On Saturday, the kids and I dropped off Lily at her Oprah event. It was about weight-loss, motivation, goal setting and just overall a very inspiring time. It was also so great for Lily to connect with her Thrive friends. I don’t know too much more about the event because when Lily tried to tell me about it, she started coughing, and told me that she would tell me later when she could talk better.
Here is a video of Oprah opening up her event.
While Lily was at the event, I took the kids to the Denver Zoo! It was an incredibly beautiful day. I had been feeling depressed and emotionally empty, but being at the zoo was genuinely nice. I loved the sunshine, being with my kids, and all of the fun animals.
About half-way through our zoo trip, I bought Dippen Dots for the kids. They wanted cotton candy, but I thought Dippen Dots would be healthier……..that probably was not true. Still, we all had a great time eating ice-cream. I occasionally slipped a bit into Clarissa’s mouth, but she mostly wanted to try to manage the spoon and dots herself……with mixed success :).
This is maybe the biggest hippo I have ever seen. It’s hard to tell in the picture, but it is absolutely massive. We also saw it poop, and when it did, it sprayed wide. It was gross, but definitely note-worthy.
The whole zoo trip, Lydia was most committed to seeing elephants. I was blown away by the view we got of this gorgeous animal.
Here is a video of the Elephant getting fed:
Then, making our way to the zoo exit, we saw giraffes, and the one you see here walked right up to us. It was amazing.
After the zoo, we went straight to the American Girl doll store where Lily scheduled the girls to have a hair salon appointment for their dolls.
Here is a video of the doll hair training.
I wasn’t allowed to leave the store, so I chased Clarissa and Ammon for about 45 minutes. It was as cute as it was difficult. Clarissa may or may not have broken a play faucet off of an American Girl Doll kitchen set. I reported it and they said it was fine.
Then we went to pick up Lily. I had a good day, but unfortunately all of the exertion made me tired and when that combined with the underlying current of depression I had been feeling, I was not in a great state when I picked up Lily.
She could tell I was not in a great place. We started to talk at the playground we took the kids to, but didn’t finish our conversation based on all we were trying to manage with the kids.
Also, we made another stop at modern market! We really love Denver and all it’s great places. We ate here before on a previous trip to Denver and we love it! We even sat in this same area of the restaurant last time!
After dinner, we drove to our Air BNB. All the kids were asleep so we pulled up in front of our place and continued talking.
I unloaded on Lily that part of what I was struggling with was her recent focus on her goals, and all the ways she has been changing. She’s been very committed to reading, learning German, studying Greek, and other goals, and I was feeling like I was losing her and it was killing me.
She cut me off to explain that she was incredibly ill and I became aware of how much I was dumping on her when she was feeling so unwell. The challenge was that I also was feeling very unwell, and like I needed to talk, and I felt that she had not been very available or connected to me and I thought the only way through was to talk about it.
Of course, I felt immense guilt for dumping my emotional challenges on her at a time when she did not feel well.
We cut our conversation short when I realized it should wait based on how Lily was feeling. I put all the kids to bed since Lily wasn’t feeling well, and then Lily and I went in to go to bed.
While Lily was in the bathroom, I did a meditation. Of course my mind was swirling with worry. Would my relationship with Lily ever be as connected as it always has been? Are we changing too much? Can I bear supporting her goals when it means I will have less of her? Am I an awful husband for feeling upset? Am I bad at supporting her? Am I a bad husband? Etc.
But, and this is why I love meditation SO MUCH. I told myself, “don’t solve, just breath.” So I just sat there in silence, and breathed while all these fears clamored in my head. I just breathed and observed, or noticed my fears and the story lines and problems I thought there were, but I did not try to jump in and solve any of them. They were just there. And I was just there.
Then I had a moment of insight. In my meditation, it had occurred to me that part of the reason for my depression is that I had overextended myself at work and in my own exercise routine (which feels pathetic because these days it just feels like it doesn’t take to much to capsize me because I didn’t do all that much, but still, it was too much in the sense that it put me over my limits of feeling good.) It occurred to me that not only did I over extend in my own sphere, but I did it at a time when Lily was really sick. It occurred to me that the exact thing I was accusing her of, not focusing enough on me when I needed help was the exact thing I was guilty of towards her. In fact, I went on a work trip, that was very beneficial, but not mandatory when she was taking care of the kids alone while she was sick. It also occurred to me (either in that meditation or later) that so much of our life has been characterized by her supporting me at work, and my work goals, and that I have gotten very used to that, and that it is a difficult adjustment for me to go from the supported, to the supporter. I honestly struggle with that, which terrifies me, because that makes me feel like it would be a stretch to call me a good husband. I also realized (either in the meditation or later) that I’m genuinely addicted and head-over-heels attached and in love with Lily and there is genuine jealousy, grief, and possessiveness going one when she decides to chase something that will reduce her time and attention on me.
I don’t remember all what thoughts came to me during the meditation and which came later, but the meditation was a turning point of insight and awareness to see the things happening inside of me that were causing me to feel the way I was feeling, and to see myself through a more clear lens (first cast the beam out of thine own eye).
After my meditation, Lily and I shared many more words that were sweet and connective. Supporting her and her goals better will continue to be a process for me, and I’m deeply moved when I consider that Lily is giving me additional chances to be more supportive. On the one hand, I’m like Mary, who gets very emotionally attached to those she loves, and even spurns them when she doesn’t get the attention she wants from those she loves. I tell Lily this is a positive thing. It just means I have to have her, and want to be with her all the time, and am deeply emotionally connected to her. On the other hand, I realize I need to grow up more and mature, to learn to internalize her goals so I can feel close to her by supporting what she cares about. And I still get time with her, but I’m trying to learn and trying to be in a better emotional place for when we do get time together by cultivating my own interests outside of Lily that will give me emotional life and sustenance when she is chasing her dreams. Life and maturing is so interesting. I’m just so grateful I never have to question Lily giving me more shots, even when I know I don’t deserve them.