Today Lily felt better than yesterday, which was such happy news. Yesterday was one of her worst days, and she was completely on her back all day with the strangest (and severe) burning happening in her nose, some fever, and also stomach pain. We met with the doctor, who prescribed a nasal steroid which really helped, and my dad brought a home remedy he swears by, and Swathi gave us great advice, like getting a pulse-ox (and telling us at what point we should go to the hospital regarding Lily’s oxygen levels). We feel surrounded by people loving us and supporting us. Even today our neighbors, the Giles brought smoothies for Lily, and our friend Courtney brought over fresh produce from a farm-stand. Also, Lily’s mom funding three doordash meals for us to relieve pressure to cook, and we’ve had multiple offers from other to help.
I was starting to worry yesterday when Lily got worse than the day before, but I was very relieved today when Lily was on an upswing. Knowing now that Covid can be a roller-coaster, Lily rested all day, even though she had a little more energy than yesterday. To me it’s so crazy she got Covid. I pray and pray there will be no lasting consequences. I don’t think there will be. And as long as that is the case, Lily and I both think its a bit “novel” and interesting that she is getting to live out history by getting the Caronavirus. She has been miserably sick and ill, and a complete trooper with everything, but that is a little bit of positive spin we both found in the situation today.
On my side, I’m enjoying (and also unraveling from) running the house and the kids. The reality is I don’t do it near as well as Lily. I took the day off yesterday and today. I’m doing my best, and doing a lot of good things, but so often not doing things, forgetting things, or being irritated or grumpy unnecessarily. I feel while parenting there is a constant thread of stress. It’s this feeling that if I just had two hours to myself, I could put myself back together and breath deeply, but instead I’m surrounded by needs, things to do, messes to clean, and a nagging feeling that I’m still neglecting the kids a ton, not listening when they talk, or being too short or not fun, and the more tired and stressed I get, the less effective I get at serving those needs. It gives me huge pause when I think about the countless days that Lily has been in this rat race and lifted a much heavier load than me (even when I felt I was nearly breaking under mine). She is SO strong. Honestly, I wish I would have done more over our last ten years together. It’s not that I haven’t been helping. I have. But compared to what Lily lifts and confronts every day, the level of chaos, the lack of control, the constant endless needs, the clashes with the kids that can happen when its time for them to do something, the lack of appreciation or awareness for what she does, the cleaning up messes (so so so many messes), packing lunches, organizing, cooking, so so many dishes, laundry (mountains of laundry), reading practice, driving music practice, errands, groceries, school enrollment, ordering uniforms, and buying clothes, cleaning the car, training the dog, cleaning the dog’s messes, walking the dog, potty training children (and all the sheet washing and switching that goes with that!), whiping bottoms, night wakings (thank goodness we are done with those!), getting the kids in purposeful activities and routines, building a vision for their future and organizing their lives accordingly, acquiring books, helping/directing kids in bathing/showering and brushing their hair, providing activities and toys for the children’s development and entertainment, teaching values and good behavior, driving kids to practices (and suiting them up), planning travel, dealing with tantrums and arguments, begging for scraps of time for any type of self care (exercise, reading, just even a few moments to think or talk to someone without interruption) and dealing with all the other minutia and unexpected things that happen when one is running a home with four kids (I know I’m forgetting a million things)………..when I really immerse myself in that world as I have while Lily has been sick, I realize how incredibly exhausting it is, and I truly feel I should have been doing more all the way along. It’s like you need to be three people to pull it off! Lily parents so intentionally, and actively, and I have just been too passive of a partner. Parenting is her craft. She wants to do it well. And she deserves a more invested and involved partner. Plus, I find joy when I lean in, and I want deeper relationships with and more impact on Lily and the kids. Hindsight is 20/20, and I spent a lot of time with my therapist processing this realization. I’ve had this realization to some extent multiple times before, but it is sinking in deeper this time. I’m a workaholic, I so naturally gravitate there, and I’ve really needed this wake-up call to help me prioritize the people I love better and I feel my heart growing. I’ve been pondering some scriptures that have had a profound impact on me (where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. If your eye be single, your whole body shall be full of light. The person who seeks to save her/his life shall lose it, and s/he who loses her/his life for my sake shall find it.) and I also feel I’m in a better position to live up to it (with work and health in a better spot and my skills of prioritization and responsiveness improving). I think this is an area where I really need Lily’s forgiveness (which she has given me) as well as my own forgiveness (which I’ll give myself as I improve), and it’s also an area where I feel very motivated to get better. This last week, I’m so tired at the end of each day, and I’m also so tired in the mornings that I find it hard to run with the dog. There is just so much energy that goes into running a home with young children. Clarissa and Ammon alone at this stage (absolutely fun and adorable as they are) are so active, energetic and eager for attention. Just managing them, their messes, their activity, their development, their (Mostly Clarissa’s) tantrums is a huge huge job. Clarissa joyfully talked to me for an hour today, and she was so so cute, but I was exhausted and trying to listen (or feign listening) for an hour felt incredibly challenging. Oh Lily, I owe you so so so much for all you have done for this family!
And speaking of young children. As exhausting as it can be to parent, it definitely has its magic, its joy and its fun. In the evening I played with the kids. We played magnetiles and built magnetile armor for Ammon’s action figures. Then I got an idea, inspired from experience from my own childhood, I’m sure. We lined up Ammon’s action figures and shot them down with hair ties. Ammon was enthralled and did it for 2 hours while the rest of us watched the Olympics. Mary and Lydia also had some turns, but it was Ammon who was completely engrossed in it.
