Author: lilydarais

On Tuesday I spent the morning playing and reading to Ammon and Clarissa. I love those little humans so much. It was fun to dance with them, chase them, play hide and seek, and read until my throat felt dry and tickly. Even though I felt exhausted by 11am and put Clarissa down for her nap early because I just couldn’t do more, I felt full.

I also spent a lot of energy on Facebook, trying to summon up all of the love and forgiveness my heart is capable of in order to respond to a post that felt very hurtful to me. It came from someone I love and respect, so that made it hard. But I kept returning to my phone over and over and over to analyze my feelings, follow the threads, and type out thoughts. I think the thread was very loving and respectful, and it ended up bringing together some sisters from my mission. It’s always great to be in touch with that crowd.

Lydia screamed for an hour during harp practice, but I was so proud of myself. I kept repeating to myself that the only thing that matters is love, and I didn’t scream back!!! I was dangerously quiet and at times obviously upset, but this new understanding of love worked to help keep me from screaming. I am grateful for the baby steps of progress. They give me hope that I can actually grow and someday, change.

In the evening Abe took the girls around the neighborhood in the pouring rain to canvas for their upcoming school fun run. I stayed home, read Mary Oliver essays, and typed away on my book. I don’t think I’ll use a word of what I’ve written so far in the actual book, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

In the morning I met up with a mission friend, Alainna, in Pleasant Grove for a play date at a park. It was beautiful weather and it was wonderful to catch up.

Then I came home, put Clarissa down for a nap, and read  A New Constellation. Right after I read the sweetest email from Linda Hoffman Kimball, my old seminary teacher. She co-founded MWEG and Segullah, and she reached out to me because of some of my Exponent FB posts. Her email detailed her own faith journey, which felt more similar to mine than any I have encountered so far. The thing about faith journeys is that everyone’s looks different. When you are in the center of your faith, it’s kind of fun to know you all believe the same basic things together. A journey feels pretty lonely sometimes, and even when other people are on the journey at the same time, theirs often looks so different than mine.

That was not the case with Linda’s, which just was so resonant. I cried through her email and then sobbed through the poem she sent me. I’ll paste it at the end.

In the evening I picked up Alainna again and we drove to meet our friend Jen for dinner in Draper. We talked for three hours about our faith journeys. It was so wonderful to connect with each of them. I love them. I read them Linda’s poem over dinner. Here it is:

A Missive from the Field March 2019
Linda Hoffman Kimball
I came here because God was pretty emphatic
that I should join this crowd.
Lead me on, Lord. Take my hand.
They seemed as kind and good as the congregation
I already loved with its choir robes, Fellowship Hour
and Old Rugged Cross.
I came to their new font humming “Jesus Loves Me, This I know” –
The song which had nourished me for years like Mother’s milk.
No one else here knew the words.
Decades later this new place is still strange.
I find God cloaked in odd attire.
I don’t know why they dress Him up in
These unbecoming disguises –
Grumpy as a grandpa if He doesn’t get His way,
Fussy about particulars, preoccupied with shoulders, roles and restrictions.
God knows what I’m going through.
We keep in very close touch,
And we’re patient with each other for the most part.
A sense of humor goes a long way for both of us.
I still see Him in action often here, selfless and gushing with grace,
Although I think they might call it something else.
I haven’t adopted the accent.
God is apparently just fine with who I am.
We’re still lovingly cheek to jowl (metaphorically speaking.
These folks take everything so LITERALLY!)
But I do long for my old spiritual home cooking and spices.
These folks, nice as they are, don’t quite know what to make of me.
I check in regularly, making sure I’m still where God wants me.
“Yep,” God says. “You’re good….
or as this crowd might say ‘Carry on.’”

On Friday we were still spring cleaning. Abe went to Lowe’s with the kids  while I did something…maybe I was working out? I can’t remember. Oh! I know. I video chatted with my friend Ashley, because we are trying to write a book together.

Then in the evening we went on a date with Lucas and Kim to Kohinoor. I basically spent an hour talking nonstop about my faith journey, but they were the NICEST people and just were so kind to listen. Normally talking so passionately would send me into a fit of anxiety afterward, but so far I haven’t felt any. Honestly, if I think about it too much I might, so I’m going to stop writing about it now.

Thursday Abe stayed home for spring break. We woke up later than planned and ended up taking Ammon and Clarissa on a run in the buddy bubble. On the run we bumped into Abby, and then later her mom. It was so fun.

It was a beautiful day and Abe really worked hard to clean our garage. We also organized our closet and downstairs. It seems so sad that we didn’t really do anything especially exciting over spring break, but honestly every time I look around the house I am so glad we cleaned. It is such a relief to not feel *quite* so oppressed by clutter.

On Wednesday we went to a casual baby shower for our friend, Amy. My mom came too and it was fun to chat with all of the women, even if I had to leave conversations mid-sentence many times to chase Clarissa all around the church.

On Tuesday the girls got busy on Mary’s book report. They made the poster almost entirely on their own. Lydia typed the text into my mom’s computer while Mary dictated, and together they put the poster together. It took a lot of time and came out so great.

The only problem was that the glitter glue dripped when we moved the poster someplace safe to dry. Mary was sad because she didn’t like the effect, but I think the drips look like rain drops–and that’s appropriate, because the book is about a garden!

Then in the afternoon I took the kids to the Museum of Natural Curiosity. It was so much easier than usual, and I don’t know why. Normally bathroom breaks are a crisis and I always lose my kids. Well, I guess I lost a couple kids at various points, but for some reason I figured they were fine and it didn’t stress me out like it normally does. And they were fine and I found them minutes later each time, so it all worked out.

On Friday Abe left for a ski weekend with his friend, Jon. Jon’s wife, Shirley, arranged for a bunch of Jon’s friends to spend a couple days in Park City skiing. She is, I learned from her wedding, a superb creator and organizer of delightful experiences. I was so grateful Abe got to spend time with his friend and have such a great time.

Since it was the last week of the quarter, Abe couldn’t go up until after work on Friday. (Also, he made his quota!!! That’s huge because he’s been breaking himself to turn his team around, and it was just a huge relief.)

My friend, Jill Campbell, came over to spend the night. She had a leadership meeting for the MWEG conference, and since the big conference was Saturday, she just spent the night. It was so fun to see her and catch up!

Monday was the first day of Spring break, and Abe took a personal day off. We had grand plans to clean, and I think we cleaned a little, but for some reason we didn’t get a lot done in that department. We did do errands though, and Mary picked out her book for her book report.

It was April Fool’s Day and Abe kept saying silly things to the kids that made them laugh all day.

On Sunday afternoon we went over to the Blosils’ house for home church. There were a lot of people there, and everyone was SO nice to the kids. Nic taught a lesson that included the kids acting out Peter walking on the waves to Jesus. Ammon was Peter and took the part so seriously. It was too cute.

Then we had a delicious lunch that made us want to buy a Traeger grill. Abe grilled some trout we had brought with us on the grill and it was… oh my goodness, so good. Also, Alex Blosil is a chef and made the most amazing sourdough bread ever.

Then in the evening the two younger kids, Abe and I walked all around delivering ward checks to people. Abe and I were discussing my faith journey and negotiating through the pain this causes him.

When we came home he decided to read the CES letter to better understand some of my concerns about the Church. I have so many theological, historical, and moral concerns, and honestly the CES letter just hits the highlights. But at the same time, my lived experience of the Church has been awesome, so full of blessings, friends, community, and faith. So that’s a tension I am working out in my heart and soul.

Abe was up until past midnight reading, and then he got up at 4:30am to go to the temple. I don’t know how he does it.

On Saturday so much happened. In the morning the babysitter, Anna, came over and then my mom and I headed to the MWEG (Mormon Women for Ethical Government) conference. It was so amazing and inspiring! We went to a workshop on loving your enemy and learned more about MWEG and how we could be more active citizen advocates. We also listened to several accomplished women speak, which was very motivating and uplifting.

Maybe my favorite part was running into my friend, Ellen Henneman. I knew her back when Abe and I were first married and living in Chicago. We have kept up online and have had more contact recently as it has become apparent that we share very similar political and religious paradigms. It literally felt like a shock of joy to see her in person (she lives in Washington and flew down for the conference).

Then we came home, and I kept the kids alive until bedtime. (Well, Clarissa kept bugging Bazi and got bitten and scratched…)

Then at 7 we had the first meeting of a book club a friend and I organized. It was an online meeting and it was SO CATHARTIC. We called the book club “the doorkeeper’s book club” after the Richard Rohr concept of doorkeeping. We connected on Zoom and had the best conversation about our faith journeys. Sometimes a faith journey can feel profoundly lonely, and I often wonder if I am crazy or evil. It was WONDERFUL to get together with friends and realize that these intelligent, beautiful souls share my very same feelings. It was awesome.

In the middle of the book club, Abe called. He was stuck in the mountains with a flat tire. He didn’t have any flashlights in his car, so I raced to find some and drive them up to him. I met up with him on the side of the road in the canyon and talked his ears off while he heroically changed the tire, which had fused on the car from rust. I kept suggesting we just leave it and call Triple A, but Abe never gives up and persisted until the problem was solved. He is the epitome of grit.

As soon as we got back, my friend Jen from the book club started texting me and then told me that my friend Candace’s husband had just died. I couldn’t believe the text and immediately called Candace.

That was one of the hardest calls. Really, I don’t feel comfortable blogging about my dear friend’s tragedy. It is horrible what she and her children are suffering. I really don’t have any words.