On Thursday I took Lydia to her harp lesson while I let the kids play on the playground and read a book on mixed faith marriage.
Then we came home and in the afternoon I went to physical therapy. And I can’t remember anything else about this day!
In the morning I had to drop the van off for recall work. So we were home most of the day–hence the puppet show. I took Ammon with me to drop off the van, and it was really fun hanging out with him and taking the shuttle home. He is so friendly and tried to make friends with everyone in the shuttle.
I know I write that I’ve been grumpy a lot recently, and I don’t know if that’s because the steroids are in my system, or if I’m sleep deprived from too much caffeine and steroids, or if I am just exhausted thinking so much about faith transitions, but in any case, I was not patient with my kids today. Again. Sigh.
But I took them to the park while Lydia had her harp lesson, then home, then the splash pad for Mary’s first grade meet-up, dropped Lydia off at a pool party, cleaned the house top to bottom, did a ton of laundry, and managed Clarissa, who fell asleep on the way home from the splash pad and never slept again. She was a disaster.
Also, Ammon forgot my name today. I think I’ve been gone or checked out so much that he honestly forgot who I was. I have barely interacted with him for days, I guess. He was trying to talk to me at the splash pad while I was chatting with another mom, and after repeating himself a bunch he tugged on my shirt and said, very earnestly, “Um, what’s your name?” I replied, “Ammon, I’m your mom.” Matter-of-factly he said, “Oh. I need to go potty!” I guess I need to read to him more.
In a little bit here Abe and I are going out with our friends, the Harmons. In the meantime, here’s a picture I took of the girls at the splash pad:
On Sunday we attended the Community of Christ, which is the church Emma started when Brigham Young took the saints west after Joseph Smith died. I grew up thinking the Community of Christ wasn’t even in the running for “one true church” status because they’ve had so many financial troubles. In LDS church, we unofficially but ubiquitously preach “prosperity gospel,” which basically says that if you are good, God will prosper you in the land. So good Mormons are rich. And a lot of Mormons are actually rich, and the church is unbelievably rich. With that mindset it just makes sense that the church has “prospered” because it is True. At least, that seemed like an obvious connection to me at the time.
Anyway, with prosperity gospel and One True Church off the table for me, I approached Community of Christ in a completely different mindset. And it turns out, they are the only healthy restorationist church! Women are ordained, they are not racist, they are open about church history, and they are committed to humanitarian service. Go, Emma, go!! John Hamer has, through the Community of Christ, created “Church for the unchurched” up in Toronto. He was in town for Sunstone, and I made Abe go up to him and talk to him between sessions while I chased around the kids. He was so nice and open. Attending at least one service of his church is on my personal bucket list now.
At one point during the service, there was a coloring activity for everyone. We were supposed to draw our spiritual homes with provided paper and crayons. I have no spiritual home and drew nothing. In the meantime, Abe could only picture our home ward, over and over. It was fun to watch elderly men with white beards color their spiritual homes right alongside children who did the same.
Everything was about inclusion. Even the sacrament had gluten free bread for those who needed it, and there was water for those who felt uncomfortable with grape juice. And the sermon was super inclusive. Joseph Smith’s descendant talked about his own doubts and disbelief and the peace he has made with his own individual spiritual journey.
Honestly, two hours of sacrament was too long for Abe and me, especially after the one hour of Sunday school right before (during which time our kids attended their primary). I think Abe is spoiled by 2 hour church, and I am spoiled by no church! So we took off after the sacrament and didn’t get a chance to join the Community of Christ for their lunch afterward. I guess every Sunday they follow their 3 hours of service with lunch. It really is a community, and people like being with each other so much it seems as though they spend the whole day together! (They have up to five hours of church in John Hamer’s Toronto church, but it is totally a la carte.) Anyway, Abe and I enjoyed it very much and then took off early to eat, return home, and enjoy the rest of our day together.
This day at Sunstone I went to sooooo many incredible presentations. I went to a presentation on Joseph Smith’s relationship with the freemasons, and specifically to Abraham Jonas. That was interesting. I also went to a presentation on how to bring Richard Rohr’s theology into the LDS church, a beautiful presentation on why people stay in the church (that one had me in tears), a presentation on people who have healed through supplementing their LDS experience by another church, a presentation by Michael Quinn on the persistence of post second manifesto plural marriage among LDS women, and had a really nice conversation at lunch with a lovely septegenarian couple who are active LDS.
In the evening Abe took Ammon to father’s and sons, which was really good for Ammon. Ammon has been watching tv nonstop with his babysitters so it was great for him to get out in nature with Abe.
While they were at father’s and sons, I had fun with the girls in the back yard. I just relaxed and chatted with them, which was nice because normally I don’t have energy or time to just sit there and talk with them. They ate too much ice cream while we talked, but it was fun.
On Thursday I was gone all day to Sunstone. I went to a presentation by LDS poets about the intersection between poetry and prophecy. Anciently, prophets were often poets charged with speaking truth to power (e.g., Isaiah!), and in our church we have made the prophet the source of power. So he can’t really speak truth to himself. Then I went to a presentation on philosophy, presented by a woman who might have known my dad when she studied philosophy at Loyola! After that I had a fun lunch conversation with a man I met on Wednesday night and talked about our respective faith journeys and current beliefs. It was such a relief to find other live people on faith journeys, I really can’t even express. And then I went to a presentation from John Hamer on church for the unchurched. What he is doing in Toronto is spectacular.
I came home early so Abe could take Mary to her eye doctor and piano lesson. He took this picture of Mary on their outing. She was so excited because after he took her to dinner on a special daddy-daughter date.
On Wednesday at 4 the babysitter came so I could go to the Sunstone welcome dinner and the talk Reza Azlan gave. He was amazing! My favorite part of his talk was when he compared religion to a well. It’s just a well to get to the water of spiritual transcendence and connection. Also, the well is made up of metaphors and rituals we use to express our transcendence and connection to ourselves and each other. He tries to educate his children so they are fluent in all religious language and does not care what well they choose as long as they drink water.
I also enjoyed the dinner. Normally I get anxious about social situations, but honestly I am so spiritually confused and desperate to connect over that confusion, I threw it all to the wind and just talked to whoever was at my table. They were all interesting, delightful people.
This day was pretty laid back. Lydia went on an outing with the Activity Day Girls to This is the Place park for a tea party and just fun at the park. The other three kids played with each other and then we went to the splash pad in the afternoon.
On Sunday I felt kind of silly sitting at home reading about God instead of being with my family at church. It seemed ridiculous and ironic that I was reading about God instead of supporting my family and connecting with my neighbors!
But I so strongly dislike so much of the language and theology that is used and taught at church. So I don’t know if I want to go and just feel upset for two hours. After church I talked with Abe and said maybe we could work something out where we church hop on fast Sundays and then I’ll go with them on a different Sunday each month, just so we’re not always apart at church.
Abe left on another work trip in the afternoon, which always makes me sad and nervous. I always worry he’s going to get in a car crash or a plane crash or something. It was a bit of a tough evening, and the kids felt it too. After they were tucked in, I heard Mary crying in her room so I checked on her. I asked why she was crying and she sobbed that she didn’t know. She was just sad. So I gave her long cuddles and explained to her and Lydia that I’ve been on steroids all week for my foot, that steroids sometimes make you angry or aggressive, and that I’m sorry for being unpleasant so much. Mary kept saying that wasn’t the reason she was crying, but I felt really guilty because I’m sure all of the negative energy I’ve been putting out gets absorbed by my family on some level. Anyway, after everyone was happy again I went back and watched Mormon stories interviews until past midnight. The history of the Church is so, so bizarre and fascinating. I could barely close my computer because I was totally riveted.
On Saturday Abe and Josh took the kids to the Utah desert to find rocks for the garden. I stayed home and read and wasted time. Abe is leaving for most of the week on Sunday, so it was really nice to have some down time before he goes.
These are the pictures he took!
The car fell into a mud hole. Abe built a bridge out of sage brush and pushed the car out single handedly. He is a stud.
