Today was one of the happiest days of my life. My work week was exceptionally hard through a combination of work difficulty and feeling fatigued and burnt out. Playing Wingspan with Lily and us feeling exceptionally in love with each other lately has been what has kept me alive. The recharge after my work week today, I started the day with a 1:45 minute bike-ride. While riding, I thought a lot about intention and trying to live my life more intentionally. I then started thinking about the day ahead of me and what intentions I would like to bring to bear during the day. In those moments, I feel like God spoke to me that today would be a really good day to help Clarissa learn how to ride her bike. When I got home, I shared my thoughts with Lily and she fully supported the idea.
I took Clarissa to a paved area at Orem elementary school mid-day to try to teach her to bike-ride. We tried last year and didn’t get very far because she was so terrified of the sensation of falling and trying to balance, that she would never pedal after I let go of her. This year I had the idea that maybe her Schwinn bike is harder to steer than Ammon’s bike, so I tried to teach her on Ammon’s bike.
We spent an hour and fifteen minutes with me pushing her and then letting go and she getting scared and falling because she didn’t pedal. She tried and tried and tried and tried, but could never get up the courage to try to pedal on her own. We tried seemingly everything, including riding on the grass so falling would be softer. Still she would get scared and wouldn’t pedal so that she could keep her balance.
She then suggested we try a church parking lot that had more space to ride (and fewer people). It was good timing, because I wanted to stop by our house for a potty break, and get her bike and see if we had any more luck.
After stopping by the house, she fell asleep in the car on the way over to the church parking lot off of 800 S and 200 W. I transferred her to the grass so she could get some rest, since it was such a big day for her. Isn’t she cute!
While she rested, I was busily researching how to teach bike-riding. I have a bad habit of often just thinking I know how to do things when I really don’t and not looking to people who are actually experts in the category. I was feeling humbled though because at the church parking lot, I got very frustrated with Clarissa and I told her directly that she wasn’t trying very hard and that I wanted her to try hard. I felt really bad for saying that statement to her when my patients ran up. I was getting very frustrated at 30+ times of letting go, and her getting scared and not pedaling. In my research I learned that it’s often best to let kids practice balancing first without pedals, with their seats low, so they can stride with their feet pushing off on the ground, gradually going faster and faster with bigger and bigger strides. That helps the child get the sense of balancing before trying to do it with pedals.
I felt very sorry for reproaching Clarissa, and started to feel like I was just simply asking her to do something that she wasn’t ready for. I had been over the top supportive and encouraging throughout the whole time at Orem Elementary, but when my patience ran out, I let my frustration show, and I could tell she was sad when I voiced my disappointment. Still, she seemed to try harder when I questioned how hard she was trying. It’s such a right balance to get!
After about 20 minutes, I woke Clarissa up, and we went back to the house to see if I could find tools to lower the seat of her bike, and also to take the pedals off. I did not have any tools that would remove pedals, so at that point I apologized to Clarissa and I also gave her a choice.
“Clarissa’ I said, “I want to apologize that I said you were not trying very hard. You have been so brave to try over and over and over, and while you were sleeping I researched and learned that it’s best to learn how to balance first without pedals. So maybe it’s not that you weren’t trying very hard, but that I’m just asking you to do something that you aren’t ready for, and that’s my fault. Also, I’m sorry I said you weren’t trying very hard. Only you know how hard you are trying. No one else can really know that.” I actually felt grateful for the words that came to mind. It felt like God helping me express what was in my heart.
Then I asked Clarissa if she wanted to try again another day after I could figure out how to take the pedals off, or if she wanted to keep trying with the pedals. She wanted to keep trying with the pedals!! Even though I was frustrated that every time I let go, she would get scared, not pedal, and fall, I was incredibly impressed, and bursting with joy that the only thing she wanted to do after failing was to just get on her bike and just try again. Even when I gave her the option to be done, she just wanted to keep trying.
She later told me that she felt really motivated by the prizes I was promising. I told her that if she learned how to ride her bike she would get ice cream at Menchies, a Menchies stuffed animal and a 3D printed dragon (Lydia and Mary have one and they are all the rage at Foothill elementary right now). I felt so proud at Clarissa’s tenacity to never give up and keep trying in pursuit of a goal or a reward.
And so, we tried again on Clarissa’s bike this time in the church parking lot. Clarissa had given a great suggestion to change locations to the church parking lot. The lot was empty and it had tons of space to work with. Still though, Clarissa was so scared and she simply would not pedal. I energetically encouraged her to not be afraid of falling. She was wearing wrist, elbow, and knee pads (and they had already proven their value 30+ times). Clarissa’s fear of falling was what was holding her back, but she just could not overcome it. She would just freeze every time I let go and fall. I finally told her something like, “Clarissa, just to help you not be afraid of falling, I’ll tell you what. If you get a booboo that has blood, I will get you a second dragon. That way you don’t need to be afraid of falling because if you have a bad fall a really good thing will happen!”. Still, Clarissa continued to freeze, not pedal, and fall.
At one point, I lost my patients again. I threw my hands behind my head with my elbows out, and just starting walking towards the car and said, “I’m going home. I’m done. If you aren’t going to really try, we are wasting our time.” I probably took 15 steps away from Clarissa towards the car, and she just stood there dejected and started to cry. Of course that tugged on my heart, and I walked right back to her. I centered myself, and hugged her and held her and talked more gently with her. Like she did other times today when she felt she disappointed me, she said, “I’m sorry daddy.” I had regained my cool and poured affection on her and told her how proud of her I was for how much she ws trying. I gave her the option to be done, but still she wanted to keep going. At this point, I was bursting with pride at her determination. I was also really hoping we could make some progress.
After I lost my cool a little, she actually tried harder. She actually started to do some pedaling. I could tell she was trying harder, and not succumbing to her fear as much. She was reaching deeper and started to do a little pedaling, and I started to feel ecstatic. And while she was making some of that progress, obviously she was entering new terrain, and moving out of her comfort zone. and in the perfect position to fall harder than before.
On one of these falls, the handlebar swung around and hit her in the face, right on her nose and tooth, both of which started to bleed. She cried hard, and I just held her in my lap, comforting her, and telling her that she earned her dragon. Once she calmed down, I asked her if she wanted to be done for the day. And she wanted to keep going!!
One of my personal deepest values is what I call, “Climbing the Mountain.” It essentially means never quitting until you do what you set out to do. It is hard to describe the pride I felt in my five-year old displaying such tenacity.
And so we kept trying, and we started to get it more and more. She had done a few pedal strokes before the handlebar incident, but now she was getting 5 strokes, then ten strokes, she was starting to get it! She was trying her little heart out.
At one point, she said to me, “dad, you know what I think would help me?” I said, “what?”. She said, “In Bluey, there is an episode where Bluey’s dad is the 80’s and he’s really mean to his little brother, but he’s nice to everyone else, and he rides a bike really fast in that episode. I just need to think to pedal fast, like in the 80s.”
As a quick aside, I want to mention that our family has been very in to Bluey lately. All of us love the show, and Clarissa particularly loves it and not only calls me “Big Fella” now, but she likes reenacting scenes from Bluey with family members.
I thought Clarissa’s idea was brilliant. She to give her further courage, help make it fun, and get her to pedal fast enough (once she started pedaling, it was often too slow, so she would just fall), when I would push off, I would say, “here we go, 80s!”
Clarissa really started getting it about that point. Here are a few videos below. I didn’t take many (and maybe shouldn’t even have taken these) because I really needed to be helping her not crash the best I could, but I did get a few videos for remembrance.
I told Clarissa that once she could ride from one end of the parking lot to the other (probably about 80 yards), then she would win all hear prizes. In the video below, she’s asking why I can’t stitch all hear tries together to get to that distance:
She kept trying and trying, and then she got half-way across the lot in one ride. Like with other successes she’d had, I jumped and yelled with excitement at her progress. When she rode that far, the look on her face while she was riding was priceless. It was wonder and euphoria at what she was doing, and then she got scared and crashed. But once she did it half-way, we knew she could go the whole way. She tried a number of more time (we had to have tried around 80 times today in total), and then she started on a really promising one. She pedaled and pedaled and pedaled. She made it half way. She had a look of both joy and sore amazement and terror on her face. I could tell she was terrified to still be upright and going. I was joyously yelling at her, “you can do this, you got this, you got it, pedal, pedal, pedal, go, go, go”. And with a luck of both pure joy and pure terror (which I didn’t know existed), she made it to the end, when I plucked her off her bike (she doesn’t know how to stop), held her up high, and screamed with joy and adulation, and held her, and felt my heart completely burst within me. It was one of my proudest dad moments of my life. I was so proud that Clarissa chose to stick with it, overcome a fear and find success. The joy I felt in being a part of her growth and witnessing her grit was almost too much to handle. It’s a similar joy that I felt on my wedding day, where my heart was just bursting. I still felt a little burden knowing we weren’t out of the woods yet, she’d only done a good stint once and we needed to call it a day. So I knew there was more work to do, but the joy of what we had accomplished today was as sweet as any joy I’ve tasted. I really love my little girl.
After Clarissa’s accomplishment, she wanted to be done and not try again on camera for the family (which I respected given what she’d gone through), but we Face-timed the family and Lily, Lydia and Mary lavished praise, and love on Clarissa as it was very well deserved. It was such a happy moment for all of us. Lily was especially taken by Clarissa’s grit, her booboos, and scuffs, and her determination to succeed in-spite of difficulty and discomfort. Lily was as sky-high as I was over Clarissa’s achievement.
Clarissa and I then went to 711 to buy her dragons. As if Clarissa hadn’t already impressed us enough, she announced (of her own volition) that she wanted her second dragon (which she earned by drawing blood on the pavement) to be for Ammon, because (according to her), “he really really wants one and then he doesn’t need to read [to earn one for himself]”. Also in the car, I wanted to impress Clarissa with lessons she learned from the day. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Clarissa, what did you learn today?
Clarissa: Pedal fast.
Me: That’s great. What did you learn about life today?
Clarissa: I don’t know.
Me: What happens when you try and try and try, and don’t give up?
Clarissa: You eventually get it.
Me: Right, and what happens when you eventually get it? (I now started to worry about where this teaching moment was going as I was worried she’d reply that you get prizes when you get it).
Clarissa: You feel happy.
Wow, I could not have said it better myself.
When we got home, I told Lily about Clarissa’s desire to give her dragon to Ammon, and about how she articulated the joy of achievement when you keep trying at something until you get it. Lily was bursting her buttons with pride and joy and we all continued pouring praise on Clarissa (who I need to mention was glowing with pride herself and had been ever since she biked across the parking lot). Ammon was absolutely doing backflips over his dragon.
Clarissa made all of our days today.
After eating delicious mushroom pasta that Lily made, we all went to Menchies and celebrated together.
I ended the day playing Wingspan with Lily. I imagine we’ve played 40+ games by now, and it is one of my absolute favorite things to do with my favorite person in the whole world. Lily is my world, and we enjoy Wingspan so much together.
I know this was a long entry. I tried to get the details exact, but I’m writing it 3 days later, and some details might not be perfect due to my memory, narrative flow etc. But I really wanted to share the details because this day was so special to me, and I’d like to relive it. Clarissa, you really made me proud today.