On Sunday I felt very uncomfortable in fast and testimony meeting. It is very hard for me to hear people say things like “I know the Church is true.” I respect that they feel that way and I can see how holding onto principles like that can help them be the best versions of themselves they can envision.
At the same time, I feel very uncomfortable with this statement on so many levels. First of all, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not legally or technically a church at all. It is the trademark of a corporation. Most churches in our country are, in fact, churches. Ours is not. It is a business. That is an actual fact, so literally, the statement, “The Church is true” is factually untrue. The “Church” is not even a church, so we need a different term for this statement to be true.
Secondly, if we want to speak of the Church metaphorically, then even the very orthodox will probably admit that the metaphor here is for the body of Christ, which extends beyond Latter-Day Saints.
So after hearing, “I know the Church is true” over and over for an hour, my head starts hurting. I also do not appreciate black and white thinking the way I once did (for much of my membership, I positively reveled in this type of thought and testimony!), and so again, testimony meeting is especially hard. Everyone gets up and says what they know, and since what they know is not at all what I feel I know (which, admittedly, is precious little), it is just hard.
Then after that hardship, it was onto Relief Society. There was a new teacher teaching that had never taught before, and I know this person was very well intentioned, but the lesson traumatized me. I wrote a post about this in one of my FB groups, so rather than rehashing it again, I’ll just copy and paste:
“Sorry–this is a long post because I am grieving and in pain, and apparently I am venting. Yesterday in RS we had Dallin Oaks’ talk, “Truth and the Plan.” The teacher was well meaning but presented it in an uncompromising, judgmental way. (At one point she referenced a time when she had to restrain herself from physically shaking a young woman who told her that people should be free to marry whom they love. She also referenced her aetheist SIL’s grief at losing her son as a way to show us how superior we are because as believing members of the Church, we don’t need to grieve the deaths of our children like that. I felt physically ill at the thought that someone’s legitimate trauma was being used as an anecdote to make us feel good about our religion, not to mention that even though I still feel extremely hopeful about the afterlife, that in no way mitigates the pain I, as a person of faith, would feel if one of my children died.) After I made a comment about the importance of honoring each other’s religious freedom and pointed out that policies have changed in the past, the RS president (who is my friend) stood up and through tears told us that this talk was the beautiful doctrine and plan of God, that we needed to take responsibility for our testimony of it and get God to tell us directly it was true. These really weren’t even the worst parts of the lesson–there were so many points of pain that by the end I was a shaking, sobbing mess and felt like there was no way I could participate in a community that makes judgement so normal. Up until yesterday, the majority of my experience with the “little c” church has been positive, but that lesson and the class’s reaction exposed what (to me) seemed like the one of the worst parts of the Church. I felt like I saw it clearly for the first time with my own eyes and spirit, and it was traumatic. I spent the rest of the day crying and talking with my family, and at the end decided the best course for now is to take a break from church. I don’t know if this is a permanent break and part of me really fears that outcome. For those who have taken breaks, have you found ways to re-integrate after your break, and what did that look like for you?”
What this post did not capture was the incredible tender love which my family showed me all day. When I came home, Shauna (who had given the most courageous, love-filled comment in the lesson which the teacher completely disregarded) and her mom gave me long hugs and so much love. Then my mom gave me a long hug. Then Abe, after taking care of the kids, came upstairs, climbed in bed with me, held me while I sobbed and comforted me. It might even have been his suggestion that I take a break. He spoke the kindest, wisest, softest words while I just shook and cried. He told me he loved me no matter what, that things would work out, that I needed space, that God was in charge, and that he had faith in me.
Later in the day, after he gave my mom a blessing, I went to my mom and she wrapped me in her arms, told me that I was always safe with her, that she knew from the minute I was born that God had answered her prayers for a daughter that was especially beloved of the Lord, that she thinks I am smart, and that she trusts me and believes in me. I am almost crying writing this. It was so tender, so touching, and deserves to be memorialized as a forever testament to this wonderful woman. I know there are very few orthodox parents out there who would respond this way to a child telling them they need to take a break from the Church, but thanks be to God, my mother is a unicorn. She is my forever hero.
I spent the rest of the day feeling hollow and traumatized and just trying to process what happened in class. If I have emotional energy, I might write down the rest of the lesson that I found so disturbing. Mostly it was the realization that the Church conditions good people that I know and love to be judgmental and to hand over their hearts and minds to the institution so it can think for them. We are told to think for ourselves, but honestly, if you think differently than leadership, you must not be thinking or praying or seeking in the correct way (according to our culture). It is not only discouraging, it is shocking.
I have a lot of thinking to do. I have four beautiful, smart children with the most amazing hearts that I have encountered on the planet. I know I am writing from bias, but as a mother I get to see into my kids’ hearts, and I see such pure goodness. I never, ever want them to give away their moral agency and responsibility into the hands of others. It kills me to think of them handing over their minds and hearts to a corrupt institution run by people less intelligent and pure than they are.
At the same time, I can see that the Church does some good, is good, and feels good to many people. So for now I am letting Abe just take the kids to church while I figure this one out.