On Tuesday I spent the morning playing and reading to Ammon and Clarissa. I love those little humans so much. It was fun to dance with them, chase them, play hide and seek, and read until my throat felt dry and tickly. Even though I felt exhausted by 11am and put Clarissa down for her nap early because I just couldn’t do more, I felt full.
I also spent a lot of energy on Facebook, trying to summon up all of the love and forgiveness my heart is capable of in order to respond to a post that felt very hurtful to me. It came from someone I love and respect, so that made it hard. But I kept returning to my phone over and over and over to analyze my feelings, follow the threads, and type out thoughts. I think the thread was very loving and respectful, and it ended up bringing together some sisters from my mission. It’s always great to be in touch with that crowd.
Lydia screamed for an hour during harp practice, but I was so proud of myself. I kept repeating to myself that the only thing that matters is love, and I didn’t scream back!!! I was dangerously quiet and at times obviously upset, but this new understanding of love worked to help keep me from screaming. I am grateful for the baby steps of progress. They give me hope that I can actually grow and someday, change.
In the evening Abe took the girls around the neighborhood in the pouring rain to canvas for their upcoming school fun run. I stayed home, read Mary Oliver essays, and typed away on my book. I don’t think I’ll use a word of what I’ve written so far in the actual book, but you’ve got to start somewhere.