Author: lilydarais

Today Abe came up in the middle of the day wanting to talk. The night before I had been very negative about the racism in the Book of Mormon, and he felt really attacked and unsafe in his faith.

While Abe was talking, I realized that I need to be less toxic about things when I talk. But when the issue of racism came up, I basically just started bawling. I really struggle with the idea that we immerse our kids regularly in white supremacist scripture, even though when I listen to Abe explain it to the kids he turns it into the most beautiful, principled teaching. It’s like alchemy or something. Nevertheless, on principle, it is just really, really hard for me to know that the racism and God-sanctioned genocide in the Book of Mormon is surmountable because of all the other good things one can extract from the text. Personally, I wish we could find a way to transmit all of the other good things to our kids without dousing them in racism too. So anyway, at the point when Abe was saying “I know the racism in the Book of Mormon is a problem, but…” I basically broke into hysterical, ugly crying and couldn’t stop.

And at that point, Abe had some sort of light bulb moment when he could hear himself saying, “I know racism is a problem but,” and in that moment he resolved to do he hard work of rewiring his conscience to be authentically anti-racist. I was so grateful, so relieved, and so in admiration of his introspective capacity and desire to grow. Thank you, Abe.

Abe and I have very different philosophies and approaches to travel. In addition to navigating our faith journey, we are enjoying the bonus of exciting conversations around negotiating these differences too. Woohoo!

All joking aside, working things out with Abe, while hard for both of us when we have strong feelings on a subject, is its own type of joy. He is wise, rational, level-headed, a great listener, introspective, self-aware, and unfailingly kind. And when he’s talking,half the time I am wondering why I feel any differently because he articulates himself so persuasively and well.

Abe values routine and comfort more than going new spiritual, mental, or physical spaces. He functions better when he is operating within his usual rhythm, and we feel equally invested in his health–so giving space for his routines is something we both want. And his reference point for international travel is that he never did it until college, and when he did take a Europe trip with his friends it was extremely uncomfortable for him. He felt guilty about spending the money and out of his comfort zone encountering new cultures and people and places. So for him, international travel is uncomfortable–and for our kids, mostly unnecessary.

My reference point is pretty different because my family spent two months every summer traveling, and every other year we spent those months abroad. My dad also spent a semester teaching in Italy, so I did preschool there–and my parents put a lot of energy into camping with their very young children all around Europe. Although I don’t remember much from those earliest trips, travel always felt like a part of life’s regular rhythm. In college I did three study abroads and traveled with friends and with my cousin, and I always assumed I would raise my kids with the same travel patterns my parents gifted me.

Up until now, international travel has not been a financial possibility (or if it has, I have not been creative enough to figure it out!). But now that it is, we have another issue to surmount, which is time. Abe can not take more than two and a half weeks (at the very most) off from work, and I can’t imagine compressing an international trip into that amount of time, especially considering that by the time I was Lydia’s age I had spent almost a year abroad.

Last year we fixed the time issue by just having Abe join us for just part of our summer trip, but when I imagine toting four young children through Europe by myself, my heart fails me just a bit. Ammon, who is addicted to wandering off on his own any time we are in public, would most certainly get lost. Or Clarissa, who always wants to immerse herself in water, would end up in the Thames, the Seine, the Arno or the Danube.

And having meaningful conversations about art or history with the older girls would be impossible because all of my energy would be directed at keeping my younger kids alive and in one piece.

The only solution I can think of is to take the older girls and hire a day-time nanny for the younger kids here at home, and then have Abe and the younger kids join us for part of the trip. Ever since I’ve landed on this solution, my heart kind of does this somersault when I am cuddling or reading to or playing with or watching Ammon and Clarissa. I keep remembering a line from Lincoln in the Bardo when one of the ghosts says of her three children, “They were London, they were Paris, they were Rome!” (or some phrase like that.)

Would I rather be staring at a painting or watching my babies grow? For me, personally, I’d be content to just watching my babies and never leave my home again. Reading widely largely fill that travel thirst for me, and my kids delight me in ways I never imagined before motherhood–and this delight repeats itself multiple times a day, every day.

But I really can’t imagine having Lydia and Mary being almost graduated by the time we finally take them abroad. That sounds insane, especially since Lydia has always been intensely interested in other cultures and Mary is a little budding artist who loves art museums.

So anyway, right now the plan is for me to take them abroad for a month or so while Abe works and keeps to his routine, and Abe and the little kids will meet up with us in Greece and Israel. Of course, we are going to have to wait until the travel bans are lifted and the pandemic is under control. It’s hard to know when that will be, but we’re tentatively planning this trip for the spring of 2021.

So basically the picture is of us planning our trip, which we have spent a lot of time doing this week.

Here is another picture of the girls Abe took outside. They picked the first tomato of the season this week!

Clarissa video

Here is a video of Clarissa on the horse.

Here is a video of Clarissa helping with the biscuits.

Here is a video of Ammon and Clarissa learning the letter E.

Here is a video of Ammon’s roar!

Clark, Swathi, Soren, and Meera left at 4am this morning and Ammon wandered into our room frowning.

“Where’s Soren?” he asked.

“Soren had to go to his home, Ammon. He’s in Seattle.”

“Oh, no!! That wasn’t supposed to be for more days,” he pouted.

I had the sad job of informing him he miscalculated the calendaring, and then assured him that we would see his cousins again soon (hopefully!!!).

Then Abe and I daydreamed about things we want to do after the pandemic. It’s so sad because right now Abe can work from anywhere in the world…but for obvious reasons, we are home bound. After daydreaming a lot, I spent a lot of time googling Airstream remodels.

We also cleaned the house. Abe went to help his aunt with some phone issues and did the grocery shopping while he was out. He also played basketball with the kids in the evening. It was sweet looking out the window at all these people I love having fun outside together. I also read more in my book, How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy. I got really excited when I checked the back cover and discovered the author is half Filipino like me! I can count on one hand the half white-half-Filipinos I have met in my lifetime, and I always feel resonance. I don’t know if it’s my bias, but I am loving the book.

Also Abe got a cute picture of Ammon playing in the basement. He was building a maze.

In the evening we all drove to Heber and hiked the Cottontail loop trail. It was much, much more accessible than last week’s Silver Lake climb. Both Abe and I independently thought it reminded us of an Audoban trail we visited in New Mexico. I think it reminded us of that one because it was so peaceful and there was no one around.

Here is a video of the kids jumping.

In the morning Abe and I attempted the 500 workout, only for us it was more like a 350 workout. We did seven ten rep increments of push-ups, burpees (I hate those), squats, sit-ups, and supermans. By the end Abe was late to work and Clarissa was crying so we had to cut it short.

A little later Lydia had fun taking a selfie of herself in Nana’s chair.

For home preschool Ammon and Clarissa worked with pincers to sort some plastic fruit into a pie, and then they started fighting. So I put Clarissa on the iPad and worked with Ammon on letters, spelling and reading. When I tried to read him a book, he interrupted by reciting it to me. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs as told by Ammon is so adorable and I should have caught it on video. But I was so appreciative that he assumed everybody would want to witness his feat and repeated it for whole family at lunch time. It was so cute.

After lunch we did a couple more hours watching videos about Australia and talking about Australia. Each kid researched the country separately and then took turns teaching us all what they had learned. The girls were enthralled with what they were learning and Ammon’s imagination has been captured by Australian animals and the cultures of Australia’s islander neighbors. He especially likes the New Zealand Haka and the Fijian fire dancers. Also Lydia kept getting up to eat more Vegemite. She has a very adventurous palate.

Here is a video.

Ammon wanted to take pictures and told me to smile for the picture below.

After we were done researching we all went up to watch Jack Randall interact with Australian animals. Ammon has every part of the shows memorized and narrated to me everything that was about to happen the whole time. I loved cuddling with my kids.

Then Mary had her piano lesson, and when Abe was done with work, he took Ammon, Clarissa and Lydia to fly kites. The wind was good and they got two kites up and had a good time.

At home I organized the pantry and was salivating over everything because I did a twenty one hour fast on the heals of a 24 hour fast today. I was DYING. So when Abe came home I decided to eat–a LOT.

After that I read more of Bill Bryson’s Down Under to the girls and did a relaxation narrative with them before heading out to walk with Abe. He is so fun to walk and talk with, and I love that time so much. He is going through a lot with the end of quarter work pace stress but he is such a graceful, kind, and thoughtful person–even when things are stressful for him. I love him so much.

This was my favorite kind of day, and I am so excited for tomorrow!

On Wednesday I did my second 24 hour fast of the week and it felt really good. I also did yoga and biked in the morning, but I didn’t get my heart rate up very high so the exercise didn’t feel masochistic (which was basically how the entire month of April felt).

Mary finished her math class yesterday. I have no words to express how grateful I am that nightmare is over. She got so behind while I was sick and has the attention span of a goldfish, so playing catch up–while also doing eye therapy, piano, and constipation therapy–has been so stressful.

(Actually, I don’t even know why this was so stressful because she spends most of the day with my mom working and coloring, so my mom basically got her caught up. And since her attention span is so short and the Miralax-induced bodily flow leaves her exhausted, we’ve been very easy-going about piano and eye stuff for the past couple weeks too. So again, I remain confused about why the situation felt so stressful. Nevertheless, IT WAS.)

My mom is an angel with Mary, who is a little love sponge and spends almost all of her free time with her very loving Nana. I am so grateful for all my mom does for her. It’s a ton. Thank you, Mom!!

Mary, in turn, is an angel with Clarissa. Clarissa looooooves her–and she has caught on that she can get Mary to do whatever she wants. Lately she has started bossing Mary around a lot. In response, Mary is extremely patient, loving and kind. When I hear them together, I honestly start to worry Clarissa is being spoiled because the minute she whines or says “no,” Mary appeases her in the most soothing, sweet tones. I actually intervened yesterday when Clarissa was being unreasonably demanding. I told her to stop bossing Mary around and told Mary she is allowed to say “no” to Clarissa. Mary said, “It’s fine, Mom. I’m fine.” She appears to not mind being controlled by a toddler. I am wowed by Mary’s loving heart often, but yesterday I was freshly impressed at how easily and generously she gives.

Lydia recreated Rene Magritte’s Son of Man using medical underpads for the blue background.

Lydia also earned a grab bag for running a mile without stopping! Abe ran with her. I am so proud of her!

I had the BEST evening walking around the block and neighborhood with Ammon. We spent an hour just walking and talking. (He did almost all of the talking). At the end we played a little game he made up in front of the house. I am not sure exactly what the game was, but I was supposed to push imaginary buttons that made him run through the sprinkler. It was a gorgeous evening and it was such a delight to just focus on Ammon without distractions. He is the most darling, funny, sweet boy. I love him so much.

After I tucked him in, Abe and I watched our new favorite show, Designated Survivor. It is so, so good.

Also, here is a book Mary made for a belated Mother’s day gift for Suzanne: