They were were excited about it because Suzanne had recently taught them how to play.

In the evening, the kids made a huge mountain out of pillows and blankets and played with stuffed animals on their “mountain”. I love those kids! They have been so sweet, self-sufficient and fun during this difficult time.

Today, we had had lots and lots of processing and dialogue between Georgia, Lily, me, Clark and Swathi. We talked a lot about what to do for Georgia. We discussed care center options, home-care options, building out the new room for Georgia etc etc. Georgia seemed to prefer the idea of a care center because of the peace, order, care and simplicity of that solution, but Lily, Clark and I had a lot of conversation as we explored our own feelings on what was best. At the end of the night, Lily felt very strongly that we should keep Georgia here, close to family and home. Clark definitely preferred the idea of her being at home. I was back and forth. All of us wanted Georgia to make her own decision at the end of the day. One complication with the care at home strategy is that the noise is such a problem for her and she would need to endure a construction project at home for her new room to be built out.

On Saturday Abe and I slept in, got the kids ready, did yoga together, fed everyone brunch, cleaned up, and made sure the girls had their music practice done before hopping in the car for a day trip to Cedar Breaks National Monument. Below is a picture, and here is a video of the kids in the car before leaving. Clarissa and Ammon have been obsessed with saying BooBoo Bottom and Underpants lately. BooBoo Bottom comes from The Book with No Pictures by B.J. Novack. I’m not sure where underpants came from….

I have basically been an emotional wreck all week. On the three hour drive there I felt despair about the environment, our nation’s political situation, anti-science mindsets, anti-historical-reality mindsets, and pervasive racism everywhere. And during moments when the kids were all making–albeit mostly cheerful–noise at the same time in the small space of one moving vehicle, I began to wonder why such chaotic, messy life embedded in an irredeemably unjust world is worth living.

I actively wondered that for about twenty minutes before Abe articulately explained why our particular life is amazing and how, even though the world might be toxic, we don’t need to focus on that. Lydia timed our one and a half hour conversation, and by the end I was feeling a little more optimistic about life.

And then we arrived in Cedar Breaks National Monument, and wow did it surprise us all! We were not expecting how beautiful it was. Honestly I hadn’t even so much as googled on photo of Cedar Breaks, and while we were driving in the rain almost vertically up the slippery mountain road, I was feeling certain that nothing could be worth the drive. But when we got there, we saw this:

Yes, it was worth it. If the view isn’t enough, the smell was over the top. I have not smelled air that fragrant with pine–perhaps in my whole life?? Right after the rain everything was just giving off the most incredible scents, and our hike was a series of marvelous olfactory delights.

In fact I am wondering if we should go back next weekend because on our hike I made us all turn around at the halfway mark because I was scared the hike would turn into something much longer than we had time for. When we finally reached a map (back at the parking lot) I realized that if we had just kept going, we would have descended into a gorgeous loop. We’ll just have to go back I guess.